Scandal at Passover Program

A recent scandal erupted at Platinum Passover Resorts when it was revealed that the famous Tea Room was closed for a full eight minutes in between meals. Platinum prides itself on having top of the line service and caters to very wealthy Jews who want to go all out on a Passover excursion. Ellen Litowiz, a first time guest on the program was in shock. “Do you know who I am? Do you know how much I paid to be here?” When actually questioned who she was, and how much she did pay to be there, the answer was vague. “You should know who I am, and plenty!”

Saul Greenbaum, an investment banker from Manhattan had this to say, “Do you have any idea what I paid for this place?” Mr. Greenbaum was also asked what he paid and his response was, “You don’t wanna know!” Being vague seemed to be a running theme at the program amongst guests.

Micky Tennenbaum, long time staff and coordinator of the program went on record as saying, “We know these guys panic if food is not available twenty four seven, and the eight minute gap was inexcusable and won’t happen again. Sure, everyone was full from the lunch buffet, but that’s not the point. When here, we know guests look forward to eating at a very unhealthy pace and we need to cater to that.”

Tea Rooms are famous for being called “Tea Rooms”, but rarely is tea actually ever consumed. Every kind of Kosher for Passover snack, treat, and fruit is usually available; with many programs trying to out do one other. Platinum has a table with chocolate covered quinces being handed out by former NFL running back, Kansas City Chief, Christian Akoye. This still did not seem to satisfy many guests. Janice Feldman, wife of real estate mogul Josh Feldman had this to say, “Why couldn’t they get that Jonathan Unitas man, or Joseph Montana? I hear they were both very good, and quarterbacks. Isn’t that more impressive? My son won’t be very happy.” When it was explained that Okoye was a very good player, Unitas was deceased, and Joe Montana was unavailable, Mrs. Feldman was still not satisfied. “I just feel like they can do better. I mean do you have any idea what we paid to be here?” Platinum Passover has taken extra precautions to make sure the eight-minute closure will not happen again. In the meantime, rumors have circulated that Willem Defoe will be hosting the children’s fashion show. While unconfirmed, guests remain hopeful.