“Mostly” Peaceful Nazi March a Win for Oakland

Adorned with the usual sea of swastikas and 1964 Palestinian flags, a crowd consisting of the stereotypical lost youth, dolled up white girls, and Taliban refugees who miss the Taliban, made its way through the streets of Oakland, California.

The superintendent of the Oakland Unified School district reported “With only a few Jewish businesses vandalized and only one fatality, everybody wins.”

News reporters covering the march were able to catch up with multiple attendees, whose route, in its commitment to Palestinian lives, covered multiple synagogues and Jewish-owned restaurants.

A sophomore at UC Berkeley, Steven Smith, wearing a “Keep Calm and Jihadi On” shirt, spoke to the press.  “Not ALL Nazi marches are hateful.  I’m deeply offended by the constant stereotyping.” 

‘Rabbi’ Chris of the YMCA, representing Jewish Voices for Peace, also weighed in.  “The Old Testament Semites must find a way to recognize what’s missing in their lives.”

Representatives from Puma, sporting apparel from their newest line of black face masks and green headbands, proudly chanted “Our kitties (now) meow for Palestine!”  When asked about their recent change of heart, the representatives shared that “UNRWA representatives had interfered with the kitty litter, changing the felines’ political direction. 

A representative from UN Women, also in attendance, was interviewed by reporters.

“Don’t you think the best way to advocate for Palestinian lives right now would be to help them get rid of a government that systematically rapes and beheads even its own citizens, words I had thought we left back in medieval times?”

“Hamas are representatives of the oppressed, and violence is the language of the voiceless.”  “Furthermore, we have no intention of sharing goals with the Zionists.”

“I see.  Wouldn’t it make sense, then, given the stated goals of your organization, that you create safe pathways for the “voiceless,” by eliminating systematic and barbaric violence against them, at the hands of Hamas?”

“It depends on the context.”

One of the more unique protestors—Shmueli Greenblatt—also spoke to the press.  “OK, look, I’ll admit, if there’s Jewish Hell, I’ll probably be the first one there.  But you gotta understand—it’s rough out there. I’m just really tired of being “other.”  I’m exhausted and don’t have it in me anymore to keep being Jewish.  I don’t really fit in at most synagogues and I was told that this march was ‘inclusive,’ so here I am, just trying to be welcome somewhere.”

Towards the end of the march, after attendees had finished peacefully banging on the Oakland Public Library windows and gently throwing bricks at a Jewish deli, Greenblatt was seen handing out Hamas light-up bracelets and solidarity ring pops.