My hat is in the ring

The Knesset finally addressed a serious issue last week and I for one can rest much more easily for their decisive action.

I am not referring to anything as hum-drum as our recent rocket exchange with Gaza or the pending attack that the whole world says is imminent on Iran. Nor am I talking about anything as inherently un-solvable as the economy, unemployment or the never-ending strikes from any sector that knows how to spell the word “strike”. And of course, I would never expect the Knesset, considering its own current makeup, to deal with gender issues in Israel or the tensions between certain haredi (ultra-Orthodox) elements and the rest of Israeli society.

No, I am talking about something much more pressing than any of that, and more crucial to our survival as a people. I am talking about a Castro clothing advertisement.

You may have seen these ads. The one I saw has a very attractive, and seemingly naked woman (with digitized private parts – that’s gotta hurt!) entering an elevator with fully dressed men. The caption on the screen said “If you’re not well-dressed, you’re not dressed at all.” Since Israel is all about gender equality, there is a woman-friendly ad as well in which a similarly (un-) clad gentleman steps into women’s elevator. According to Castro, these models actually wore skin-colored body suits and are in fact not nude. No naked people were hurt, or even present in the making of these commercials.

Nevertheless, as was reported in the Times of Israel on March 14, a letter was written by MK Uri Ariel (National Union) and signed by eight other MKs from five different parties and sent both to Castro and the broadcasting authority responsible for Channel 2, where the commercial was aired. The letter requested that the commercial be removed because it showed the models “naked like the day they were born, with only a slight blur obscuring their private parts.” They objected that the ad airs at hours when young children can see.

In a country where episodes of the very crass no-holds-barred TV show “South Park” air around the clock, as are commercials for TV shows and movies that display extremely non-digitized buttocks, it is the digitized privates that get our leaders’ panties in a group bunch.

How comforting to know what occupies the minds and the schedules of those leaders ostensibly in office to look out for the interests of us little folk, and to lead Israel to a reality of safety and security.

Like so many John Q. Publics around the world, I often fantasize what I would do were I in charge. If I were running the world, or in this case, Israel, blah blah blah… People who think along these lines understand that of course we know better than our so-called “leaders” what needs to be done, and if we were only given an opportunity to be in power, with our common sense, unparalleled intelligence and charismatic power of persuasion, we would have all of the nation’s woes settled in a matter of weeks, and to quote the evil Prince Humperdink from “The Princess Bride,” there will be joy.

{Trivia buffs: I know that the line was actually spoken in Buttercup’s dream, so it wasn’t really Humperdink speaking. No need to send in your corrections – thanks.}

However, unlike most of the John Q. Publics who know intuitively everything this country needs in order to get back on track, I’ve decided that I should actually do something about it.

What Israel needs now is leaders who not only know what we need to do but aren’t afraid to get up and say it – even in a Times of Israel blog! We need leaders who can see the big picture and solve as many of our problems as quickly as possible, ideally knocking out multiple proverbial birds with one proverbial stone.

I believe that I have what it takes to be that leader.

I would address the whole issue of the Castro ad by sending to Iran. Of course, the ad would be accompanied by a very strongly worded letter warning Iranian President Ahmadinejad that we have more ads of that nature and we aren’t afraid to use them.

You have to know how to deal with these despots.

I would also give the Palestinian Authority part of Tel Aviv. Specifically the part which holds Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station. Once they see that what they get from us is one of the filthiest, nastiest pieces of real estate in the known world, they will surely think long and hard before demanding even more land from us.

I would spend long and hard hours answering every anti-Semitic, anti-Israel, anti-peace jackass that I can find on Facebook with carefully worded and cleverly witty responses to post in their groups. They will know that they are messing with the top dog.

I believe that with a little creativity, a little open-mindedness, a little hard work, and not so little alcohol we can handle every problem – no matter how large or small – in this wonderful little country of ours.

Israel is one a world leader in high tech start-ups, in advanced graduate degrees and in creative hand gestures when driving, which are also used when standing in line (yeah, right!) at supermarkets and bus stops. Just last week, UK’s Times Higher Education weekly magazine ranked four of Israel’s seven universities among the top 400 in the world. Two, Hebrew University and Tel Aviv University, were in the magazine’s top 100 best Universities by Reputation index.

This means that we have the resources to face and overcome our challenges. What we lack is the right political party to harness those resources and bring Israel to the place we deserve to be.

That’s where yours truly is humbly willing to step up to the plate. For many years I have wanted to launch my own political party and to determine from the Knesset rather than from my living room how to save Israel, and the time has come to introduce the Vynot Party.

You ask why you should vote for me, and I say to you Vy-not?

Have I ever lied to you, misappropriated public funds or trust, or been caught in a brothel smoking questionable substances with a gaggle of under-age geese? Of course not! How many of our current “political leaders” can say the same?

You say that I have no political experience, and I cannot argue, but I ask you – So what? Can I really be any worse than those with experience currently earning upwards of NIS 35,000 per month? I don’t think so! I would even be willing to work for half of what the current Knesset members earn, and I would probably have a much better attendance record than most of them!

So, nu – Vy-not? Vat have you got to lose?

But to make this party mean something, I need your support, and ideally a few people to join the party. I mean, seriously! We all know what they say about a guy in a party all by himself, right? OK – to be honest, I really don’t know what they say – or even who “they” are, but I can’t imagine it’s particularly complimentary, right?

Together we can make Israel the great country that it is destined to be. Or at the very least, we can have a helluva time trying.

So that’s it for now. I would share more of my ideas with you, but the Castro ad just came on, and it is my new-found responsibility to examine it very closely…

About the Author
Asher Zeiger grew up (well, sort of) in North Carolina and moved to Israel in 1988. He lives in Modi'in with his wife and two daughters, and works as freelance writer, editor and translator. In his spare time, he tries hard at not taking himself or life too seriously (successfully) and at unwrapping himself from around his daughters' little fingers (not so successfully).