Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Nudity everywhere, except in the bedroom – a solution to cut down on lust?

This is a blog post, but who wants to reach most people uses not the written word but pictures and clips (YouTube). The Internet porn addiction promises the highest result the more nudity is included. The “Nudity” in the title here already guarantees wider distribution and viewing. If it had the word pictures, it would become a stampede.

The following point I make from a psychological angle, not a moralistic or religious one. Giving in to porn addiction and self gratification distort what sexuality really is: a way to deeply connect to another person. The addiction makes us “forget” to deeply connect, even when we have an opportunity to use sex what it’s best for. Instead of bonding with our partner, we’ll do solo-sex: closing our eyes, leaving the scene, depicting body parts and human actions far away. We replace then giving and receiving sexual pleasure by taking it. Grabbing is not sex – it is abuse.

Conversely, a lack of sex and hope on ever finding a sexual life partner pushes people to have solo-sex and casual contacts for perceived lack of hope for sexual union. This kind of practice does not make perfect at all.

So, solo-sex drives out real sex and lack of real sex pushes for solo-sex.


Rabby Shmuley Boteach has been campaigning that sex obsession comes from a lack of lust. And that lust is pushed out by over-exposure to the naked body. As a result many people “have sex” for minutes and that’s it. And more-than-occasional “quickies” are not the real thing either, even not with a steady spouse and intercourse – supposedly THE thing.

So maybe we should all walk around stark-naked all day long (weather permitting) and only dress-up to be undressed for sex? Would that take away the almost endemic frozen curiosity of sex? I don’t know. For sure, it would bring much trouble to many people:

  • Where to keep small change,
  • How to flaunt your class position,
  • Facelifts won’t suffice any more,
  • How to cross dress, etc.


Sex is to connect. So sex alone connects us to emptiness. But for many people loneliness invites a sex addiction. The first thing to do for getting out of such an addiction is: making friends – all kinds of friends. So solo-sex is like trying to set fire to a inferno. Sex at its best should be added to a steady friendship. No friendship or steadiness yet, no sex yet.

Sex at its best is two people choosing to connect. Any enforcement kills sex. Like a bucket of water poured over a match (even before ignition).

Sex at its best should be: doing something together in the world (gardening, bringing food to the poor, you name it), then eating something together without talking about problems (romantic is optional), then doing something physical together (shower, massage, cuddle), then adding something sexual, with climaxing being optional. This takes as much time as it revitalizes the relationship, makes the partners see/hear each other, unites them. Once one has that, no one would want / need an additional / another sex partner or solo-sex.


So the solution to sex addiction needs real sex. Just like a solution to eating junk food requires eating real food. The real thing takes more time, but also satisfies, while from the fake stuff one never has enough.

Slogans like “Sex only to connect” work as little as mottoes against cigarettes. But still, change may start with real information. Knowing what is going on may be half our cure. So we all need to get a steady sexual partner, become friends and add slow sex to end loneliness.

There are no shortcuts. Sorry.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (, born in 1953 to two Dutch survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork, and holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam). He taught Re-evaluation Co-counseling, became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His most influential teachers (chronologically) are: his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim: Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. * Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he wrote hasbara for the Dutch public. His fields of attention now are varied: Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (statistics), Politics (Israel, the US and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight Truth), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), Ecology and Veganism. Sometimes he's misunderstood because he has such a wide vision that never fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what many love about him. Many of his posts relate to affairs from the news or the Torah Portion of the Week or are new insights that suddenly befell him. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, reassure the doubters but make the self-assured doubt more. He strives to bring a fresh perspective rather than bore you with the obvious. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds must be disputed. In short, his main political positions are: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, democracy, anti the fake peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, Science, Free Will, anti blaming-the-victim and for down-to-earth optimism. Read his blog how he attempts to bridge any discrepancies. He admits sometimes exaggerating to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. November 13, 2018, he published his 500th blog post with the ToI. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having a peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To find his earlier blog posts on a certain subject XXX, among his over 1200 ones, go to the right-top corner of the Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". His second daily active less tame blog, to which one may subscribe, one may find here: or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me.
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