The Best of the Best Blog in the World!

Yes, that’s correct. Mine is the best blog in Tel Aviv, the best in all Israel, the best in the Middle East, Europe, Asia, Australia, including New Zealand and all of those other littler islands in the Pacific, South & North America, and, yes, Antarctica. 

How do I know?  Because I do. Ipso facto.  (If you don’t know French, that means it’s true, because I say so.) Anyone who disagrees is a know-nothing, political hack. Probably also an anti-semite, even a Nazi, if you scratch below the surface.

So, goes my education as an American who has recently become an Israeli citizen. If what I’m talking about isn’t obvious to you, I’ll break things down step by step.

FAKE NEWS IS TRUE

As anyone who reads Twitter and Facebook knows, substantiated facts, rigorously researched scientific data, and anything your teachers and parents may have told you is hogwash. People who rely on such sources, together with the so-called mainstream media, are losers. Make that BIG TIME LOSERS.

True-blooded Americans understand this. If you’re American, and you don’t, then you’re probably a horse’s !%$ who traces your family’s bloodlines to leeches and vampires.

Having lived in Tel Aviv for almost two months now, I know that all true-blooded Israelis understand that fake news rules.

Back in 2015, when Benjamin Netanyahu warned that his right-wing government was in danger because of Arab Israeli citizens moving to the ballot boxes in droves, with the help of left-wing organizations busing them in, he won another term as prime minister. Okay, Bibi didn’t call them rapists, like his best bud Donny did of Mexican migrants in the 2016 US presidential election, but who cares about nuance? He scared and pissed off enough people to win.

THE BEST OF THE BEST

If you think that Israelis adore our man in the White House, because: 1) He recognized Jerusalem as our capital; 2) He believes Israel has the right to build new houses on disputed land the same way he can build his towers wherever he dang well pleases, and 3) He’s been VERY TOUGH on the Iranians, you’re missing the bigger picture.  

The real reason Israelis are nuts about DT is because he talks their language. I realized this soon after my wife and I settled in Tel Aviv. We love our apartment building and think location is terrific. But is ours the best housing complex in the entire city, as one of my older neighbors told me in our lobby?  Is its exercise room the best of the best, as a dude said, while I was curling dumbbells beside him? 

Of course, I know this kind of talk is only a manner of speaking. We’re supposed to take such sales pitches with a grain of salt. 

What’s more, I tend to cut my fellow Israeli citizens some slack on all the bluster in appreciation of how, over the past 70 year, they’ve built a modern democratic nation, however flawed, with a powerful army and a thriving economy. A tiny country with no vast oil reserves, but more than a dozen neighbors who consider themselves its sworn enemy, Israel has earned the right to talk big. 

Nevertheless, when Israeli voters buy bull$!%# as gospel, accept their leaders’ thuggish behavior as business as usual, and vote out of hate and fear, we’re treading on dangerous territory, amigos. 

But never mind. Kol yihiyeh besder.  Everything is going to be fine, as we say in the Land. 

And, now, I will close this best of the best blog with a fact that will amaze you and astound your friends. Like Jesus Christ himself, I can walk on water.

Don’t believe me?  Watch this