Rosh Hashana: How to Prepare and do Simanim

(Frum Guide book)

ר”ה- acronymyze it. If you spell it out, Rosh Hashana, we all know you are not frum. For the sake of these writings and your lack of knowledge, I will spell it out.

One big thing to do before Rosh Hashana is Hatarat Nedarim (getting rid of vows, you commital apikores). We do this by having a good 30 people, each individually, with total kavanah, stand in front of three guys (the judges who have sinned themselves, just yesterday) who cannot hear them. It is important that the different kinds of vows that you are asking for forgiveness for, are not understood.
Very important. As you are reading with a whole congregation, silently, so the judges can hear you, be sure to do it fast. You do not want to be the slow guy, slowing down the judges response. Which is always, ‘you are forgiven.’ No need to get in H’s way and start asking for details. If you are the slow guy, they will pick up that you are not really frum. Get down your mumble and skip a good paragraph in there. You only have about 15 seconds to read the 5 paragraphs audible and understandably. The mumble with the hi and low pitches at key moments is understood by H,’ and any real frum Jew.
I made the mistake this year, and pronounced a word. It slowed up the whole group. I even had one frum Jew look at me, and rightfully say while fuming, ‘Are you finished?’ That statement was the major part of his judgement. I was wrongfully judged for being not frum. Yes, my vows were annulled, as I like to make resolutions. Such as last year, when after 50 hours in shule for the Hight Holidays, I made a resolution that I will not go back to shule this year. Of course, I called it a Neder (a vow, you apikores who makes resolutions on the New Year, OY!).
Make it a point to not be one of the three judges. They will figure you out right away. As your mumble might be off that day.

Preparation for Rosh Hashana is key. As it is the Day of Judgement, you want to be on good behavior the day before. If you have been enjoying yourself this past year, throw on a kippah and some sleeves. Make it look like that is how you acted the whole year. Maybe pay for a drink at a place you have been stealing from. H’ seems to go for that stuff. We assume there is some over-site in the repentance process.
As with Yom Kippur, the most important aspect of the preparation for the High Holidays is going to the Mikveh (the spiritual bath, you soup using heretic). In any major city, you will be able to find your close friends there. As it is a communal holiday, it is important to get to know who you are praying next to.
This is just another aspect of making the holidays more uncomfortable. AS we have seen from the seating arrangements and planned 50 hours in shule over the next week, pain is part of the repentance process.
You are also not supposed to sleep during the day of Rosh Hashana, as that would lead to comfort and health. As we know, the most important aspect of Teshuva is pain and discomfort (Teshuva is repentance, you heretic who does not pray in a quorum and doesn’t understand Jewish words in English which are harder to understand than Hebrew).

Simanim- (the signs used on the table of Rosh Hashana to show how our enemies should die, you peace praying apikores, for a year of goodness in the world). We use food to mean something, that they are not connected to at all. I am personally against this tradition, as it encourages the Ashekenazic Jewish inclination to pun. And it is very annoying, and must be stopped. But I will not judge.
For those who do it, this is your chance to be creative with food. The only reason why this expression of creativity and fun is permitted, is because you get to curse people. That makes it fine. But I cannot deal with the acceptance it allows for puns. This year, my friend is doing Chumus, for Hamas. Eating Hamas or something. Hamas ground like chickpeas.
We are not a violent religion, but you get us going on simanim and violence is on. ‘May it be your will, like the selek, that you kill our enemies.’ We use random fruits for violence. Something that even vegetarians are offended by. We might not be violent, but we get Gd working for us on that. ‘May it be His will…You should choke on pits like a pomegranate.’ Our tradition for centuries. Why we are a weak people and use lawyers to fight our battles. ‘He shall send you to jail, like a carrot in a cage.’
Cursing our enemies or people that make it hard for us to pay our bills is permissible.
The least violent Siman is that we should be as a head and not a tail. For that one non-violent one, we cut off a fish head and place it on the table.
As can be seen, this tradition falls under the frum lexicon, as all parts of it are offensive to vegetarians.

Tashlich (where you throw away your sins, like Yitzchak who went to the alter, you apikores who still has no idea what it means based on my explanation)
You might see children throwing in bread. Don’t be there heretic that throws it in too.
That was permissible 30 years ago. Now it is not. They put their kids there to throw in the bread, to weed out the apikroes who is entrapping animals. Entrapment is only allowed on Rosh Hashana if there is a fruit. ‘You should be entrapped like an eggplant who was never really an egg.’

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: david@israelcomedy.com 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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