Notes From The Resistance

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Greetings! Welcome to this semester’s organizational meeting for the Palestinians United to Target Zionism: Resistance Until Success (PUTZRUS). I see some familiar masks in the audience, and I know that we are all itching to resume the battle now that District Court Judges around the country have stopped Trump and his Gestapo thugs from expelling innocent non-Americans who engage in criminal trespass, assault, and antisemitic and pro-Hamas activities.

Our first order of business is to welcome the three survivors of the GLBTQ+ solidarity mission to Gaza. Those survivors had jet lag, overslept, and fortunately missed the tragic Hamas-guided sight-seeing trip to the roof of their hotel.  According to eyewitness accounts, a combination of strong winds and gentle prodding led to the regrettable deaths of those who accompanied the Hamas fighters. But over the next few days, those few of you who remained were privileged to visit a number of tunnels, hospitals, schools, and mosques where our brave Hamas allies are holding some brutal Zionist hostages. Coincidentally, some of the tunnels, schools, hospitals, and mosques were located in the exact same place. We look forward to your report.

I have heard some murmurings from the intersectional environmentalists among us regarding their discomfort with arson, including the fires our Hamas brethren encouraged that consumed acres of trees in the al-Quds area. As we have repeatedly said, the path to ecological justice runs through a free Palestine (our gay friends recommend running very fast through a free Palestine). Self-determination of Palestinians is similar to solar energy; they both start with the letter “s.” If subjugated Palestinians need to burn tires or dump raw sewage to achieve ecological justice, so be it. Resistance by any means possible. And if we need to destroy forests, you should be cheering, not complaining. Please remember that some of you were initially queasy about the October 7 rapes, kidnapping, and infanticide, until we reminded you that the women and babies involved were Jewish, and you felt better about it. Well, those trees that burned? Jewish, every one.

Hello? JEWISH National Fund. Keren Kayemet L’YISRAEL. Jewcalyptus. Every one of those trees was planted by a Polish or Ukrainian colonial settler; they deserved what they got. If someone reminds you that Israel has experienced significant reforestation in the last century and is a leader in desalination, drip irrigation, and other water conservation initiatives, remind them about all those hospitalized Palestinian children that were shot before Passover. Just watch Al-Jazeera if you don’t believe me.

While we are on the subject of Jews, it has come to my attention that a number of our Jewish brethren have taken to wearing the keffiyeh and masks, like the rest of us. As a result, the cameras can’t identify them as Jewish, which diminishes their value to the PUTZ R US cause. Please note that if you are not visibly and recognizably Jewish, we have no need of you. We have more than enough underemployed privileged white graduate students who hate their parents, and undocumented Arab students who overstayed their visas. You are tolerated only because, when interviewed, you are able to start every sentence, “As a Jew . . .”  For those of you who are concerned about being identified and penalized, please remember that the courts and university administrations are in our pocket. If you still insist on covering your large-nosed face, to accommodate you, we have purchased a number of yellow “Jude” armbands from German Army surplus. We were stockpiling them for future use, but they are obviously needed now.

If you are unwilling to carry “As a Jew” or “Not In Our Name” placards or wear some other Jewish identification, please get your vile Jewish butts out of our sight.

Warning: the long awaited report on antisemitism at Harvard has finally been released. It took so long because Harvard was hoping, as Schumer promised, that people would lose interest. No such luck. Those knuckle-dragging Republicans are like dogs with bones. The report identifies scores of violent attacks on Jews, threats and abuse directed at Jewish and Israeli students, and an atmosphere of malevolent antisemitism. Go, Crimson! Of course, as is de rigueur, the report also identifies campus Islamophobia, manifested in statements by Muslim students that sometimes they feel uncomfortable. So actual violence and discrimination against Jews and some amorphous feelings of discomfort by Muslims. Tomayto. Tomahto.

You may get some questions about our support for the Palestinian cause, compared to our total disregard for the plight of Christians in sub-Saharan Africa (16 million displaced and over 50,000 murdered in Nigeria alone), Uyghurs in China, Kurds in Syria and Turkey, and Druze in Syria. True, each of those oppressed groups has a valid claim to autonomy, or at least freedom from oppression, murder, and slavery.  But, keep in mind . . . We. Don’t. Care. If queried, just explain, being as supercilious and condescending as only entitled Ivy League students can be, that if Zionists are not involved, it is not genuine oppression and resistance is not required.

Remember to support those Democrats who are flying around the country on the taxpayers’ dime, calling for the release of gang members, antisemites, and undocumented aliens. And to those former friends like Dan Goldman (a Jew) cautioning Democrats about making martyrs and heroes of antisemites, let us remind them that even if their Mommies buy them seats in Congress, they can still be primaried.

Finally, one caution. After decades of privilege, it isn’t easy to turn ourselves into hardened revolutionaries, but try to appear tough. We looked like a bunch of pampered babies when Johanna King-Slutzky, a campus leader during the first tentifada, demanded that Columbia provide protestors with food. National Review, that reactionary rag, reported that King-Slutzky said, “It’s ultimately a question of what kind of community and obligation Columbia feels it has to its students– do you want students to die of dehydration and starvation or get severely ill, even if they disagree with you? If the answer is ‘no,’ then you should allow basic . . . I mean, it’s crazy to say because we’re on an Ivy League campus, but this is, like, basic humanitarian aid we’re asking for, like, could people please have a glass of water?”

You in the back–stop giggling. If you want to appear like revolutionaries, and not spoiled brats, don’t plead for food and water, keeping in mind that no one is denying you food and water and you can walk out of the occupied buildings and buy a sandwich any time you want. Remember to stock up on probiotics and sushi before you occupy buildings and terrorize janitors. Recall that King-Slutzky couldn’t actually point to any examples of when Columbia tried to prevent deliveries of food to protestors, but did admit that Columbia treacherously tried to “bribe” students with $80 GrubHub gift cards. Please remember that any bribes paid by the University belong to the people. Like our friends at Hamas, we will seize any humanitarian aid and sell it back to you.

Power to the people! From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free! Jews back to Poland! Not in our name! Zionists invented genocide! By Any Means Necessary!  Intifada! Jihad!

And remember this week’s special events: Monday at 10, Gender-Neutral Revolutionary Line Dancing. Tuesday at 11, Responsive and Repetitive Chanting.  Wednesday all day, Aromatherapy and Therapeutic Massage. Thursday at noon, Falafel and Pizza, all you can eat, followed by gate-chaining training. Friday, group solidarity trip to mosque. Girls stay outside or separate, please. Saturday, all day Susan Sarandon festival and special screening of the new woke Snow White.  Remember to boo Gal Gadot.

See you at the revolution.