Proceedings of the UN Human Rights Committee

Proceedings of the UN Human Rights Committee, Monday, November 18th, 2013

Chairman: The 46th meeting of the 3rd committee of the 68th session of the Human Rights Committee is now called to order (Gavel pound). I now invite the committee to resume its consideration of agenda item 76 A, a review of human rights violations committed by the State of Israel and I give the floor to the representative from Syria

Syria: Mr. Chairman, it is with honor that I begin this important review of the atrocities committed by the Zionist-

Israel: Mr. Chairman, if I may be permitted to interrupt and express our bewilderment and objection to this ludicrous proceeding where a regime that has been committing a massacre for over two years has the audacity to criticize Israel

Chairman: If it pleases the Israeli representative this is a Monday and this committee always bashes Israel on Mondays so let’s dispense of the bull

Palestine: Burn!

China: I…am…job

Syria: Mr. Chairman, last week, an international human rights organization revealed that Zionist soldiers detained a five year old Palestinian boy simply for walking next to one of many illegal and morally reprehensible settlements

Israel: If it pleases the committee we intend to show that the Palestinian boy in question is in-fact an explosives expert belonging to the terrorist organization Hamas

Chairman: Order! (Gavel pound) Order in the Committee! Now I will not allow any interruptions in these proceedings. Besides, how can a five year old Palestinian boy be an explosives expert?

Israel: They are a gifted people Mr. Chairman, Israel has never denied that

China: I…am…job

Syria: This is but one example of the manner in which the Zionist occupation violates the rights of the most vulnerable of all; children. Innocent, young, children treated like criminals forced to survive in unimaginable conditions

Israel: Unlike the children in Syria who are simply bombed from the skies or gassed by their own President

Germany: Did someone just say “gassed?”

Chairman: That is enough! Let the record state that the delegate from Israel has been warned once

Palestine: Burn!

China: I…am…Job

USA: Mr. Chairman if I may interrupt I have a brief statement I would like to read

Chairman: Yes of course, you do finance this entire organization so be my guest

USA: While the United States condems any and all violations of human rights, especially those of  minorities and the disenfranchised, and while it does recognize Israel as a Jewish independent State, independent of the settlements, and while it supports all actions taken to assist those whose rights have been violated, while taking into account the regional instability in the Middle East, and without assigning blame and calling on all sides in the conflict to reach a fair compromise, we feel, Mr. Chairman, that this hearing, like all hearings, regardless of time and place must and should continue, with the exception of the settlements yet without assigning blame. Thank you

Chairman: No, thank you for that enlightening example of US foreign policy. The committee will now hear from the representative from Sudan who wishes to submit for consideration agenda item 76 B, a report regarding the treatment of Palestinian women at Israeli checkpoints

Israel: Come on! Who’s going to talk next? Quisling?!

France: Woho! We win. Pay up suckers!

Chairman: What is the meaning of this?

France: We had a bet amongst the EU states how long it would take them to bring up the Holocaust…

Iran: That is a myth

Germany: Let it be stated for the record-

Iran: Here we go…

Germany: Let it be stated for the record! That the bond between Germany and Israel has never been stronger. Chancellor Merkel is committed to working with the Netanyahu government in order to ensure Israel’s security and any tapes, currently in the possession of the American NSA, in which she is heard referring to Mr. Netanyahu as “the one that got away” are fake

Chairman: Very good. I now give the floor to the representative from Turkmenistan

Turkmenistan: Mr. Chairman, if it pleases the committee, we would like to read a brief statement dealing with the systematic violation of the rights of Palestinian transgender

Palestine: Burn!

Israel: Yeah I’ll show burn! You ever experience the smell napalm in the morning!?

China: I…am…job

Israel: Jesus…

Iran: Now that’s one member of the tribe that didn’t get away

About the Author
Dr. Ilan Manor (PhD Oxford University) is a diplomacy scholar at Tel Aviv University. Manor's recent book, The Digitalization of Diplomacy, explores how digital technologies have reshaped diplomatic practices. Manor has contributed to several publications including The Times of Israel, The Jerusalem Post, Haaretz and the Jewish Daily Forward. According to his Twitter bio, Manor is the inventor of the ashtray. He blogs at