Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Mixed-Orientation Relationship

Please note that I share what is and could be, rather than what should be

A mixed-orientation relationship (MOR) is a sexual relationship in which one partner (or more) with one sexual orientation (say: gay) partners with the other partner(s) with other sexual orientation(s) (for instance: straight, queer, questioning, bi-, pan-, demi-, or a-sexual).

Many will be quick to point out that a MOR will never work. Others might say that we can make anything work we want to, or that you’ll never know in the individual case. But, to speak about this, we need to not treat all different types of MORs the same. What seems a safe generalization to me is that there would be less inequality between only straight or gay partners in a sexual relationship. Let’s focus on the aspects of vulnerability and attraction.

Let’s look at four similar categories: a straight man with a gay man, or a gay man with a straight woman, or a straight woman with a gay woman, or a gay woman with a straight man:

Generally, for the former partners, the attachment will not go as deep. But, they might not have a high priority for such a deep bonding. Without that, there can still be mutual love, camaraderie, friendship, empathy, and joy to be with each other—nothing to sneeze at.

But, the latter(s) risk(s) being dumped, being taken for granted, blamed for being too clingy, or sooner or later, having to share their partner(s) with those fitting their partner’s orientation.

Sex for the former can be really nice, especially if they love each other, spend lots of time cuddling and being emotionally and physically close. Sex for the latter, however, will bond and can end any existential loneliness, which, per my definition (!), doesn’t happen for the former.

An extra point of attention for when one partner is straight and the other is known or suspected to be queer (non-straight), the latter risks being blackmailed, outed, and blamed for everything not right in the relationship by their very own partner, the family, community, and society. This blame could come even (or especially) when the former is abusive, stingy, and cold, and the latter the sweetest, most empathetic, most giving person in the world. A straight partner of a queer partner better be a sworn ally to LGBTQIA+ under any conditions.

A MOR also exists between a gay/straight and a bisexual person. If they are both sexually attracted to each other, things will be easier and more equal in terms of vulnerability.

Note that the terms gay and straight might be extra confusing for a relationship between people who are not both cis-gender. The situation is firstly complicated because we mostly speak of same-sex (gay) or other-sex (straight) orientation, instead of androphile (attracted to men) and gynophile (attracted to women). Further, some people will be mostly attracted to the mental gender of their partner, while others care more about the exterior biological sex, still, others don’t care at all (pansexual), or may find certain gender/sex discrepancies in a/their partner ideal. And, not all transgenders will go through any or all sex adjustments that can be made. And not everyone fits the binary partition of cis and trans (bigender, a-gender, intersex, etc.).

What looks like a MOR (but isn’t) might be a relationship between a partner who’s into sexual exclusivity and one dedicated to polyamory. The former may decide to take deep therapy on jealousy and see if that suffices. This may be especially important if the latter just wants/needs several sexual partners and will not try changing that. The latter could still find that this partner suffices them and consider suspending their dedication to an ideal or history of polyamory.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (, born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here:
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