Student Activists for Palestine — the Parody

Since the Nakba in 1948, the people of Palestine have been systematically oppressed by the illegal occupation of Palestine. Their land has been stolen, their homes demolished for no reason (I mean, it’s their land – they can build where ever they want), their babies murdered indiscriminately by the Israeli Occupation Forces (IOF), their cities ethnically cleansed. Justice in Palestine has been silenced. This is why I write. I write to inspire you to stand up for equality, just as great Che Guevara did, just as the fearless Noam Chomsky does, and just as I was inspired to do when my $60,000-per-year private university held Israel Apartheid Week.

The week included four days of educational events to get the word out about occupied Palestine. We held informational meetings with experts in the field like Hedy Epstein, and we know that what she says about the Zionist entity matters because she’s Jewish and she lived during the Holocaust (I mean, she wasn’t actually in the Holocaust but like who cares, she was alive so, same thing), and Remi Kanazi, who isn’t actually an expert but he does do trendy ‘spoken word’ about Palestine and they also do spoken word at the coffee shop where I buy my organic coffee and vegetarian fried crunchy okra so like, justice is cool.

On day two, we had a film screening of “Roadmap to Apartheid” which talked about how Palestine is the same as apartheid South Africa (which, of course, I wasn’t alive for but obviously it’s exactly the same). Then, on day three, we put up a giant wall symbolizing the Israeli apartheid wall that the Jews use to keep the Arabs away from the Jews, (well I mean that’s what Ben White says, and he’s like really smart).  And did you know the Jews even make the Palestinians take different roads because some are for Jews only (which is totally unfair because Al-Quds is their city to begin with)?

Anyway, we spent the whole day telling others the truth about Palestine; everything from the Gaza Massacre in 2008, when the IOF killed 1400 Palestinians and only 13 Jews died, which demonstrates the IOF’s disproportionate force, to the Naksa, which was when the Zionist entity stole a bunch of land in 1967 because they started war and tried to capture Egypt.

Finally, on the last day of apartheid week, we held a Boycott, Divest and Sanction (BDS) educational meeting to teach everyone how to disrupt speeches of Israeli government representatives and deprive the student body of delicious Sabra hummus. Immediately following the meeting, we put on our BDS T-shirts and headed to the protest outside the Israeli Consulate, and that’s where the real fun began.

Now I’m not quite sure what we were protesting, but I know it was something about prisoners being put in jail for blowing up Jews (which is obviously necessary for the liberation of Palestine). Anyway, we held up our iPhone 5’s and chanted for justice: “Israel Israel you can’t hide, we charge you with genocide!” After a while we got tired of that and some of my Muslim friends started switching it up with, “Khaybar, Khaybar ya Yahud, jaysh Muhammad sauf ya’ud.” I’m still not sure what that one means, but it was catchy, so I said it too. Then, you wouldn’t believe what happened next. People supporting the Zionist entity showed up and started talking about how the Jews only attack and occupy because Hamas fires rockets and uses human shields.

I mean, I think that’s what they were saying but I actually couldn’t really hear because we just yelled louder whenever the Jews came close, but I mean, come on, Hamas is an organization of freedom fighters, and everyone knows that the Jews are lying about Hamas’s war crimes so they can steal more land.

Anyway, they’re always calling us anti-Semites, which is stupid because all Arabs are Semites (duh), so obviously I’m not an anti-Semite, I just don’t like Jews. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve never actually been outside of the United States, much less to Palestine. My traveling consists of high school band trips to California and track meets on the other side of Ohio, but I owe it to the world to fight for the Palestinian (and Native American, and Black) cause. After all, I was born into a privileged white American family, and helping the oppressed relieves me of my guilt for being the product of white capitalist pigs. You see, I don’t need to be in Palestine to feel the pain of displacement and apartheid, and neither do you. Join me in the fight for justice today.

*And yes, sadly, everything I satirically mentioned in this article is something I have actually seen or heard from anti-Israel activists. 








About the Author
Emily Schrader is a writer and political consultant originally from Los Angeles, California. She made aliyah in 2015 and works for a nonprofit organization in Jerusalem. Emily has a BA from the University of Southern California and MA from Tel Aviv University. She has previously written for many different publications including The Weekly Standard, The Jerusalem Post, and more.