The New Prophets: God Has a Wicked Sense of Humor

The first chapter of a short novel based on experiences during a year of schizophrenic psychosis in Jerusalem. God has a wicked sense of humor and knows how to get a point across without parting the sea. Trust me. I talked to him for a year. They’d put me in herem for this if I was someone. Most I’ve shown this to laugh out loud as they read. Hopefully some will anger. Challenge what it means to understand God.  Ask if you can imagine his voice as anything for he is infinite. I may be secular but he is infinite.

The New Prophets

Ch. 1: Prophets are Just Like You and Me. So is God.

Modern day, Jerusalem, Israel 7:58 PM.

Yossi

Yossi, 34 and secular, was laying in bed masturbating.

“I’m watching you,” God said to him.

“I told you I don’t like you doing that when I watch you.”

Yossi raised his arms to the ceiling and yelled out, “You’ve been doing this to me for years already! Why won’t you leave me alone!”

“I’ve been telling you since you were 13, if you start keeping Shabbat I’ll stop watching you when you touch yourself. But I know you won’t keep Shabbat so that’s my deal. I love you very much, Yossi. Yossi, my favorite little creation,” God said. “Yossi, something very big is about to happen.”

Yossi put a pillow over his head and screamed.

Leah

Leah, 28 and a vegetarian, was shopping for food and depressed. She’d broken up with another boyfriend, the 18th in four years. Years earlier she’d compiled a list of the positive qualities she wanted in a man and negative characteristics she couldn’t stand, and she amended it all the time. She couldn’t find a man who met her criteria for the perfect husband. She stood in the supermarket aisle holding a box of cookies.

“Those will make you fat my sweet little Leah,” God said.

Her face contorted in anger and she whispered, looking at the cookies on the shelf,

“God, for ten years you’ve been telling me every time I eat anything at all that it will make me fat. You know this isn’t true! When will you do something helpful for once and bring me the right man?”

There was a moment of silence. “Leah,” God said, “there is no such thing as the perfect man. You should throw your list away. Now go to the meat section. I want you to buy me a whole chicken and cook it at home as a sacrifice to me. I don’t have a Temple anymore so you must sacrifice the chicken in your kitchen.”

She threw the cookie box into her basket and stomped on the floor.

“I tell you this every day, God, I am a vegetarian and will not make an animal sacrifice to you!”

“I love you my sweet little Leah,” God said.

“Then start being supportive of me!” she whispered in plea.

“Leah, my favorite little creation” God said, “something very big is about to happen.”

Mickey

Mickey, 41 and secular, was drinking at his regular bar, hoping his drug dealer would arrive. He sipped his beer and played with a lighter.

“God,” he said into his glass, “it’d be nice if I could get some coke tonight – if you could make sure my dealer shows up. I don’t ask you for much, you know.” He placed his beer on the bar.

“God talking to you again?” Benny asked from the stool next to him.

“No. I was asking him for something,” Mickey answered.

“Mickey my little boy,” God said, “your dealer will arrive any moment. But right now you have to sneeze.”

“I have to what?” Mickey said, and then he nearly froze in place, his head moving back and then forward quickly as he sneezed. Afterwards he tried to breathe through his nose but his nostrils were clogged. “What is this! You’re clogging my nose! Again!”

“A little miracle,” God said to him. “I’m afraid if you do too much coke you’ll spend yet another night telling everyone at the bar about how I’ve been talking to you all these years. You don’t need to tell them tonight. Tonight they will believe you. You can do your coke tomorrow.”

“But I have to work tomorrow, and you already know that!”

“Yes, Mickey, I know. I know everything. I even know about the time you texted a picture of your penis to that girl you were dating when you were high out of your mind and I know about how she showed it to all her friends. She was a good match for you, I worked very hard arranging that,” God said.

“Why do you always remind me of that picture?! That was three years ago!” Mickey yelled.

“Now God’s talking to you?” Benny asked.

“Yes, Benny! Now God’s talking to me, like he always does!” Mickey yelled.

Benny smiled. “Ask him for winning lottery numbers,” Benny said.

“Mickey,” God said, “tell Benny to ask the doctor why he has pain urinating since he spent the night with that girl last week.”

“Benny, God says to ask your doctor why it hurts when you piss ever since you fucked that girl last week,” Mickey said.

Benny went white with horror. “How do you know that? How do you always know these things? Last week you even knew about my hemorrhoids before I came into the bar!”

“Because,” Mickey said, “God tells me. I don’t know things unless he tells me.” Mickey’s dealer walked into the bar and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Mickey, my strongest little reserve infantry soldier,” God said, “I love you more than anyone in the world.” Mickey’s shoulders slumped. “I give up,” he said.

“Don’t give up yet Mickey, my favorite little creation,” God said. “Mickey, something very big is about to happen.”

Ahmed

Ahmed, 28, was listening to an imam give a lecture at his neighborhood mosque. The imam was telling a story.

“Mohammad, peace be upon him, once said,” but Ahmed couldn’t hear the imam continue as God spoke to him.

“Don’t worry about the story, my little Ahmed,” God said, “Mohammed, peace be upon him, never said what the imam is saying. That particular story is all made up.”

Ahmed closed his eyes and inhaled deeply and he lowered his head.

“Ahmed, my strong, brave, Allah-loving Ahmed who always tries to please Allah, I’ve been telling you every time you enter a mosque for over five years now, your family converted to Islam under the Ottomans. You are actually one of my very favorite little Jews, Ahmed.”

Ahmed breathed deeply then whispered, “There is no God but Allah and,” but God interrupted him.

“- and Moshe was his prophet,” God said.

Ahmed wanted to cry. “Why, Allah, why?” Ahmed whispered.

“Ahmed, I keep telling you, you must call the Shin Bet man whose number I gave you and tell him you have a message from Allah and say you are actually a Jewish prophet. I’ve been telling you this every day for years now.”

Ahmed was still.

God continued. “Ahmed, my favorite little Muslim who’s actually a Jew who goes to the mosque every day and loves Allah so very, very much,” God said, “oh, Ahmed, my favorite little creation, please don’t worry. It won’t be much longer now. Ahmed, my favorite little creation, something very big is about to happen.”

Ahmed waited a moment and whispered, “Allah give me strength.”

“Ahmed,” God said, “You have no idea how much Allah loves you.”

Israel, 8:00 PM

God Speaks to Everyone for the First Time Since Mt. Sinai

The evening news was broadcast on television sets across the country. “Tonight on the news,” the Channel 2 anchor said, “the IDF sends troops to reinforce the Gaza border as -” and at that very moment she stopped speaking as she and every single Jew in the state of Israel heard the same, deep voice that somehow silenced all other noise around them.

“Hello. Do not be afraid. I am who I am. I am God,” the voice calmly said. “I am speaking to every single one of my Jewish children in Israel. I want you all to know that I am. From prisoner to garbage man to the prime minister, every single soldier, police officer, doctor, security forces member and member of Knesset, as well as the anchor on Channel 2 news, every single Jew in Israel is hearing me, the God of all creation, speak. I want you all to know I love you all and that I have some very special children among you. Living in Israel today are my very favorite prophets of all time and I do and will tell them whatever I want about anything I want and no one can stop me. I can tell them anything about anyone or any place, so if they have something to say, please listen. I can even tell them about how my very favorite creation, the Channel 2 news anchor, went to a sex toy store in Tel Aviv yesterday and purchased a new vibrator because she isn’t satisfied. But she hasn’t used it yet. Oh, my pretty little news anchor,” God said, “the vibrator you bought was made with cheap plastic and was treated with a chemical and if you use it you will develop an irritation and infection in the vagina I made for you. Please return it to the store for a higher quality product. When you return it ask for Yael and she will tell you which of the vibrators is the highest quality and won’t hurt the vagina I made for you. Yael is my favorite little creation in the universe who sells dildos and vibrators.” The anchor turned red. “I can tell my prophets anything. They are very, very special. Treat them kindly. There are many of them. I hope you listen to them if they have something to tell you. Now ask someone near you if they also heard the God of all creation talking. If you’re alone just watch the Channel 2 news or text someone. If you don’t ask or text someone if they heard God you will hear me saying everything I just said over and over forever and all until you die until you finally ask someone. Now I’m going to say something to my favorite little creation at Channel 2 news. I’m going to tell her what I’ll tell every Jew in Israel about something she did last month that she very much enjoyed and I saw every moment of it so I know she enjoyed it, but I won’t tell every Jew in Israel if she asks on live television if anyone else heard me speaking.”

Then it was quiet and the anchor’s head went slightly down and tilted and her eyes went wide as her jaw dropped. Within two seconds and without any hesitation she said, “Has anyone else heard God speaking? I just heard God tell every Jew in Israel he has prophets.”

Across the country psychiatrists in mental hospitals were terrified and hoped the message would stop repeating. “I can hear God, just like you!” the patients were shouting at the doctors.

Two soldiers watching the border with Syria turned to each other. “You hear that?” one asked. “What a fucking cool God,” the other soldier said.

As soon as the message began repeating, fighter pilots in the air radioed each other. “Did you just hear God?”

The prime minister was meeting with the heads of his security and intelligence agencies. They were all silent and looked one another in the eye.

“Well,” the prime minister said, “did everyone just hear God tell us we have prophets again?” Everyone at the meeting was terrified.

About the Author
Greg Tepper moved to Israel in 1997 from the United States. He served in an IDF combat unit and completed approximately 15 years of reserve duty until he was discharged at 38. He used to write news for the Times of Israel and other publications and is now focusing on fiction inspired by his experiences in a schizophrenic psychosis in Jerusalem for the duration of a year.
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