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Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Recognizing the Abusive Personality Syndrome

Be forewarned or cut your losses.

It is possible and easy to recognize the symptoms of people suffering from the Abusive Personality Syndrome. It’s often surreal how similarly they act.

NB: Not every nasty person has the APS. And not every ‘nice’ person is free of it. A one-time mistake may not define someone; a syndrome does. When you learn the below symptoms, you might start looking with suspicion at all people—you don’t need to. Most people are really fine.

1. Most people try to be nice. APS people like to be invincible. They are terrified of (but fascinated by) feelings and human weakness. They survived the most horrific childhood abuse and would rather kill than ever let anyone close again. They still feel under attack as they victimize others.

2. Knowledge is power, so they will lie and cheat about anything to keep everyone else in the dark. They must be control freaks as if their abuser is still lurking around the corner. These con artists will mislead and pretend better than any actor. Normal people are not very suspicious, so these fakers are often successful in inflicting much unnecessary fighting, lawfare, litigation, and emotional, relational, and monetary damage. But if you pay careful attention, you will immediately see they’re too good and nice to be true. You are not obligated to trust anyone. Trust must be won.

3. There is no appeasing, pleasing, or disarming an APS person. Being nice to them doesn’t reassure them. It makes them feel close, threatened, and panic. The only way to stop them is to corner them. But if they can escape, they’re even more dangerous. So, don’t antagonize them while you’re vulnerable. And it might take a village to neutralize them effectively.

4. Their terror of losing control over others makes them experts in manipulating influential people into liking them. Those must cover for them when they abuse common people. Being a saint to hundreds of kids or grownups and dignitaries doesn’t mean they can’t abuse their ‘private,’ extra vulnerable, and dependent ‘favorites.’ Most people will agree that they are very charming but overlook how cold and calculated they are! Another check, How do they act with powerless creatures (waiters, pets)?

5. The dishonest APS person is very lonely, especially because of their mistrust. They trusted the person who violated them as babies; they know how they are con artists; how could they trust anyone? They will try to get a spouse to subconsciously recreate their childhood abuse—not for closeness. Only now, they are the attacker—though they still feel the victim. Strife is their way to feel less lonely. If you ignore the hostility and let them win, they don’t get mellower. They will get more aggressive. Typically, their prey also survived (forgotten) childhood abuse and feels strangely at ease with their new, future tormentor. A bad familiarity! APS people should only team up with APS people (whom they immediately identify and are the only people they can respect) and have no kids. They have no respect for feeling people—only for fellow reptiles and snakes.

6. At a first meeting, they will run at you as if you were a long-lost relative. They’re too nice too quickly. That’s a huge warning sign!

7. If you got conned and have a business or life partner like that, you’re in for a horror show. You’re constantly lied to and checked upon. As soon as the front door closes, emotional, physical, and sexual spousal and child abuse are all possibilities, while outside, they play a hero and charmer. They may run huge charities. Once, I met an APS person who was head of a society for abused women! They are the ultimate chutzpah. If you had money together, don’t be surprised when it’s all gone, and they go to court with an expensive lawyer, paid for from your money, accusing you of theft.

8. Sex with an APS person is a grotesque, cold, and lonely affair while it’s meant to unite. Intimidation and faked ‘anger explosions’ can happen any second. They are unpredictably nice, followed by fury, to make you live in terror and enlarge your disappointment. Slowly, they will be increasingly nastier and stingier, moving your goalposts that should warn you when to run. Overnight while you sleep, they may change over the living room, and when you ask ‘What happened?’ they say worriedly, You’re so confused. Another true story: Two men who are friends from childhood. They got married to nice women and decided to build a business together. Spending vacations together, their children play with each other. One day, one of them gets to work, everything is gone. The money, the stuff, and the friend. He lost all he had ever worked for but also his trust. If he couldn’t trust his best friend, who could he trust? (Almost everyone else.)

9. Female APS partners aim to destroy your independence, autonomy, emotional health, relational health, sexual health (rape you or give sexual punishments) and contact with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. On top of that, male APS partners may joke about, threaten, and actually try to physically harm or kill you. Therefore, you need to leave them without too much preparation (so they won’t find out), while you’re still confused, scared, and powerless. In a safehouse, you may rebuild yourself. From a safe distance, you consider if you ever want to return to them. No doubt, you really love them. That doesn’t mean they could reciprocate.

10. Forget about therapy and change for them. They may cry on command but, also, close the tap as if nothing happened. They may rage, blame, and tell stories that shock and impress, but they won’t open up. They may try to use the therapist to team up against you or be secretive with them too. It’s well known that when a family comes for therapy and everyone looks crazy (distraught) except for one nice person, the latter is the villain. Don’t seek empathy for being a victim of an APS person from nice people who can’t imagine or believe any of it. It’s a waste of your time and heartache.

11. Their inner panic is a great motivator to work hard and never get discouraged. This is fortified by their refusal to ‘feel weak.’ Emotions would never confuse them. Being ‘half-human’ gives them a head start.

12. Their lack of empathy and love feels strange to us, but APS people are not ‘crazy‘ (confused). They are hyper-aware of reality. If not, they could not create ‘variations on the truth.’ They are also super-conscious of the slightest lying by others. They will happily make a big deal about the smallest inaccuracy from others and pretend to be greatly upset by it.

13. The neighborhood bully compares to the person with the APS as the general rapist to the incestuous abuser. The second is often in the house and always around and they hurt their victims even much worse.

14. When you’re conned by someone, don’t be surprised to find that each of their kids either has the APS or is nice but married to abusers. So sad.

15. Religious people should ask themselves why G^d lets this happen and try to find answers. My answers are thus: 1. No one would abuse anyone unless they’ve viciously abused themselves first. But eighty percent of all abuse victims remember how bad it was and would never abuse anyone. This sings praise of the human being, and we must stop child abuse. 2. If not confronted with abuse again, child victims would not try to recover from the early hurts; denying and pretending is just so much less painful. Built into every human brain is a strong desire to recover from all trauma.

***

With so many characteristics at hand, it should be easy not to hire or marry an ABS person, no matter how well-versed they are at deceit.

The term APS was first named and described by Dr. Miriam Adahan.

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About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1
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