Recognizing the Abusive Personality Syndrome
Be forewarned or cut your losses.
It is possible and easy to recognize the symptoms of people suffering from the Abusive Personality Syndrome. It’s often surreal how similarly they act.
NB: Not every nasty person has the APS. And not every ‘nice’ person is free of it. A one-time mistake may not define someone; a syndrome does. When you learn the below symptoms, you might start looking with suspicion at all people—you don’t need to. Most people are really fine.
1. Most people try to be nice. APS people like to be invincible. They are terrified of (but fascinated by) feelings and human weakness. They survived the most horrific childhood abuse and would rather kill than ever let anyone close again. They still feel under attack as they victimize others.
2. Knowledge is power, so they will lie and cheat about anything to keep everyone else in the dark. They must be control freaks as if their abuser is still lurking around the corner. These con artists will mislead and pretend better than any actor. Normal people are not very suspicious, so these fakers are often successful in inflicting much unnecessary fighting, lawfare, litigation, and emotional, relational, and monetary damage. But if you pay careful attention, you will immediately see they’re too good and nice to be true. You are not obligated to trust anyone. Trust must be won.
3. There is no appeasing, pleasing, or disarming an APS person. Being nice to them doesn’t reassure them. It makes them feel close, threatened, and panic. The only way to stop them is to corner them. But if they can escape, they’re even more dangerous. So, don’t antagonize them while you’re vulnerable. And it might take a village to neutralize them effectively.
4. Their terror of losing control over others makes them experts in manipulating influential people into liking them. Those must cover for them when they abuse common people. Being a saint to hundreds of kids or grownups and dignitaries doesn’t mean they can’t abuse their ‘private,’ extra vulnerable, and dependent ‘favorites.’ Most people will agree that they are very charming but overlook how cold and calculated they are! Another check, How do they act with powerless creatures (waiters, pets)?
5. The dishonest APS person is very lonely, especially because of their mistrust. They trusted the person who violated them as babies; they know how they are con artists; how could they trust anyone? They will try to get a spouse to subconsciously recreate their childhood abuse—not for closeness. Only now, they are the attacker—though they still feel the victim. Strife is their way to feel less lonely. If you ignore the hostility and let them win, they don’t get mellower. They will get more aggressive. Typically, their prey also survived (forgotten) childhood abuse and feels strangely at ease with their new, future tormentor. A bad familiarity! APS people should only team up with APS people (whom they immediately identify and are the only people they can respect) and have no kids. They have no respect for feeling people—only for fellow reptiles and snakes.
6. At a first meeting, they will run at you as if you were a long-lost relative. They’re too nice too quickly. That’s a huge warning sign!
7. If you got conned and have a business or life partner like that, you’re in for a horror show. You’re constantly lied to and checked upon. As soon as the front door closes, emotional, physical, and sexual spousal and child abuse are all possibilities, while outside, they play a hero and charmer. They may run huge charities. Once, I met an APS person who was head of a society for abused women! They are the ultimate chutzpah. If you had money together, don’t be surprised when it’s all gone, and they go to court with an expensive lawyer, paid for from your money, accusing you of theft.
8. Sex with an APS person is a grotesque, cold, and lonely affair while it’s meant to unite. Intimidation and faked ‘anger explosions’ can happen any second. They are unpredictably nice, followed by fury, to make you live in terror and enlarge your disappointment. Slowly, they will be increasingly nastier and stingier, moving your goalposts that should warn you when to run. Overnight while you sleep, they may change over the living room, and when you ask ‘What happened?’ they say worriedly, You’re so confused. Another true story: Two men who are friends from childhood. They got married to nice women and decided to build a business together. Spending vacations together, their children play with each other. One day, one of them gets to work, everything is gone. The money, the stuff, and the friend. He lost all he had ever worked for but also his trust. If he couldn’t trust his best friend, who could he trust? (Almost everyone else.)
9. Female APS partners aim to destroy your independence, autonomy, emotional health, relational health, sexual health (rape you or give sexual punishments) and contact with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues. On top of that, male APS partners may joke about, threaten, and actually try to physically harm or kill you. Therefore, you need to leave them without too much preparation (so they won’t find out), while you’re still confused, scared, and powerless. In a safehouse, you may rebuild yourself. From a safe distance, you consider if you ever want to return to them. No doubt, you really love them. That doesn’t mean they could reciprocate.
10. Forget about therapy and change for them. They may cry on command but, also, close the tap as if nothing happened. They may rage, blame, and tell stories that shock and impress, but they won’t open up. They may try to use the therapist to team up against you or be secretive with them too. It’s well known that when a family comes for therapy and everyone looks crazy (distraught) except for one nice person, the latter is the villain. Don’t seek empathy for being a victim of an APS person from nice people who can’t imagine or believe any of it. It’s a waste of your time and heartache.
11. Their inner panic is a great motivator to work hard and never get discouraged. This is fortified by their refusal to ‘feel weak.’ Emotions would never confuse them. Being ‘half-human’ gives them a head start.
12. Their lack of empathy and love feels strange to us, but APS people are not ‘crazy‘ (confused). They are hyper-aware of reality. If not, they could not create ‘variations on the truth.’ They are also super-conscious of the slightest lying by others. They will happily make a big deal about the smallest inaccuracy from others and pretend to be greatly upset by it.
13. The neighborhood bully compares to the person with the APS as the general rapist to the incestuous abuser. The second is often in the house and always around and they hurt their victims even much worse.
14. When you’re conned by someone, don’t be surprised to find that each of their kids either has the APS or is nice but married to abusers. So sad.
15. Religious people should ask themselves why G^d lets this happen and try to find answers. My answers are thus: 1. No one would abuse anyone unless they’ve viciously abused themselves first. But eighty percent of all abuse victims remember how bad it was and would never abuse anyone. This sings praise of the human being, and we must stop child abuse. 2. If not confronted with abuse again, child victims would not try to recover from the early hurts; denying and pretending is just so much less painful. Built into every human brain is a strong desire to recover from all trauma.
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With so many characteristics at hand, it should be easy not to hire or marry an ABS person, no matter how well-versed they are at deceit.
The term APS was first named and described by Dr. Miriam Adahan.
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