UN revokes “victim status” from Palestine

In a stunning turn of events, the nascent non-member observer state of Palestine has officially had their highly-valued “victim status” revoked by the United Nations, following a vote of 48-47 with 89 abstentions.

Following their admission as a non-member observer state, a secretly-planned second vote was revealed, then voted upon later in the same session, following submissions from the US, and Palestine.

The US Ambassador to the UN passionately made her case to a packed General Assembly, still euphoric from their earlier resolution: “The Palestinians have been playing victim for over 50 years, and if they wish to be recognized as having genuine aspirations for statehood, then three things are required: They must express a genuine desire to build a state of their own rather than destroy another one; they must start taking responsibility for their own destiny rather than blaming everyone else; and they must transform from a welfare state that depends on huge donations from other countries and start becoming economically self-sufficient”.

Mahmood Abbas’s rebuttal was swift and quite unsurprising: “Yet again, the Big Satan and Little Satan are conspiring to rob my people of their ancestral homeland where we have lived continuously for more years than anyone knows. We all know that it is only a matter of time before the Zionist Entity crumbles under world pressure. Now that we have received a $500b cash injection ($450b after levies to ministers and their close relatives) from our new friends in Qatar, we are well placed to employ the balance of our citizens in government jobs”, he proclaimed to wild cheers from the Arab member states.

Abbas continued passionately for over 30 minutes: “We have successfully brought up three generations on a steady education of victim-hood and hatred. We have reversed the David-Goliath dynamic in our never-ending war against the Jews. We have used cognitive warfare to achieve a strong position and compromise the Zionist’s position on the battleground, to weaken their resolve as a nation, and to control the narrative and have most of the world media on our side. These are magnificent achievements. All we have ever known how to do is be victims. For the UN to revoke our official victim status is entirely unwarranted”.

After a boisterous debate in the room, a vote was called, and roughly followed party lines. All the Arab states and their beneficiaries voted against, the Western states voted for, and anyone else within missile range of Iran abstained.

President of the Arab League Amr Moussa expressed his disgust with the decision: “Since 1967, as soon as Egypt and Jordan were humbled and forced to retreat from the imperialist Zionists, we have successfully used the Palestinians in our thousand year war to retake Al Aqsa and Spain, and obliterate the Zionist entity. We refused to let them resettle and make lives for themselves in our lands. We used the UN to set up self-perpetuating welfare organizations. We poured good oil money into the pockets of Arafat and his cronies to keep them on side. We redefined the word ‘refugee’ to be something that can be transmitted for generations ad infinitum. For the UN to turn around and suggest that the Palestinians are anything but the greatest group of victims in history is quite simply a disgrace to the entire Muslim world”.

UN Secretary General Juan Antonio Samaranch was surprisingly pragmatic: “The world has persecuted the Jews for thousands of years. After the Holocaust, they vowed that they would never again be victims. They set out to build a nation, and have successfully created an oasis of democracy and economic success in the Middle East, surrounded by enemies and despots. Hundreds of thousands of refugees made new lives for themselves in Israel and all over the world. After this long, surely the Palestinians can actually learn something from their neighbours”.

Note: this article is satire, did not actually happen, and could never have happened, as Juan Antonio Samaranch was actually head of the IOC, and is dead.