The secret to my success

Thousands of people ask me what my secret is. Daily. How I’ve managed to get where I am today. I mean it’s not easy being a 36 year old minimum wage earning college graduate who lives with his mother in law. No, that takes a special skill. One that I’ve honed over the years. And one that I share (for a fee) when I go around the world on speaking tours. And motivational graduation speeches for online universities. So grab a pen and a paper. Or not. Because let’s face it. Successful people like us never write this shit down.

1. Always carry a briefcase. This is a very important step to becoming successful. But what most people don’t know is what the contents of the briefcase should be. A book? Maybe some work folders? An apple? Fuck no. If you guessed “nothing but a bag of five or six marshmallows” you’re well on your way to success. See diagram below. And when you walk into a mall, shopping center or bank in this country and the surly security guard gives you the “WTF? Marshmallows?” look. Wink at him. Knowingly. And hand him a printed copy of this blog. But with big font. And translated into Russian. And a marshmallow.

What you got in that case?

2. Sleep (deprive) your way to the top. The old adage of sleeping to the top is sooooo 80’s. In our fast paced world of Snapchat, JDate and Grinder (you know what it is) you need to show your bosses and supervisors that you’re burning the candle at both ends. Whenever they ask you how you’re doing just look at them with that dead zombie look. And tell them you were up all night. Don’t tell them that you were watching tranny midget porn. Just say “I finished that report you asked for.”

No Sleep Til Brooklyn

3. Proper eating habits. No, I’m not talking about a low carb high protein diet. Or cutting back on cholesterol. That’s some bush league amateur hour crap. I’m talking about bringing in your leftover broccoli and salmon from a few nights before. Or spicy wings. And microwaving it. For like three minutes. On high. And then eating at your cubicle. Ignore the nasty looks from olfactory assaulted colleagues. You’ll have a corner office to yourself in no time.

Don’t Judge me

4. Restart Your computer. Frequently. And bang your hand down on the keyboard every time. And yell something like “Mother fucker! I just lost that excel file I’d been working on for the last two hours!” And then go out to calm yourself by smoking a cigarette. In the hallway. Beneath the “No Smoking” sign. And then stay a few hours overtime “making up” for lost time. Email the excel sheet at two AM. And then refer to article number 2.

Smoking in the boys room.

5. Send out frequent emails to the IT department (or, if you’re working for a small company, your boss or that Russian guy named Sasha) with the following wording: “The upgrade you made to the server isn’t supported by my browser. Firefox (or Internet Explorer) doesn’t load data. Please advise.” It’s gonna take them a while to get around to looking at the email and depending on the efficiency of the IT department (or Sasha, the Russian guy) you’ll have between 1-3 hours to send out resumes on the internet. Or catch up on “Pretty Little Liars”.

I nyet break you.

6. Chocolate. Lots of it. In your desk drawer. And make sure all your co workers, especially the ladies, know you have them. And like Swiss clockwork, at around 14:00 (2 PM for you non-Israelis) you’ll be like a black tar heroin dealer outside an NA meeting. No one will every fire you. Ever. You’ll be too valuable to the company.

Johnny, Johnny come home

7. Dress the part. My mom always used to tell me to dress for my next job. And she also told me to get a college degree. And not to lie. Thanks mom! But all joking aside, the secret here is NOT to do laundry. For a few weeks. And when the only thing you have left is the suit from your wedding/bar mitzvah you rock that to work. And doing so will inevitably make your boss think you have an interview lined up. And as a result will make you an offer. A very lucrative offer. Just to keep a hard working guy like you in the company.

Looking good Mortimer.

8. A picture of your adorable son. As a screen saver on your desktop. And leave it open. So your boss thinks twice before firing you. You might be an incompetent bumbling douchebag but you’re somebody’s father. Or husband. Or cat owner. Or Uncle. And if you’re none of those then your life sucks and getting fired probably isn’t the worst thing going on for you.

Bitch, where’s my marshmallow?

9. The devil is in the details. So make flattering comments about your boss’s necklace. Or her shoes. Or earrings. Or if your boss is a man (Yeah right. That’ll be the day) tell him he’s lost weight. And ask him whether he’s still taking spinning classes. And whether he’s been doing more cardio lately. Because damn, he looks fit.

Joe

10. There’s no crying in baseball. But fuck me if crying in the office isn’t a national pastime. Cry often. Even if you don’t have a reason to. Especially if you don’t have a reason to. Especially if you are a man. A real man. Like me. Nobody will fire you. Matter of fact you’ll probably get the day off and a raise.

Big girls don’t cry

So congratulations. You have now achieved a corner office, a raise, and four to five hours of free “you” time during an average work day. With which you can finally wrap up your teen vampire novel series. Or learn how to make shakshouka. Or watch this hilarious video on YouTube:

And if you’re reading this and you also happen to be my boss, please bear in mind that this is satire. And yes, I have been genuinely sick for the past few days. And no, I have no idea how I contracted dysentery. But it is highly contagious.