Top 10 Random Moments in History

Yesterday, a man opened fire outside a synagogue in Copenhagen, the latest event in a wave of anti-Semitic violence in Europe. After the recent attack at a kosher market in Paris, President Barack Obama did not appear to connect the act to the Jewish nature of the customers, calling it a “bunch of violent, vicious zealots who behead people or randomly shoot a bunch of folks in a deli in Paris.”

Without further ado, here are the top 10 random moments in history:

10. Abraham Lincoln randomly releases from slavery a bunch of Southerners.

9.  Big, bad wolf randomly blows down houses of a bunch of mud-dwellers.

8.  Middle Eastern nation randomly attacked by a bunch of its neighbors after declaring independence.

7.  Western nation randomly drops nuclear bomb somewhere in the South Pacific.

6.  Jack the Ripper randomly thrusts knife in a bunch of directions outside his personal space.

5.  Former football player/movie star randomly kills a couple of people before running from police.

4.  Walter White randomly destroys a bunch of people’s lives.

3.  Egypt randomly hit by water, frogs, lice, wild animals, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and the smiting of a buttload of random males.

2.  Hannibal Lecter randomly eats a bunch of body parts that aren’t his own.

1.  President Clinton randomly puts his genitals in a bunch of places outside his pants.