The Aliyah Manifesto: Security & Travel

‘Security & Security Guards & Scary Stuff’
More scary parts to traveling

I respect terrorists, because they don’t discriminate. They don’t care who they kill. They just go in and say, ‘Whoever is here, that is my job today.’ What is your ethnicity? They don’t ask that question, because it is offensive. They are dedicated to their work. They are very committed employees. Are you going to get a raise? Not a question they can always answer. Is there are bomb on me? That they can answer. And that is why airport security is there to ask.
Thank you to these good friends of ours (some people call them terrorists- I call them people without a good financial plan for the future) I cannot go to an airport like a normal person anymore. Security is everywhere. I have to show up 2 hours earlier, to have my bags checked. I cannot take pictures with my family before they leave me. I cannot cut into the first class bag section; which also used to take off 10 or so minutes from my travel time. It is enough. You time thieves have stolen enough of my relaxation time in Duty Free. You are time terrorists. It is time you stopped blowing things up. I can’t take anything on the plane anymore, because of all of you people who do not have good cable TV access.
I can’t take anything on flights anymore; can’t take sizzers, clippers, explosives. Can barely take any of my luggage. They have to check everything, and sometimes, that is embarrassing. So what if I can’t afford Calvin Klein undergarments. I like Fruit of The Loom. Now I am in a stick up every time I go through security, with my hands up in a machine which is probably taking off a day of life- another terrorist tactic. If you are a terrorist, you have done your job, you can stop. And then there are the PSA shoe thieves. If so, then why are you all making me take them off? Yes, the security people are taking this security thing a little too seriously. I can barely travel with anything I need. Last time I got on a flight, I had to drink my contact solution. The guards are screaming, ‘Don’t let him on the flight. He’s got water…He might hydrate…He’s going to get off the plane, he’s not going to be thirsty…Terrorists never get thirsty…camel blew himself up.’
I have not said who the terrorists are. So if you are thinking ‘This guy is prejudice and racist…’, then you might want to re-ask that question of who is prejudice my liberal friends. The only defining factor of a terrorist is bad cable TV access.
Security has an important job. It is important for all tourists in Israel to be thirsty. If the tourists came hydrated, the tour guides would’t have anything to say. You would have frustrated quick tours at Mizpe Ramon with an angry tour guide complaining, ‘Here’s a crater. You already drank, so what do you need me for?’ Tour guides study ‘everybody take a drink, it is hot outside and there are no public bathrooms’ for two years and you people who think it is fine to bring water on a plane are taking away their business.
They always say the problem on flights is terrorists. I don’t know when other people flew last. The last flight I was on, I was watching Pokemon. After around 12 hours of watching Pokemon, Ice Princess and Bob The Builder, I wanted to blow up the plane. Why not give us better inflight entertainment. That might stop terrorism. Show the terrorists a movie like True Lies, and I am sure they will be riveted. They are bored. That is what you do when you have no cable. If we supplied them with some good modern technology, other than the belt, they would also be indifferent about life.
Truth is that I would take any kind of flight. If it is cheaper, I am taking the deal. No security, that is OK. I am saving money. With all the new bag charges, I can’t afford the flight amenities. I can afford to bring myself to America, but I have to backpack it. I end up backpacking New York City. I have to make sure every home I go to has a washing machine. That is the hardest part about backpacking and roughing it; I don’t hand wash and a lot of my friends don’t have beds that are as comfortable as mine. And then they get mad at me for putting up a wash every night. Sorry if I separate my whites and my darks.
I’ll save the money on the new clothes in the US, but how do I get them back? It looks really bad when they are yelling at me because my duffle bag doesn’t fit into the example size of a carry-on or the overhead bin. ‘If you take out all the clothes and fold it up it does!’
I will take any deal. If it is cheaper, I’ll fly Alkaida Airlines. You can put me in suicide class. If I am saving, I will take my chances. I didn’t like their slogan, ‘Alkaida, we’ll almost get you there.’ That is probably the worst slogan I have ever heard. Kind of a little bit of a turn off. I like dependability.
As scared as I may feel and as annoyed as I may be, I give credit to the airport security guards. At least the security guards in the airport seem to be doing something. With all the political problems today, that makes me feel much more secure. The security guards I know in the malls and grocery stores do absolutely nothing. It seems like they are a continuation of the communist ideal of ‘give everybody a job.’ I am for the capitalist ideal of half the people laid off and the other half vacationing. Israel employs half of its citizens as security guards. The guy outside my grocery store sits there with a Walkman and a newspaper. It would be nice if somebody gave the homeless man an MP3 player, or at least disc player. What bothers me even more is the security guard is also sitting there with a newspaper and an MP3 player. It is as if he is working on his alibi. The police showed up and he was arguing on his behalf, ‘I didn’t see or hear anything. You can ask the people who came in; I did not check anybody’s bag.’
The guy in the underground parking lot is just checking to make sure the trunk works. I didn’t feel safer when he put down my trunk and started giving some advice, ‘It is a bit sticky. You might want to use some WD-40. Oil might also work.’ Then I overhear the other guy yelling at the driver next to me, ‘You have a gun?..OK, just use it inside. And take care of that filth in your back seat.’
Check the bags! Check them even if it is a purse! That is your job! You are security! If they say they have a gun that is the time to stop them and not let them in! Why are you asking if they have a gun if you are not going to stop them from going inside with it?!
Now I did Shmira, guard duty, so I understand that it is hard to sit there for 4 hours in the same spot, trying to get in 2 movies on the laptop. And then you have to keep rewinding the film, because all the people want you to check them. That was really bad. People were asking me to check their bags. It is bad work ethic when the other people are asking you to do your work, even though they hate it. I wasn’t doing anything. In their minds, it was helping. It comforted them to see me checking them. They were delusional. I checked nobody. I am also pretty sure that the security company I called when the guy broke into that lady’s home, who I let in, also didn’t show up. I let him in, because he didn’t ask me to check him. He looked scary and I didn’t want to get involved. If I got in his way, he was going to get mad. I have a social work degree and he probably knew how to use my gun better than I. He didn’t look like he wanted a conversation about how he felt. It was clear that he was not happy. If he would have asked me to check him, then I would have. But I was scared. I am sure these security immigrants in Israel are too. But that is why we are there. It is comforting to know that somebody is enjoying good television. At least they know I am being entertained and that is one less terrorist.
So, I do like seeing security guards who look like they are doing something, without a graduate degree. I don’t like seeing people at security who have a graduate degree, but don’t speak Hebrew. That was me, and that is not safety.
I don’t feel safe, especially at the checkpoints, when I know that the way to get through security is to say ‘Shalom’ with my American accent. They have never checked me. Maybe they understand that the only people in the world that cannot adopt another accent other than that of their native land are Americans. Maybe security knows that everybody that doesn’t sound American is a terrorist.
For crying out loud, which I find very therapeutic, check a woman’s bag every once in a while.

Yes, to answer your question, I am scared of what my arab neighbors might do because of the political situation. That is a true feeling and I know it is offensive to have feelings. I know I am not supposed to be honest: honesty causes dialogue and dialogue leads to understanding and that might lead to conversation and even caring. If I am being honest, I am also scared of what my neighbor might do if I move my chair after 10pm. You never know what might happen. It is the ‘I don’t know’ factor which scares me.
The ‘I don’t know’ factor leads to some of the funnest games in Israel. The Kippah game is very fun. It should only be played by ages 18 and up. The idea is to drive your car into Ramallah or any area where you might be scared, as far as you can, with your yarmulkas on. This has to be done without your hat. You cannot use the Jewish undercover thing. Without a yarmulke and no ID showing you are American or Jewish and no American accent, nothing is scary. Women can play this too; borrow a yarmulka from a friend, or buy one at the gift shop (they always have the yarmulkes for the tourists and BBC staff). The first person to take off their yarmulke loses. It takes five minutes to learn the game, but a lifetime to master.
It is scary, because everything is political or religious. I had movers that were arab and they were good at the work they were doing. They were also pleasant when it came to talking with them. However, when they were moving the fridge, there was a lot of chuching/חחing and cursing coming out from the guy under the fridge; words of, ‘The Jewish oppressors, making me carry a fridge. Occupying our freezers.’ It was his job to move the fridge, but the climate of the politics sometimes gets in the way of labor. Chuching is the way people in the Middle East curse.
You may now be thinking, ‘I am American and everybody is the same.’ That is almost true; almost everybody in America is the same. I am sorry that I am offending your goals of a world where everybody is American. I understand you have no personality and only hate people that care about something. I want peace and I want people to be able to live their moral lives. Sorry for using the word moral, I know that means that there might be something right and a truth. I did not mean to offend anybody by suggesting that people should be accountable for their actions. I know that means that there might be a Gd and that would lead to more anti-Semitism. Yes I am religious. As you can see I spell Gd’s name ‘G’ ‘D,’ and no religious person has good grammer.
I don’t want everybody to be the same. I want there to be difference in the world. I am sorry if it offends you that I have a belief. Otherwise, why would I be in Israel if it wasn’t for the women? Even though it may offend you, I like difference, I like uniqueness and I like getting through security real fast because I don’t sound like I am from the Middle East.
What we see from here is that the only defining aspect of a terrorist is bad cable television.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.