This is a blog post, but who wants to reach most people uses not the written word but pictures and clips (YouTube). The Internet porn addiction promises the highest result the more nudity is included. The “Nudity” in the title here already guarantees wider distribution and viewing. If it had the word pictures, it would become a stampede.
The following point I make from a psychological angle, not a moralistic or religious one. Giving in to porn addiction and self gratification distort what sexuality really is: a way to deeply connect to another person. The addiction makes us “forget” to deeply connect, even when we have an opportunity to use sex what it’s best for. Instead of bonding with our partner, we’ll do solo-sex: closing our eyes, leaving the scene, depicting body parts and human actions far away. We replace then giving and receiving sexual pleasure by taking it. Grabbing is not sex – it is abuse.
Conversely, a lack of sex and hope on ever finding a sexual life partner pushes people to have solo-sex and casual contacts for perceived lack of hope for sexual union. This kind of practice does not make perfect at all.
So, solo-sex drives out real sex and lack of real sex pushes for solo-sex.
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Rabby Shmuley Boteach has been campaigning that sex obsession comes from a lack of lust. And that lust is pushed out by over-exposure to the naked body. As a result many people “have sex” for minutes and that’s it. And more-than-occasional “quickies” are not the real thing either, even not with a steady spouse and intercourse – supposedly THE thing.
So maybe we should all walk around stark-naked all day long (weather permitting) and only dress-up to be undressed for sex? Would that take away the almost endemic frozen curiosity of sex? I don’t know. For sure, it would bring much trouble to many people:
- Where to keep small change,
- How to flaunt your class position,
- Facelifts won’t suffice any more,
- How to cross dress, etc.
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Sex is to connect. So sex alone connects us to emptiness. But for many people loneliness invites a sex addiction. The first thing to do for getting out of such an addiction is: making friends – all kinds of friends. So solo-sex is like trying to set fire to a inferno. Sex at its best should be added to a steady friendship. No friendship or steadiness yet, no sex yet.
Sex at its best is two people choosing to connect. Any enforcement kills sex. Like a bucket of water poured over a match (even before ignition).
Sex at its best should be: doing something together in the world (gardening, bringing food to the poor, you name it), then eating something together without talking about problems (romantic is optional), then doing something physical together (shower, massage, cuddle), then adding something sexual, with climaxing being optional. This takes as much time as it revitalizes the relationship, makes the partners see/hear each other, unites them. Once one has that, no one would want / need an additional / another sex partner or solo-sex.
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So the solution to sex addiction needs real sex. Just like a solution to eating junk food requires eating real food. The real thing takes more time, but also satisfies, while from the fake stuff one never has enough.
Slogans like “Sex only to connect” work as little as mottoes against cigarettes. But still, change may start with real information. Knowing what is going on may be half our cure. So we all need to get a steady sexual partner, become friends and add slow sex to end loneliness.
There are no shortcuts. Sorry.
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. *
As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. *
This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. *
Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. *
Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. *
Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. *
He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. *
He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. *
He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. *
His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. *
To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. *
His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1