Teshuva – The Process of Love

Teshuva is a process of growth as the Gemara states in Yoma 86b, B’oso Makom, B’oso Isha, B’oso Perek, which means we must get ourselves to the same exact moment that we fell last time and not fall again. So too is there a concept, in the Gemara in Avoda Zara 18a, of Yesh Koneh Olamo Besha’a Achas, which would mean that Teshuva is done in an instant as well. So we must first come to reconcile these two opposites.

A husband and wife once had a very large disagreement. The suppressed words of I’m sorry were so deep inside that their communication was non verbal, which meant, silence and physicality. Their relationship deteriorated and soon they came to the one thing they both agreed on that they are not meant to be together. As they were finalizing the papers the Husband turned to his soon to be ex and said, “You know, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be better and make it work.” With a tear in her eye she said, “Me too.” She stared at the lawyer and then at her husband and quietly said, “I would try if I had another chance.” They stopped the proceedings and decided to give it one more shot.

Their quietness at this point was one that brought peace, their awkwardness around each other made them smile and their shyness brought fondness into their lives. It wasn’t until a few days later that he remembered what he disliked and the high of that moment had vanished. He understood the commitment he had made just days earlier and opened some books and reached out to others who may have some words to help him. So too did he find himself alone at many times and was inclined to repeat his self sabotaging behaviors that usually led him to sadness and depression. He knew that he must do work to take care of his self control because at this point he knew that this destructive pattern is what led him to almost losing the one he loved so dearly.

She too had had her times of struggle. Her heart yearned for more so many nights and her tears felt in vain. She would wish for a better life and blame herself and others for her wasteful lot. The words she uttered in that law office that Monday were so far back in the distance that at times she questioned why she even said them. But the memories of her past with him would arise and her renewed vow to make it work stood in her way. She filled her schedule with positive and constructive actions and people, she dedicated time to her hobbies and dreams, and made a point to journal her words for half an hour each day.

The pair slowly came to adore each other’s growth, they had vulnerable conversations and connected on a deeper level. The shame that once overtook them as separate individuals has now faded away and a surrounding light of passion and love has been rekindled. Their broken hearts were mended back together with whole words. They acknowledged each other’s work and appreciated the baby steps they achieved. They have found each other in the most unexpected place, a place so deep that they have created together, unknowingly, throughout their misery. 

Speaking of the stories and episodes they’ve been through, laughing at the childlike behaviors they were engulfed in. Feeling as if the past was always meant to be in order for this special day to come. The questioning of their past choices has now been answered with clarity, “All things are a test for us to learn their lessons.” They learnt to spend their time wisely together because they understood that the choices of the past were His will, and it is what we do in this moment that will be the choices they look back at in the future. Their family grew and their love never died, for it transcends this reality and keeps burning forever. 

Getting back together is what Sha’a Achas did; Making it work every single day is what B’oso Makom etc. did. The work we do all year is the grueling and hard part of climbing the ladder, the tiring and relentless duty of self discipline and control. We rise and fall, tumble and get back up. We give up so many times and are filled with doubts about our commitment. We get sucked so deep into our problems that we forget that tomorrow we will surely find some peace. At times we may be so deep in the darkness that we can’t even think about another existence besides this one, but true love is out there and it’s upon us to make the first move.

In Elul we come back to a position of renewing our vows, it is a time for reflection and a full month for preparation. It is when we start talking to each other again and take the time to look back at the year that has passed. Acknowledging the commitment that we have made last year and standing there bare with no shame over our deeds. Connecting back as one, remembering the good times and the bad, knowing what things to repeat and what things to add meaning to. Recognizing where we went wrong and what subjects in our relationship requires some more attention. We evaluate our commitment and see where our heart stands, as we look for the flame hidden deep inside that has made us come back last year.

It is the undeniable truth that we want to live with peace. We have come to appreciate the toil and struggle of the year because now when we look back we can clearly see how our relationship has prospered. We have proven facts on our side when we see ourselves calmer as we have overcome addiction so many times throughout. With gratitude to Him for giving us another chance, we are overfilled with joy even for the hardest of times. We start feeling how we are being embraced in His arms, His eternal love, all day long.

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Our lost heart that has felt despair and loneliness, the brokenness that has shattered our dreams, has now been mended by the One we love, and the pain we suffered is not as bad as it seemed. The patterns of life, those challenging trials, are now the memories of which we speak, the hidden words we buried for a while, from down below a light does shine and peek. The castle we’ve been searching for comes nearer, as we walk along the path beyond shame, the stories we made suddenly become clearer, it made us the person that we became. We can regret the choices but we can’t ever change the past, we are the people with this exact history, it is from this depth that He wishes to redeem us, to raise us up high to glory. Teshuva is the path back to the kingdom, where His love is felt eternally, it is the life we have that will bring us back there, He gave us this grand opportunity. Let us go back to the arms of our lover, to be held tightly by the Greatest King of Kings, our Father that yearns for us to find Him, all roads to His home back they bring. Take this time to reflect and commit, His everlasting love to you admit.

David Lemmer is an Orthodox Jewish Author and Hypnotherapist. Check out his books on Amazon and watch his videos on YouTube. He can be reached at LemmerHypno@gmail.com