Random Truths

On my days off, I like to write down random musings in my mind.

I thought I would share some of them with you:

The truth is that my stomach hurts at this very moment, and I feel as if my life is really limited, because my fears are like barricades and I can’t step through them, or above them, or under them. 

You know what? I still have nightmares about things that happened to me more than a decade ago, and when I panic, I feel that I will truly lose control and die.

(I really miss my Aba more than anyone.)

The fact is, sometimes I feel that I’m brilliant, and sometimes I feel like I’m really pathetic and lousy. 

I’m Jewish…but I’m not sure if it matters. 

Another truth is that I have sad and happy moments every day, and that there are times where I would like to be held like a little girl, but also that I’m afraid to get raped.

I’m afraid of people who are physically violent, because the truth is I’ve been through domestic violence, and to this day, I still have recurring dreams about getting beaten up. 

I realize that I love Chava more than I love anyone in the world, and I feel that she heals me with her kindness. 

I’m 28 years old, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I sometimes still see a very young girl, but I also have a grown woman inside of me. 

I know myself well enough to know that I suffer from obsessive thoughts that repeat themselves, and that I can be quite paranoid. 

I love animals more than humans. I love their innocence, and I believe that they should be protected and cherished. 

On a happy note, I would like to go see Michael Singer, the guy who wrote the book, “The Untethered Soul,” because I believe that it could help me heal, and I want to heal, because I want to do good in the world. 

If I am alive, I might as well live to the fullest.