The Aliyah Manifesto: Everybody Left Something Behind

Olim From Different Countries
You also gave up something

There are shocks for everybody when they move to Israel, not just ‘Amercians.’ We all give up stuff.
Canadians give up recycling. When you grow up with an addiction for recycling, it is hard to see the way Israelis go through plastic bags. With the way the supermarket bags rip, you need to quadruple bag. It hurts any Torontonian to have to see that waste, knowing that just ten thousand kilometers away, you can go to jail for using a plastic bag. It is hurtful. Now, you have to bag your groceries for free. The shock and surprise of freedom can be vexing. The world is being destroyed and Israelis are saving money on plastic bags.
I respect Canadians for keeping plastic bags around. Charging people 20 cents for plastic bags makes me think twice. In the rest of the world, people use plastic bags with no thought. They say, ‘There is a little hole on the bottom, I should throw it out.’ Throw it out in what? A plastic bag? You double it up and save it! Use it as the base bag for your cola bottles. Make use!!! Think twice and stop the extinction of plastic!!!! Sew it up!!!!! That all deserves exclamation, you user. I do know many Canadians who visit Israel for the free plastic bags. I see it in their suitcases, bagging all their toiletries, Tshirts, and plastic bags. But you still have that recycling consciousness and I respect that.
You also gave up not being allowed to talk about other cultures. I know it is hard to grasp a regular Israeli conversation. Now you can talk. You can even mention colors in your conversation. Israelis love talking about the primaries.
By the way, you are Americans. You get mad at me when I say I am American- ‘We are also in America.’ You get mad at me when I call you American- ‘I am not American, I am Canadian.’ Stop getting angry about everything. I understand you are pissed off, because you do not have ‘American’ citizenship, but you have to get over that. I understand you are pissed off that the only people in the world you are allowed to talk about without being incarcerated are Americans. You have to let your racism out and you are not allowed to talk about the First Nation anymore. Let it out, you have to. But you understand, we are both Israeli now, we both do not pay for plastic bags. You have it just as easy as I do, when you have to pick up electronics, you also fly to America. That is the US of A.

Argentinians give up mate tea. Now you don’t have to share your tea with everybody else in the room. That is bothersome for you coming from a society where all your germs were shared with everybody you met that night. It is a beautiful tradition to not be allowed to drink your own tea. Instead, now you have Kiddush, in which you have to share wine with everybody else in the room. You can still share your saliva with everybody else. Get over it. You have a job now. The Israeli government only steals half of what you make. The Israeli government doesn’t take it all from you, so that you can transport yourself on a train, for half a peso.
You also gave up the bidet. To give up the class of having a fountain next to your toilet is sacrifice. Uruguay you are also in this. You have both taken credit for everything in Argentina. Can we include all of South America in Argentina? I think we can. I think we can call all of South America Buenos Aires. You all take credit for letting milk you cooked too long. Nobody cares where caramel comes from. And nobody cares if you call it Dulce De Leche. It is overcooked milk. It is not classy. That is what you gave up. I understand it can be hard to give up the greatest dessert condiment. Now you have to eat halva. I empathize.
I did ulpan in January of 2004, which means that I met Argentineans. They moved to Israel for economic reasons. It happens.  I don’t think they are there anymore. But they will be coming back to Israel soon. I am sure the economy in Argentina will collapse again. The in-gathering of the exiles still has a chance.
Next time somebody visits your country, maybe you want to tell them to sit before turning on the bidet. Maybe you also want to let them know that when you share a metal straw for your tea, that the water does not cool down on the way to your mouth.

Columbians and all good law abiding countries of South America gave up some solid drug business. And that is not something that is easy to find in Israel.
Mexicans gave up Los Angeles.
Brazilians gave up a flag that is really cool.
All of South America gave up some form of dance in which the male looks like he has just pooped his pants. None of you know the dances anyways. You are in Israel now and can learn to Tango, Waltz, Salsa. It is all the same. Twirling is what you are going to do. And now you can twirl solo, in your new counrty’s dance of Rikudei Am/Israeli dancing. You can now twirl your way to an arm throw in Israeli folk dancing, and you can be one of the three Israelis who knows Israeli dancing. Or you can do the real national Israeli dance of the techno jump. You might be able to do a little more exciting, simcha dancing at some religious funky wedding dance party, where you touch the man or woman in front of you (man touching man, woman touching woman) going around in a circle. Nothing quite like the fun. So get over your line dances, you’ve now got three new choices of circle dance. Got to love it. And you can also do one of the top Israeli Dances known as the Merengue.

Europeans have to now pay for public transportation. You all never paid for it. You disgusting take things for free people. I wouldn’t have paid either if it was dependent on an honor system. You do have the Jerusalem light rail. You don’t have to pay for that if you don’t get caught. The only difference is that the European public transportation you are used to was useful.
Holland gave up the shoes. Forget marijuana, you need harder drugs to enjoy clogs. My parents bought me a pair when I was in grade school. I hated that gym class. Having to sprint in that stuff is not fun. I do not know how you all do it. You can now purchase sneakers with rubber soles.
Italians gave up wine, pasta and pizza. We have all of that in Israel. I just said that to make you mad. Truth is that pasta and pizza are Israeli cuisine. We need more olive oil in stuff. You gave up German cars. They work. You didn’t give up your Italian cars. You did not give up the Fiat. You guys don’t even use them in Italy. Very stylish and looks great when you park it. No need to worry, you can get all those cars in Israel, for a 250% the government wanted some money tax. In Israel, you can get cars from any country that was part of the Axis. You did give up the relaxation of knowing that no 2 clocks in Rome are the same. That makes for a more relaxing life. Maybe now you can enjoy stuff that works, and buildings that are built straight.
French give up perfume, but you all smell disgusting anyways. Now you can take baths. If you are worried about Israel’s water shortage, you can still fit in by smelling bad. You can also buy the same French name brand perfumes on the streets of Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. I know a good 11 year old who sells Rolexes too.
British people gave up the ability to be smug and to not be judged for it. I passed through the Heathrow airport and I was greeted with so much disdain for my smile. I then got on the flight satisfied with my full cultural experience of Britain. Truthfully, I love a British audience. I must say, you did give up a bit of sophistication. But who doesn’t love comedy where a man puts on wig and skirt. Nothing is better than a kilt. And may I say, you did give up some good entertainment in court; making the law professionals wear wigs- brilliant. However, you gave up your good sense of humor when you stopped that law of the lawyers wearing wigs a few years ago, so that killed the entertainment. Don’t blame us, you gave it up. You did give up a lot, but you are in Israel and the women wear wigs. You don’t have a profession; now you are allowed to smile.

Russians didn’t give up anything. When I say Russians, I mean anybody East of Israel, including Eastern Europe and India and China.
Russians wanted to get out of there. Babi Yar is a great park, but not if you are Jewish. There is a reason why so many Chassidim go to the Ukraine every year. Don’t worry, Israel still has its share of parks of Jewish persecution for you to play in. You have it all in Israel. The national language is Russian. If you want a true Israeli experience, you can visit your homeland and speak Hebrew. I gave up my Walkman in Russia. If anybody finds the guy who stole it, please bring it back to me. That is David Kilimnick’s Walkman. I live in Jerusalem. You can reach me at I love Walkmans. Now I have to sit when I listen to music. I hate it.
Germans gave up their clocks on every corner. I am sorry, now you have an excuse to be late. You are not even German, you are Russian.
Scandinavians gave up fjords and a lot of good looking non-Jews. Get over it. Everybody in your country hated you. There is a reason you can’t go to shule without an armed escort. And if you want to meet a Norwegian, speak with Rabbi Melchior. He will hook it up with the Rabbanut.

South Africans give up biltong, a flat mountain top, a guy stealing their car at gun point. You may not have grocery stores coming to your windows at robots in Israel, but you do have the shuk. And lets be honest, you gave up a good laugh, when you can’t see a minivan with 80 people in it anymore. However, the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey’s Circus does make it to Israel.
New Zealanders give up sheep and a good backdrop for movies.
South Pole people gave up penguins. But you do have the Biblical Zoo.
Australians gave up being around relaxed people and vegemite. But you are now closer to Britain and everybody enjoys marmite more.

Chinese people didn’t give up anything. Chinese people haven’t moved to Israel yet, and I know this because there is no Chinatown.
Japanese and Philippine population, you have karaoke in Israel too. So stop complaining. Thailandees gave up hanging out with Israelis. Some Philippine and Thailandees who moved to Israel did give up their families. But you now have a new grandfather to push, with a yarmulke. Sorry for pointing out that people in every first world country are too rich to care about their parents and grandparents.
Syrians gave up Brooklyn and Deal, New Jersey.
Iranians gave up being murdered. Persians gave up nothing, because you don’t exist. I know you do not exist, so stop trying to lie. You are not Persians, you are terrorists. Persia stopped with the megilah, the Scroll of Esther.
Ethiopians and other people from Africa gave up something. I don’t know what they gave up, but they did give up something. I will watch more National Geographic. I did see one episode of National Geographic and I know there are Safaris and animals that attack you. So you did give up having to defend yourself every day from lions. But you can see a lion in the Biblical Zoo. The lion is locked in a cage, so it cannot kill you, which might take away from the fun. That is not racism. That is how National Geographic educated me.
Indians gave up plantations and casinos. That is not funny. I love Bollywood and nobody should ever give up that stuff. Grease was a great movie and I respect an industry committed to it. Thank Gd for the movie ‘Gandhi’ without which I would know nothing about your country that was not Bollywood.

I am from America and I am not Canadian. I know very little about other countries. I did not learn anything in grade school. I learned something about South America and a Mason-Dixon Line. I did not know that people spoke Spanish or Portuguese in the Western Hemisphere. I did not know people spoke Spanish in the US, until my last visit. What I have written may not be very accurate. Nonetheless, I now know that other countries exist; and thanks to sports, I know Israel is in Europe. I have learned all of this, thanks to the Kibbutz Galuyot, in-gathering of Jews of all types, to Israel; the in-gathering of my brothers and sisters, who I can’t understand at all.
I haven’t even traveled to most of the places I mentioned. This is not all factual. Please keep that in mind. I do not expect all of the people who read this to have a sense of humor. Please note, I do love Europe, and I would visit more often if I wanted to see Arab culture. Again, you think this is all factual. It might be, but I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t seen most of these places. I do not need information to back up my theories. I am American and I was educated to be creative. I would think that there are Arabs that live in the Middle East too.
I will focus more on your countries in the next edition. I do hope all you expats from whatever country you come, now feel part of this book- included and offended. We all give up something to make Aliyah. For the Russians who moved, they might have wanted to give up the gulag.
You all have reasons to be happy to be here. I came from a well to do society, when it was doing well. And you also have it just as easy as I do, when you have to pick up electronics, like the Canadians, you also fly to America.

If I put nothing else in this book, for the construction people of Israel, make the bathroom doors to the tiny bathrooms so that they open to the outside. So that people can get in.
We all give up food. Everybody grows up with their unique home cooking. Yes, some of your moms cook poorly. We all gave up family and extreme ridicule. But we do have our new Israeli neighbors and other drivers on the roads for that. The Russian people have a seat in the bathroom now. But all of us gave up bathrooms we can fit in.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.