Chag Sameach, everyone!
Chag Sameach and congratulations to all the learned opinionists! The Israeli elections will be on Tuesday. Who knows how the next government will look like, but we have already been informed that the next government will be “the most right-wing government in Israeli history”. That is because every Israeli government is always “the most right-wing government in Israeli history”. Israeli voters are always a bunch of fanatic idiots who cannot see by themselves what it’s good for them. The best way to prepare yourself for Pesach is to remind the Diaspora readers of this very basic Diaspora dogma. And insult the Israeli voters.
Chag Sameach to the believers in the Palestinian State! Its constitution (Art 4) states that Sharia is the source of legislation, but never mind, it will usher in an era of religious tolerance since the day it will come into existence. There are so many miracles recounted in the Haggadah; let us add this to the list.
Chag Sameach, speaking of miracles, to the collectors of signatures who made signatures appear in their petitions, even without checking with the signatories. They’re always busy “to engage with Israel”, that is, to proclaim how bad Israel is and how evil its Jewish citizens are. And what about those mezuzah-kissers, brown-skinned Mizrahi Jews down in Sderot? What about the rockets that Hamas (“don’t call them terrorist, you anti-Palestinian racist!”) delivers to them?. Well, Pesach is the Festival of Liberation, and we want to be liberated. So let’s say it openly: who cares about Mizrachi Jews, who cares about Sderot. It’s so liberating.
Chag Sameach to the anti-Zionists, non-Zionists, post-Zionist, apologetic Zionists, compromising Zionists, conflicted Zionist, moderate Zionists etc…. those who for decades have pretended to ignore that Zionists students are harassed on UK campus in Bristol at the SOAS and who knows where else. Young Jews are not Zionists anymore (see Peter Beinart), and it is all Netanyahu’s fault. They are NOT silenced. They are NOT censored. They only have to learn to ask the proper questions taken from the Guardian. Otherwise, shut up. “The son who cannot even ask” comes to mind…
Chag Sameach to those who cannot accept the IHRA definition of antisemitism. It makes it difficult to work together with the Palestinians. Because asking permission to deal with antisemitism is a Jewish value, don’t you know it?. Try to imagine: asking the Israelis permission to stand against Islamophobia. And -lest anyone is offended- asking the Mormon fundamentalists permission before condemning polygamy. This is what Pesach is about, right? Asking permission before leaving Egypt.
Chag Sameach to those who’d get rid of the Law of Return, if this is what the Palestinians ask. Because weakening the Jews in preparation for the next wave of antisemitic violence is a Jewish universalistic value, don’t you know it? . It’s so liberating to be denied the possibility to take refuge, to be forced to live next door with antisemites who may one day come to power. And even if they don’t come to power, well… Google Ilan Halimi, for example. Why should Jews be granted the right to survive in a Jewish State? Let them stay in France! Don’t you dare to call “antisemitic” the murderers of Ilan Halimi. The lessons of Pesach is that, as victims of the (white) judges’ racism, they are potential allies only in need of the proper training.
And finally, Chag Sameach to those who this year, will not conclude their Seder with the traditional formula Next Year in Jerusalem, because of how racist Judaism can be. It’s quite an effective way to show where do they stand. The non-Jewish readers will not take notice of such a brave stand. Antisemites don’t make distinctions between good, and bad Jews, which is why showing yourself as “the good Jew” is so pathetic. But, hey, it’s Pesach, the festival of freedom. Let’s liberate ourselves from being part of the Jewish people.
To all the others, to the rest of the Jewish world, for which Israel is a source of confidence and pride or just a nice complicated place, where to be Jewish is the rule and not the exception, which is frankly speaking something we deserve after centuries of persecutions… in other words, to the majority of the Jews: L’Shana Haba’ah B’Yerushalayim. And Chag Sameach of course.