Parshat Vayelech: Walking with Faith

Sometimes when we go through tough times and our hearts fill with doubt, we react upon them and give up on all of our hard work. We may have certain goals we have been working really hard for, but when things are bad we get stuck in the cloud of it all and just raise our hands and abandon it. It may take time until we can get ourselves back together, sometimes we may still be able to catch up from where we left off but in so many cases we need to muster the courage to start again after the last devastating failure. 

We don’t want to hurt and all we want is to have it easier in life, but it feels as if some days and just not our day. As we grow in our belief in Hashem it becomes harder to see ourselves struggling, since we have admitted to our sins and are actively working toward bettering ourselves on so many battle fronts. We would hope that after a while we can finally sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labor, but our doubt kicks in and we ask ourselves, “Will I ever be forgiven for my sins?” Choosing the right path and sticking to it for years is surely what Hashem wants from all of us, “So why am I still hurting when I really try hard and it hurts me terribly each time I fail?”

Rava or Rav Chisda in the Gemara in Brachot 5a states, “When one sees that suffering comes upon him he should attribute it to his sins, if he searched through his deeds and sees that he has none, he should attribute it to not learning enough, and if he sees that he is, he should remember that Hashem punishes the ones He loves most.” It’s like when a child comes home from school and the father tests him on his learning and he fails, the father harshly tells the son that he better shape up and not be lazy, “Don’t think that being like the troublemakers will make your life easy!” The next week the Nephew shows up and he is tested as well and fails, this time the uncle won’t rebuke him or guide him on the proper path since it is none of his business. It is the ones we love that we care about.

But what about the first two things the Gemara speaks of, sin and Torah? If I’ve committed a sin in the past will I languish in its wake forever, and if I didn’t learn Torah in my youth will it forever be remembered and held against me? The answer is, the past is the past and we can’t go back and change it, all we have is this current moment in time to do the right thing. If you see that suffering comes upon you, don’t search your past and its history, search your present moment and see what actions, words and thoughts are filling up your time. Are they visions of derogatory and sinful temptations? If so, work on them tirelessly until they stop haunting you.

We have seen and done so much in our lives and those memories never go away. Each time we close our eyes during Davening our mind instantly puts up those images and videos before us and we see them as vividly as the time we experienced them. It pains us deeply and we may even fall deeper into this behavior since we are saddened and enticed by them. When these thoughts come to mind or when those tendencies hover over you, train yourself to think that Hashem gave you this weakness so that you can grow through them and that one day I may be able to help others who are going through the same struggle. Stay strong, keep fighting and watch how you become confident in yourself and how the suffering suddenly becomes bearable.

That is how we use our time wisely with Sur Meira, but now the Gemara teaches us how to use our time properly with Asei Tov. It isn’t just enough that we refrain from doing bad, we actively have to spend our time doing His will. Learning Torah and applying Torah thought to all of life’s encounters is how we switch our time from moving slowly to making it meaningful and valuable. Spending an hour or two hunched over the shining words of our Torah is the best way to spend our time since it fills us up with proper thought and guidance for our lives and even far beyond it. It is not the past that we should be focused on, it is today’s moments that we should hold ourselves accountable for.

Fighting the patterns and bad habits all the while using our time wisely is how we overcome our suffering. And if we still feel like our suffering is too much for us, remember that He appreciates your prayers and wishes to hear your voice. It may take months and years to truly overcome our struggles and train ourselves to use our time wisely. It can take a long time until we root new and constructive behaviors into ourselves, ones that we yearn for and ones that we love. We may feel like we’ve been doing this work for so long and we should be over our pains by now, but it is the yearning of our love to Hashem that He so dearly craves.

Moshe Rabbeinu stands here on one hundred and twentieth birthday. He states, in 31:2, “And Hashem told me; you won’t cross over this Yarden.” It would be so easy for Moshe to cry out, and he did with five hundred and fifteen prayers as we see in Parshat Va’etchanan, but he seems to have taken it so easily and affectionately. Hashem said no, is no! Moshe, who spent his time properly his entire life understood that if it pains him, even after removing every doubt from his mind and filling it up with learning and prayer, if it is Hasehm’s will for him not to cross into the Promised Land, it must be because Hashem loves him.

There are no questions on his mind and he has no resentment toward Hashem for His decision. He knows what he has done that caused this to come upon him and he also knows that he spent the remainder of his life repenting, praying and learning Torah. He could’ve been mad, sad or both, for his lot, but after working hard throughout his life to make every second of his day count, he didn’t need a month to recover from this pain. He learned to accept Hashem’s will in his life without ever having a thought even for a split second that would doubt His will.

“Vayelech Moshe, Vayedaber, and Moshe walked as he spoke these words to all of Israel.” Where was he going? This conversation was spoken to us as the entire nation followed behind him. He didn’t lock himself away and write this letter to his people as he sat at home sulking in his depression, he walked with them and spoke his heart out. He made it clear to them that everything that happens in this life and beyond is the will of Hashem, and although you may be scared about the future for all the pain and suffering it may bring, remember, “Al Tir’u Ve’al Ta’artzu Mipneihem!” Nobody can hurt you and nothing is ever here for your downfall. Keep your faith in Hashem strong and don’t doubt him for a second. “Look at me,” he says while he walks, “I am one hundred and twenty years old and my strength has yet to leave me. Hashem has given me a life that you can all attain. Yes, there will be days that you will yearn for more, but remember, Lo Yarpecha Velo Ya’azvekha, He’ll never let go of you or will you ever be forsaken!”

David Lemmer is an Orthodox Jewish Authir and Hyonotherapist. Find his books on Amazon and his videos on YouTube. He can be reached at lemmerHypno@gmail.com