The Aliyah Manifesto: Introduction #2

I have more to say

You will misunderstand what I write and think I am ‘anti,’ ‘anti’ everything. You are wrong. Read between the lines; there is a lot of positive sentiment there. They are just not written. This is a manifesto about a society I love. As love has taught me, as shared to me by my parents and shared to them by their parents, true love can only be expressed through ridicule. If I am complaining, that is because I love it. There will be complaining. There it is, the first thing I have repeated.
OK. You know something. Take offense. You are so touchy feely. Calm down and do something with your life, instead of trying to pretend like you feel bad for everybody else. They don’t even feel bad, so enjoy making fun of them. ‘Oh, I can’t believe it. Somebody has an opinion.’ Yes, B”H (for those of you Jewish and religious and frum- five percent of the people reading this), finally somebody cares about something enough to talk honestly about it, you careless person who doesn’t understand that people move to Israel because it is colorful. It isn’t perfect, but I, the Anglo, am trying to make it more like an ancient Germanic tribal culture. If you are angry at me for my love of Israel and this book that will probably help more people in their Aliyah and help people decide to make that move to a country ever trying to be better- which keeps on making it worse in its attempts, please protest. Please complain about the book. That is called advertisement.
The truth is raw.

Let me begin by saying that Aliyah is not for people from the USA. Aliyah is for people from 3rd world countries and France. They figured, ‘People in France want to kill us, because we are Jewish. Let’s move to the Middle East… A lot safer.’ You do what you have to do for safety. And that was irony, so please read between the lines. If you didn’t get that, then this book is going to be hard. Relax with the book and see what is being said, by letting it speak to you. I am a bad writer, but the thoughts are there, and it can be really funny if you like typos. So develop a sense of humor. I am not saying that was the greatest joke you will ever read. However, there should be more laughs for you in this book.
Truth is that I made Aliyah because I was from Rochester, NY. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I figured. I can move to Jerusalem and live with Americans. Or, I can move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. What is an Israeli, I don’t know. There are so many different societies that have moved to Israel over the years. The only way I can describe an Israelis are, ‘people Olim complain about when they move to Israel.’ They can also be described as ‘people who moved away from Israel and started a moving business, and then started selling Dead Sea lotions in a mall.’ There are many more reasons taken into account in Aliyah, and we will get into them. One other major reason I moved to Israel is, Rochester’s company, Kodak, has not been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming it on the Jews.
As you go through the book, I want you to count how many different reasons I give for my Aliyah. Kind of like a Highlights exercise. I love those books, they are entertaining and it is always more educational when there is an exercise involved. Since third grade, I have not had as many exciting experiences as I had finding stuff in a magazine, that isn’t Waldo.
It is amazing how the reasons change from year to year, activity to activity, page to page. I made Aliyah before Obama became president. Thus, I have different reasons.

To my dear reader, no matter who you are, you will walk away enlightened as to the inner workings of Israeli society, phrases, and educated as to the views of a new immigrant. The one great difference between the Oleh immigrant to Israel and an immigrant to any other country is that once the Oleh debarks the plan, the Oleh feels they have the right to complain. And we do have the right to complain, because we moved here for a better spiritual life and worse financial life. And we the people from the first world countries know better. And we love telling everybody we know better; we come from the land that created cable television, fast food, hula hips and nuclear weaponry. We have the right to complain and that is the beauty. We are moving home. And at home you can complain. An immigrant from Mexico to the US may not complain. They have the right to work, if it is not reported. What kind of immigrant has the chutzpe to think they can come someplace and then tell them how to run it? The immigrant who is coming back home.

Do not worry, no research has been done for this book. No quotes. For the concerned, this book is extremely non-educational.

And if any of you crazy Olim who were inspired by the supernatural to make Aliyah, or come from a third world country  and love the fact that milk comes straight from a bag so that you don’t have to see the cow while drinking it, get mad at me for sounding anti-Israel- I am not. I am living here, so go ‘Titchadesh yourself.’ If you haven’t moved here yet, I will say it- move here. Yes, I will be that person who hounds you on your next visit, ‘Are you staying? Are you staying?…’ I will ask it more than twice. You don’t just visit Israel, you come and think about staying. That is how we welcome visitors. We make them feel very uncomfortable for not giving up their lives overseas. When you visit Israel, it is not a vacation. When you visit Israel, it is a chance for you to feel like less of a Jew for living in a society where shopping is easy. More reasons for Aliyah already?! For you? OK. Free education, free healthcare, no Israelis. Yes, the people you complain about are just not Americans, but they are not Israelis. Maybe some are. But most have moved to LA.

If I repeat myself in this book, it is because I spent many years in Yeshiva and the concept of Chazara/repetition in learning is very important. I want you to remember what I write, because it is important. It is also because of bad editing and good negative emotions coming out in rant form, more than once, which makes me feel real good. I am getting a load off my back.
I should not be editing my own work. My English writing skills are quite poor. That is what they told me at Yeshiva University. That is how bad my skills were; even Yeshiva University thought they were bad. I blame it on my high school. I blame everything on my high school. It makes life a lot easier to have something to blame it on. It is this poor writing and communicating which is the reason why I moved to Israel. Now, I still have a hard time interacting with people; I still can’t communicate effectively in English, and I still have not learned Russian. We’ll use that Russian Oleh joke genre a few more times in this book. Maybe we’ll even mask it with French. I will tell you this, I am sick of people asking me why I haven’t moved to Israel yet. I live in Jerusalem and that should count for something.

And you religious guys, enjoy the book. I will get you the rabbi letters if you need. If I am running short on pages, I will put the haskamot (letters of approval) in the book, to make it longer.

When I made Aliyah, I took my mishpuchi/family with me. All the mishpuchi who never made it to Israel. All the mishpuchi who prayed every day for the redemption, so they could enter Israel. All the family that is still in the diaspora, watching a Jewish Nation rise again. They are all with me. This is all figurative and metaphysical talk. I did not take my parents with me, and many of my siblings still reside in the US of A. It is important that I have my share of financial backing. You are with me at heart. I love you and I am looking forward to the next time you bring me a laptop. I understand it is hard to smuggle in desktops and I am sorry for that time you got held up at customs.

To quote Begin in a misquoted way. As I read at the Begin Museum, ‘No, no I will not return to you Brisk…but you are with me in all that I do.’ How right! And I am going to quote this a few more times, so you and me understand what it means. 

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.