Mort Laitner
Mort Laitner

Sleeping with the Enemy 

The Bird's Head Haggadah is the oldest surviving illuminated Ashkenazi Passover Haggadah. Housed in the Israel Museum (Circa 1300) public domain. It's called the Birds' Head Haggadah because all the Jewish men, women and children depicted in the manuscript have human bodies with faces and beaks of birds.

On March 15, 2021, Miss Blame-California-Wildfires-on-Rothschild-Funded-Space-Lasers did some recon on the “Jews.”

Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene snuck into the belly of the beast. She visited a few Orthodox neighborhoods in Brooklyn and Long Island, accompanied by Nachman Mostofsky. Nachman is the almost-famous sibling of the jailed Jewish revolutionary and US Capitol insurrectionist, Aaron Mostofsky. Ya’ll remember him, that meshuga wrapped in beaver pelts holding the wooden spear and a police shield.

Well, Nachman promised Greene that he’d help clean up her image with the “Jews.” All she’d have to do is visit the Hebrew ‘hood, accompanied by a bunch of right-wing rabbis dressed in their traditional 18th-century garb—the fur hats and the black robes.

Greene accepted the offer and being a lover of long rifles, Marjorie also hoped to tour Brooklyn’s Jew Laser Gun Institute and Manufacturing Plant. But sadly—on such short notice—she couldn’t secure proper clearance to see the plant. But on the other hand, her Orthodox buddies broke all the rules to allow this blonde bombshell of a shiksa entry into the following restricted sanctuaries: a yeshiva, a matzah bakery, a kosher market and restaurant.

These are the traditional sites the Orthodox take anti-Semites to convert them to Jew-lovers.

We interviewed the congresswoman on her return to Washington to inquire what she learned on her junket into the so-called, “Orthodox Promised Land.”

Reporter: Marjorie, how was your trip to the Big Apple?

Marjorie: It was a real eye-opener. I learned a whole bunch of stuff about the Yids.

Reporter: Okay, let’s start with the easy stuff, what was the Jewish cuisine like?

Marjorie: Honey, it ain’t biscuits and gravy. It was pretty, pretty, awful. Kosher food really sucks. It made me gag and that’s hard to do. Y’all know as a southern gal, we eat our fair share of exotics, like pig’s knuckles and grits.

Not only was the kosher food bad but I saw the prices on the menu. And honey, y’all won’t believe this, the Orthodox have the nerve to charge more money for this crappy food—just because some rabbi inspected, or slaughtered and prayed over it.

Reporter: So you consider kosher food to be a financial rip-off?

Marjorie: Darlin’ y’all better believe it! I’ll never eat that stuff again. I’m still constipated.

I ate some stuff the Jews called, “matzah” in their bakery. It was like eating flavorless Ritz Crackers made out of cardboard.

Then these Jews had the nerve to “schmear” chopped liver on this unleavened bread and pushed it toward my mouth. Me, being a Southern girl, thought what the heck? I closed my eyes, opened my mouth and I bit into it. Big mistake. I still haven’t been able to have a BM.

Reporter: So in your opinion, could these Jewish foods be weaponized against us?

Marjorie: Darling, not really. They’re too unappealing to the eye, the nose and the taste buds. There’s a weird ball-shaped fish called the “gefilte.” I gagged as this jelly-covered fish with a smattering of horseradish hit my tongue and rolled down my throat. I almost puked.

That G-d-awful smell and that unsightly color, was too much for my fragile nervous system. I started to cry.

Then these Yids placed some boiled chicken and flanken (a tough cut of short ribs, heavy on the tendon and fat) on the table. Looking at it almost killed me. It nauseated me. But I, being a Southern lady, tasted a bissel.”

Horrible! I will never again taste that dreck.

I watched a Greene raised her index finger and said,

Sugah’ on the other hand, the carrots were quite tasty and I loved the knaydlekh.

But there was a brighter side of my trip to Jewland, the yeshiva boychicks stared and drooled at little ol’ me as if I was Marilyn Monroe. I think my tight little yellow outfit with the red scarf around my neck and my red high heels really raised their schmeckels. These shvitzers couldn’t take their bible-reading eyes off of me.

I heard one of them say, “Nachman! Gevalt! Oy, vey is mir! Bringing a shiksa in the men’s dormitory of a yeshiva?”

Reporter: You know Marjorie, not only are you attractive gal but you’re a pretty amazing woman. In one day with the Jews and you already speaking their language. Are you fixin’ to go back to the Big Apple?

Marjorie: Well, bless your heart for those kind words. I’ve heard the yeshiva is considering me for an honorary degree in the Humanities. If that true, I’ll gladly return. But I ain’t eatin’ any more of that Jewish crap. They can kick me out of Congress for what I just said. But I’ve already sacrificed too much. Enough is enough.

Reporter: Marjorie, I want to thank you for this interview, for your candor, for your observations and for the sacrifices you made for the people of the great State of Georgia. You’ve proven that you’re no longer a peddler of anti-Semitic theories and for that I am so proud of you.

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. Mort is a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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