The Aliyah Manifesto: Introduction #1

I have a lot of thoughts

Shalom My Friends, Groupies, and Family Members who will not like this book,

This is my story of Aliyah. Why I did it, what I went through, what I am going through. These are the reasons for my move. I hope that by the end of the book, my parents will finally understand. This is not the whole story. The whole story would be way too long. That would include the hours of sleep.
I wake up at 4pm. After seven years in Israel, it is not jetlag. I blame it on jetlag. I do not want people thinking I am lazy. Jetlag is an excuse Olim use when they are not traveling. Excuses for getting out of work are a survival skill in Israel. Nobody wants to work, and it is important to be able to compete with excuses like, ‘I have done army service…I have been called up for three months…they are taking people out of retirement.’ This is how I write, because this is how I think. Everything is comes together at some point, but enjoy the rants and the side points, for it is the side points that are the truest thoughts I may share about Aliyah. And this book might not come together at all.

If you want to skip the introduction, do it now. It is long. I don’t want to frustrate you. I think it is brilliant and philosophical, but you want to read the book. So do it. Nobody is forcing you to stick in the roman numerals numbers. You can go to the real numbered pages; if it will make you feel like you are accomplishing more. Did you really finish the book if you didn’t read the introduction? I don’t know. You have to decide that. Maybe ask a friend what they think. Are you a quitter? I don’t know. Maybe you are and you are denying it. Are Roman numerals also numbers? Yes. They are just harder to write once you get past 7 or ‘v’ and two ‘i’s. I am going to get back to the philosophy of the explanation for the explanations in the story, or rant, or advice, or whatever this book about Aliyah is- The Manifesto.
The whole story would also include the restaurants I ate in. Though this is my book, I do not feel the need to give you every detail. I am not that egotistical. I know the details and they are not exciting. If I leave the details vague, you can imagine an exciting life, which I have, which is better than yours. The details that are shared are the emotions and a few of the experiences experienced before and during my first few years of Aliyah.
We all know how annoying it is to have to sit at a dinner with a detail talker, ‘I was born in 1935. It was a good year…They gave me a birth certificate. It had my date of birth…My mom’s name…she was a good woman. She raised me…I then went to…I didn’t know, I was only one month old…’ This story is going to take a long time. I know how documents work. We asked you how the grandkids are. Just answer the question! That is why I made it a point to leave out some details. Nonetheless, I didn’t leave out many.

I will take you through the truth. I will not be selling Israel as a fun place. Israel is colorful and if you love life, then you might want to think about Aliyah. If you love people getting angry at you, then you might want to make Aliyah. If you love relaxation and stuff that makes sense, stay in America.

If it seems like I hate it, but that is why I am here. I like to complain. What you think I hate, is what I am connected with and love the most. I complain about what I love. I love Israel and the disorganized beauty.  The same way my parents discuss me, because they love me. It is love that allows my parents to express the pride they have in me with words like ‘you suck.’
There will be an audio recording attached for those of you reading this book with no comedic timing.
I miss community and my life in America.  You don’t make Aliyah because life is better. It is different.
In a time where people are moving to the land of their ancestry, I did it. It was between Israel and Far Rockaway, New York. It has nothing to do with trying to move away from family. I love my family and miss them. I miss being able to be at all the life cycle events, even if I do live in Israel and I cannot afford the gifts. I miss having people screaming at me. I need that warmth in my life. Being that I am single I do not feel the intimacy I need in my life. There have been some moments of intimacy. I dated an Israeli woman recently and she started reprimanding me on the first date. I was so excited, ‘This means I am in a relationship.’ Then she kept on yelling at me on the second and third date. By the fourth date, I realized that she wasn’t screaming at me with the same kind of love I get from the guy at the shuk- who I am now in a relationship with. I purchase my cucumbers from him and not her. And yes, the guy in the shuk is still screaming, because he cares about his sunflower seeds, unlike some.
Given, I do feel a lot of love when the guy at the makolet /bodega and my neighbors scream at me for not being them. I should throw out the trash they leave in the hallway.

The realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down ‘David- why are you watching TV, it is 3am?’ Because I can! I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to respond was ‘I am old enough- I can do things I want, I can eat a hamburger right now. Hell, I am making Aliyah.’
My Aliyah is about love and family and true search for what is important in this world. Connection to my people and where I belong. No matter how painful it is to be an immigrant- which I am. It is the fact that I am old enough. It is time to make decisions that will be detrimental. Time to make life meaningful and I hope I am on that path… as many have dreamed and many are fulfilling. I have to be in Israel. I have no choice. I did university and there is something inside of me that says that it should not have been that expensive.
My parents did not make a mistake or raise me wrong. They raised me Jewish. And yes, this is my manifesto. This is my message to all.

The audience for this book: you! moving to Israel, and you! anti-Semitic self-hating Jew not moving to Israel, and you! non-Jews who are going to hell unless you buy this book and support the holy writings of David Kilimnick. If you are one of those people who like to fight people giving orders, buy it if you want to.

It is The Aliyah Story, because we all had it in our own way. All of us who have moved to Israel have had our internal fight as to the price we should be paying for the cucumbers in the shuk/market. All of us have had our internal debate as to whether or not we should just take the TV, even though it is crooked, because the guy that installed it said it is not crooked; sitting right next to the washing machine in the living room, because the guy didn’t want to go through the hassle of installing it in the bathroom and said that it looks just fine next to the Picasso, if we just cover it with a cloth. All of us have flown ELAL, and like Aliyah, I shall not disguise it with cloth. Cloth being  the metaphor.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.