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Mort Laitner

Omar, How Do We Define Victory? (Satire)

On October 5, 2023, Omar and Abdul, two Hamas gunmen, sat on green cots in a bunker buried 40 feet below a daycare center. They sat waiting for orders and constantly glanced at their cell phones for a coded text message.

Their bunker ran adjacent to a tunnel system that crisscrossed the city of Rafah. A system so large that it could be compared to the Tube. A bunker and a tunnel that reeked like a musty, moldy blanket filled with damp air and human sweat.

Omar complained, “I hate the smell of this bunker. I hate waiting for this battle to begin. When will we get the green light? Even the glare of that 100-watt light bulb is driving me nuts.”

“Omar, calm down, we’re just two twenty-year-old college students waiting to go to war. In the next few days, we’ll have our first encounter with the enemy. We’ll prove ourselves as men. And don’t we look handsome dressed in our camouflage fatigues? We’re Al-Qussam Brigade warriors. Warriors possessing Ghoul sniper rifles with marksmanship badges. For years on end, we practiced cutting barbed wire, storming a Kibbutz, and kidnapping hostages. We understand the value the Zionists place on hostages.”

As Abdul fidgeted with the bolt on his rifle, he whispered, “Omar, when this war is over, how are we going to define victory over the Zionist entity?”

“Well, usually if Hamas is still in existence, our leaders will claim that we have won a glorious, valiant, and exalted victory over the occupiers,” Omar replied.

Then as he stretched and scratched his two-day-old growth, Omar added, “In war, there are many types of victories: pyrrhic, emotional, moral, economic, psychological, and military. But I think this war is gonna be different. Israeli intelligence and the IDF think we’re a bunch of idiots. That we’re incapable of launching a major offensive into their heartland. We’ve lulled them into a state of complacency. They’ve been watching too many of those Fauda TV shows. Their state of unpreparedness will be the first nail in their coffin.”

Abdul jumped up and exclaimed, “I can’t wait to taste Jewish blood. You know to the victors go the spoils. Those hot young Israeli girls covered in their gold and silver jewelry will be ours for the taking.”

Omar sat silently, he wondered, “Can I take an innocent life or rape a girl?” He quickly changed the subject. “Abdul, the Zionists don’t have a clue on how cheap our leaders consider the lives of Palestinians. Tens of thousands of our countrymen will die for our cause. Our leaders understand the price of victory.”

And the Zionists don’t know how many antisemites, old-time leftists and Communists, and naïve college students will join our struggle from all the corners of the Earth.”

“Those college kids love cosplay. They’ll run out and buy keffiyehs. Those kids will say, ‘If you want to be cool you gotta own a keffiyeh.’ They’ll march on their campuses in full costume carrying our banners claiming: The Zionists Are Committing Genocide. They’ll raise our flag and at the same time burn Israeli and American flags. The street demonstrations will catch on like wildfire. Only this time, we’re David and the Israelis are Goliath.

Remember we’re propaganda experts. Our leaders have earned PhDs in the art of propaganda from the best European universities: Oxford, Cambridge, and Heidelberg. We know how to manipulate the media. We know the press feeds off of footage of dead and injured babies. World opinion will quickly shift to our side. Who started this war and who holds hostages won’t mean a thing a few weeks into the war. The UN will do and say whatever we tell them to. Countries will start recognizing the state of Palestine. And remember that long wars hurt the Zionist economy. And never forget that their bombs can destroy all the buildings in Gaza but they can’t destroy our Palestinian spirit.

Abdul, you asked about victory. We’ll lose way more soldiers, and way more civilians and our country will be bombed to rubble. We may not win a military victory but you can bet your last Egyptian pound we’ll win the emotional, moral, economic, and psychological war against the occupiers.”

Abdul took a deep swig from his canteen, swallowed, and said, “I guess in the end it will all be worth it.”

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed online. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience. Mort is in his third year as president of the South Florida Writers Association. He was a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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