The complete idiot’s guide to MidEast peace (part 39)

Conversation with the Supreme Being.

Man: Hello SB, how are you today?

SB: Same as always, good days and bad. And you? How’s it hanging?

Man: Well, you know. Mostly shrivelled and to the left; it depends on the time of year and suchlike.

SB: Tell me about it.

Man: Actually I wanted some clarification on a certain matter. Could you see your way clear to advising me on this?

SB: Sure. I’m all-knowing, omnipotent and I’ve been ‘advising’ people for what seems like forever. Not that they take much notice these days, not unless it’s all done in a heavy-handed fashion, lots of fire and brimstone about the place. Very unsophisticated but sometimes it’s the only way to get their undivided attention and, while that lasts, the technique can be quite effective.

Man: Well, the thing is this. Do you, or do you not, support one side or the other on the matter of just who is entitled to what in the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian dispute? That’s this deadly conflict that’s been around now for nearly seven decades and still shows no sign of coming to an end anytime soon.

SB: Who said I was on anyone’s side?

Man: The Jews seem to think you’re on theirs. There are all those references in the Bible to the Chosen People, the Promised Land, the exodus from Egypt and that long journey into what is now modern-day Israel. So much of it is prophetic stuff and places you very much in their corner as it were. Then there are the Muslims, many of whom hold to a very different narrative. They regard the Jews as foreign interlopers and even worse, invaders forcibly stamping their presence on what was Arab ancestral territory, a policy perceived as being much to the detriment of previous residents. Indeed, some interpretations of their Holy Scriptures command that Jews be thrown into the sea and generally done away with en masse, using whatever means conveniently comes to hand. All this divine instruction has had extremely dire consequences and so knowing how you stand on the issues at this moment in time might move us all some considerable distance towards their eventual resolution.

SB: So much of that ‘ prophetic stuff ‘ gets garbled in transmission, lost in translation and generally mucked about with in all manner of ways. Quite amazing that any of it survives intact and still remains just as relevant as ever, right up even to the present day.

Man: Point taken but you still haven’t answered the question.

SB:  Well, it’s like this. I’ve given up on choosing sides. As you say, it’s caused too many problems in the past and so I decided that an upgraded and more streamlined system was needed. Constantly deciding on who should be rewarded or punished for their life lived on Earth was giving me terrible headaches. Too many factors to consider, just computing the variables alone was really hard graft and then there was all that paperwork to process.

So now, everyone gets an automatic free pass into the hereafter, no favourites, no special cases, no preferential treatment.  But this happens only if humanity as a whole can someday demonstrate that they are deserving of this new arrangement. And, up until now, that day has not yet dawned.

Man: Will it ever arrive?

SB:  Let’s hope so. Because going back to the old methods could mean having to deal with a backlog of lifestyle judgements so vast that even eternity itself might not be long enough to clear it.

Man: Then I guess all that’s left is to say is goodbye and thanks for the heads-up, SB. Good talking to you and I’ll relay your new entry policy to everyone else. Food for thought there and much to consider.

www.laxiankey.com – ‘ for those of us with better things to do.’

With this new arrangement in place. there may indeed be hope for us all.