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Mort Laitner

My Cellmate’s Rant

You stupid piece of crap, I can’t believe you’re my cellmate.

You’re one of those insurrectionists that charged and invaded the Capitol Building.

I’ve seen your mug on TV.

You’re almost famous.

Were you a MAGA? Or a Proud Boy? Or an Oath Keeper?

I’m sorry I don’t remember.

They all seem to meld together in my mind.

I guess there ain’t much difference.

I betcha you participated in the Ellipse rally before the riot at the Capitol.

What the hell were you thinking?

We’re lighting the match that’s going to burn down the whole building and the country.

You sorry ass fool.

How many years in the slammer did ya get for your stupidity?

I think you got seven.

Am I right?

Yo mamma must be real proud that she raised a tard.

And now you’re stuck in this tiny 8’x10′ cell, in this stinkin’ federal penitentiary for the next seven years with me as your cellie.

And the only hope you got, is that clown gets reelected and pardons you.

Well, fuhgettaboutit!

He only pardons his cronies and you ain’t one of them.

I don’t care what the bag-of-shit says.

Boy, let me look at your stupid face and see if you got the word “sucka” tattooed on your forehead.

If it ain’t there it should be.

That buffoon tells you to go to Washington,—to take over the government—and you listened to him.

I betcha yo mamma never taught you nuthing about consequences.

What were you smokin’ on the day you left for D.C.?

A red-headed circus clown tells you, “I’m going be there charging that building with you guys.”

And you believed him?

The guy who invented the “Big Lie.”

A guy who every time he moves his lips, he lies.

You believed a con.

How stupid can you be?

I betcha I could sell ya the Brooklyn Bridge.

Was it Twain or P.T. Barnum who said, “There’s a sucka born every minute.”

And I’m stuck in a cell with one.

Fresh meat, you gonna make a great june bug.

You attack the Capitol police, you kill law enforcement and you don’t think you’re goin’ to end up in here.

What kinda fool are ya?

A stupid crazy one.

You belong in the ding wing.

You got shit for brains.

Were you the one that brought the noose to hang Mike Pence?

Did you chant, “Let’s get Nancy and grab her by the pussy?”

You took your orders from a loser who couldn’t even make it in the casino business.

Man your gonna have a tough time in this hell hole.

Just think about it sucker, while your leader eats caviar in Mar-a-Lago, you’ll be eating the drool they feed us.

Your gonna love the chow they serve us. It all tastes like shit.

The fool is dressed up for golf and your living in orange and wearing bo-bos.

By the way, how much money is that clown sending to your family so they can buy food, pay the rent or buy a new pair of shoes?

I betcha he ain’t even sending you cigarettes.

Now don’t you go eyeballing me or I’ll teach you the meaning of pain.

Now answer my questions convict, how much that clown give you to pay for your lawyer?

I betcha he didn’t give you a red cent.

Ya know, now that I’m looking at ya, I think you’re so dumb that when you get outta here and the clown tells ya to commit another crime for him you’ll do it.

Don’t you shake your head at me you mother, I know you’ll do it.

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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