Stop Kvetching, Make Sandwiches 

The Jewish world is small enough that nearly all of us know someone directly affected by the Hamas-Israel war, the hostages in Gaza, or the looming threat of an Israel-Iran conflict. We’re also watching the political turmoil within the Israeli government, which is under significant pressure for the failures on October 7 and is now pursuing aggressive strategies to secure its political future – moves with potentially serious repercussions. It’s as though we’ve been sitting shiva since that day, seeking comfort and community in our collective mourning. Yet, our default response is to kvetch.

Israelis kvetch, Jews around the world kvetch, and the Jewish news media kvetches. We are a people perpetually falling apart—constantly under attack, ignored, silenced, and victimized.

Support from our allies is eroding. The world seems to be turning against Israel and the Jewish people. Antisemitism, bigotry, corruption, and incompetence are everywhere. Many have become disconnected from our history, struggles, and purpose. Just when there’s a quiet moment, it’s followed by another hate march, hateful quote, or antisemitic image.

Merriam-Webster defines kvetching as the act of “complaining habitually.” Honestly, we have plenty to complain about.

Enemies have risen throughout history to destroy the Jewish people, from the Egyptians to Amalek’s descendants, Haman to the Nazis, and now, the Islamic Republic of Iran and its terror network. Even today, antisemitism thrives, from swastika-emblazoned merchandise to hate speech from public figures like rapper Ye (formerly known as Kanye West).

After October 7, Israel gets a raw deal in world opinion. Many organizations and leaders should have unequivocally condemned Hamas’s attack, shown greater empathy for Israel’s predicament, and given it the benefit of the doubt. But they haven’t—and likely won’t.

Kvetching has become a coping mechanism—a way to process the avalanche of shock, pain, contempt, anger, anxiety, and fear. It’s a release valve that makes life’s darkest moments more bearable. But kvetching alone won’t fix anything.

From Kvetching to Action

Israel’s leaders vowed to “crush and destroy Hamas” and bring all the hostages home, dead or alive. Yet, top spokesman of the Israeli Defense Forces (IDF) admitted that eliminating Hamas is not a realistic goal, stating that reducing Hamas to a marginal force—capable of sporadic violence rather than shaping the political and security landscape—is not achievable. To claim otherwise, he warned, was nothing more than “throwing sand in the eye of the public.”

The devastation on both sides is undeniable. Now that Israel and Hamas have reached a ceasefire and hostage deal, does that mean the war is over? Not necessarily. Since March 1, when the first phase of the ceasefire expired, the agreement has been in a state of limbo.

Hamas and its affiliated terror groups still pose a threat as do other players seeking to delegitimize Israel. Hardline Israeli settlers push for resettlement in Gaza and the occupied territories. Meanwhile, Trump and Netanyahu’s right-wing fantasy to “Make Gaza Great Again,” envisions the forced removal of Palestinians to transform Gaza into the “Riviera of the Middle East.

Abandoning the Palestinian cause is a direct threat to the Arab world regimes and is a recipe for an-out regional war. More suffering and bloodshed is not the answer.

Meanwhile, many Israeli hostages remain in captivity. Under international law, “the principle of equal rights and self-determination of peoples” prohibits the conquest of another state’s territory. No exceptions exist—for Palestinians or Israelis.

Expanding Our Perspective

American professor, social worker, and author Brené Brown says, “When we look away from the pain of any people, we diminish their humanity and our own.” So why do we only focus on our suffering and not that of others?

We acknowledge that we’re alive, our children are safe, and most of us aren’t living with explosions outside our doors. Those who endure war firsthand can attest to the psychological toll—panic, trauma, PTSD—realities that are difficult to fathom from the comfort of our homes in San Diego, Florida, Europe, or even Tel Aviv.

Yet, as we sip our coffee and snack on something delicious, our focus remains singular: The Palestinians! Our land! Our rights! Our crisis! Our…!

The Kvetch Sandwich: A Healthier Way to Complain

Psychotherapist Guy Winch compares kvetching to a squeaky wheel– annoying, repetitive, and rarely effective. He argues that we need to kvetch in ways that foster cooperation and increase the chances of resolving our grievances.

So how do we kvetch more effectively—without feeling defeated, frustrated, or powerless?

Winch suggests making a kvetch sandwich—a simple yet effective technique for constructive complaining. The idea is to “sandwich” the actual kvetch (the meat) between two positive statements (the bread). This approach serves three purposes:

1. It reduces defensiveness in the listener.
2. It focuses on the issue rather than the frustration behind it.
3. It increases the likelihood of a positive response and real solutions.

A well-crafted kvetch isn’t just about venting—it’s about being heard and making progress.

Kvetching vs. Action

David Ben-Gurion, Israel’s founding father, said, “What matters is not what the non-Jews say, but what the Jews do.” In reality, he understood that words, and global perception, mattered. He knew when Israel needed to compromise, whether by accepting the partition of Palestine or making a deal with Germany less than a decade after the Holocaust. He understood the importance of weighing costs and making pragmatic decisions.

Many peace activists, myself included, have struggled with doubts since the October 7 attack and Israel’s military response. The belief that a political solution is the only way to break the cycle of violence feels like an increasingly difficult argument to make. When I tell family and friends that Palestinians and Israeli Jews have no future unless they can coexist in equality, safety, and freedom, their eyes roll before the heated debates—or the silent distancing—begins.

I understand their support for retaliation is fueled by anger, grief, and fear. But do we need more proof of the failure of military force than Afghanistan? U.S. leaders insisted for decades that war and occupation were necessary for security, much like Israeli leaders do now. Yet after the U.S. withdrawal in 2021, the Taliban swiftly reclaimed control, rendering years of bloodshed and intervention meaningless. Occupying people who do not want to be occupied has never led to lasting peace—it has only prolonged the suffering.

From Kvetching to Doing

Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers), one of the most well-known and frequently cited Jewish texts, offers a timeless ethical principle:

“The urgency to relieve suffering lives in us.
The task is overwhelming.
No one of us can fix it all,
Neither are we permitted to desist from trying.”

These words remind us that while we may not be able to solve every crisis, we are still obligated to do what we can. True moral courage is rooted in compassion. Upholding ethics and meaning in times of conflict isn’t a weakness—it’s the definition of strength.

This is the only world we’ve got. We need to learn how to live in it.

So, let’s stop kvetching—and start making sandwiches!