Sermons of Rebuke: Re’eh Excerpts


Shabbat Shalom

(12:8) We are a community in Israel. You can’t do this whole ‘every man what is right in his eyes’ thing.
Not like this community. Just look at the Aron. The ark looks like a scene from ‘Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.’ Who uses neon green on the ark cover? And then hot purple?…I am a supporter, but the ark is not a place for an aids quilt.
Once we enter Israel, there are rules. You make a quilt in unison. Not everybody according to his own…Then the sisterhood had to sew together this fopa.

(13:1) It is simple: You are supposed to do what H’ wants, ‘Do not add upon it, and do not take away from it.’
Everybody wants to make things complicated. It makes it worse. The watermelon, which you all turned into a basket? That was the worst tasting watermelon I ever had. Why did you have to do the little balls? Slices or chunks would have tasted so much better.
Lets take the Talit and make it colorful. No. Black on white. Those are the colors.
Rashi- Make five bands in your tefillin, five kinds of lulaves, four brachot for Birkat Cohanim…The Cohen blessing takes way too long as it is. Nay, nay, nay…They are now drawing out the tune. How about just saying ‘Veechuneka’ already? We are all waiting to do what H’s wants, to say the ‘Amen.’
Do we really need more? Do we have to challenge the Jewishness of others. It is not a game of I can have a more depressing life than you. I can add on more mitzvot. Look at how serious I am. A vein just burst. I have more kavanah than you. Maybe you should have had kavanah when drawing your part of the quilt, Shlomo. You were shuckling the whole time. Moving back and forth. There is not one straight line in your whole square…Are you mocking aids?
Take your aids quilt seriously. We need to do a new aids project…

Do we really need more mitzvot?
And then you take away from the mitzvot. OK, the etrog is expensive. But a lime?
Must I remind you of Aaron’s sons? I know you all like to add little things- build your own alters.
No. You do build little alters. I see you staring at them all day. Your Home Entertainment System. Your little alter, where you sacrifice your soul…I know that is good rabbi stuff. Calm down.
(13:3) Lets give the other deities a try. No. H’ took us out of Egypt. He did his job. No need to keep on looking for new options…Keep to one channel. That is why I never watch TV with you congregants.
The idea of this world is to accept. With all the new that is around us, we must accept the simple. That is the basis of morality.
How do we take the complicated and have it make sense in our simple commitment? Torah. Oy. I have to tell you this????

You don’t just throw up an aids quilt where every little square is an individual’s thoughts. You coordinate…Look at the Winnie the Pooh, right next to Superman. It makes no sense. He is relaxed but a hero?
You coordinate. You make it simple and beautiful and not Neon Green, like the etrog you purchased last year.

We have to be strong against those who try to take us away from the service of H.’ So we can guard the mitzvot (14:19) To do what is right in H’s eyes.’ To cover this Aron/Ark with some respect. A new quilt where we support aids as a community, with some pattern that follows.

***These are excerpts from the sermon. For the sermon in its entirety, come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Shabbat Shalom

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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