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Alexandria Fanjoy Silver

Nobody Wants This Either

I started watching Nobody Wants This with some trepidation, I’ll admit. From my cousins texting me to tell me how much they like it, to reading people’s analyses of the negative stereotypes of Jewish women presented in it, I wasn’t quite sure what to think. And yes, from the first time that the shiksa walks into the synagogue, dressed head to toe in red (real bas torahs don’t wear red!) and the rabbi’s sister-in-law started honking on her horn aggressively loudly to get her husband to leave the bar later, I knew that there were definitely some layers to this storytelling that could be problematic. That said, I wonder if the show demonstrates a kernel of an ugly truth about us that we tend to not like to admit to: how we often treat the non-Jew, or the convert, particularly when she is a woman.

As an upfront caveat, I have had none of the issues I’m going to discuss, not really. I am a convert who has been welcomed in with open arms, whose professional and personal identities revolve around my Jewish faith, and whose bonus mom and sisters are the kindest and classiest of women. But, sadly, I know of too many who marvel at the ease I have had, for their experiences are far from rosy. 

We tend to have an oxymoronic relationship with conversion; we hold that converts were souls at Sinai, but we often regard them with a great deal of suspicion. Whether we remain unconvinced by why they would want to join a religion for whom hatred is systemic and pervasive, or we don’t trust that they are truly as Jewish as they claim to be, converts tend to be treated as outsiders by a great many — sometimes by both the community they left and the one they have joined. Part and parcel of this is the struggle for power and authenticity, and who has enough of both to decide who is “in” and who is “out.” It’s not for nothing that Kohanim are prohibited from marrying divorcees and converts. And while many would be quick to point out that there is a difference between a non-Jewish woman and a woman who converted, yes, there is. But you would be shocked at how frequently I was told by some well-meaning modern orthodox acquaintances or colleagues that their families would “never” accept a convert as a daughter-in-law. When I questioned that, considering what a Jew is required to believe about a convert, per Jewish law — that their previous identity was never to be considered of import anymore, that they are not to be treated as a stranger, that their soul was present at Sinai with Moshe, that they are closest to G-d by virtue of their commitment — they all said some variation of “well, it’s great for others, but …” In short, it was all very “not in my backyard.”

I have friends who have been treated so horribly by their future in-laws during their conversion process that I found it absolutely shocking that they even continued their conversion much less made it down the aisle. Parents who refused to acknowledge that their son and she were dating, who refused to welcome them at the table, who spoke to them with such disdain and dismissal for daring to be a woman who was converting to marry their son. And yes, this is a deeply gendered experience. It’s not to say that men don’t convert to marry Jewish women, of course they do. But the experiences of being on the outside and how your Jewishness (or lack thereof) can be weaponized against you within the realm of marriage is often very gendered, perhaps because Judaism is passed down matrilineally, but probably more so because of the stereotypes of the shiksa — the attractive, fun, non-Jew who represents an embodied threat to Jewish continuity. 

The show creator of Nobody Wants This is a convert herself, one who converted for marriage — and the show thus far reads as someone processing her emotions about her Jewish journey in distinctly unhelpful and very public ways. And yet, wildly problematic troping aside, can we honestly and earnestly say that she is wrong? Is the aggressive mother-in-law and sister-in-law who, the morning after witnessing a conversation (!) Between their Rabbinic family member and a shiksa broke into his house to stage an intervention, a caricature of a deeply problematic and yet pervasive stereotype? Absolutely. But as is true of all artists, fiction is often used to tell a truth. And we as a collective are not as welcoming to those even who join our religion as our texts require us to be. To say nothing of the shiksa who may be flirting with a Jewish identity to go along with her Jewish man.

In an era where intermarriage is on the rise and Jewish identity and connection is in flux, perhaps it’s time for us to remember something true: kindness to a non-Jew sitting at your shabbat table makes it far likelier that they will join the religion. And after October 7th, either to begin to convert or to be a convert is a far more difficult and complex choice than many born into the religion can possibly begin to understand. The sacrifices it requires, the rupture with your own upbringing, the taking of new traditions as your own, the loneliness of the experience which is deeply isolating at times — all of these are of far greater difficulty to bear than most have any conception of. As we reinforce the boundaries of our own enclave, perhaps it behooves all of us to remember that those who want to be within said boundaries should perhaps not be made to feel that they have to fight as hard as the IDF to do so. 

But seriously, the stereotypes of these Jewish women could only have been devised by someone who has really personal experiences with being kept firmly on the outside. 

About the Author
Dr. Alexandria Fanjoy Silver has a B.A. from Queen's University, an MA/ MA from Brandeis and a PhD from the University of Toronto (all in history and education). She lives in Toronto with her husband and three children, and works as a Jewish history teacher. She writes about Jewish food history on Substack @bitesizedhistory and talks about Israeli history on Insta @historywithAFS.
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