Benji Lovitt
Because the Middle East is Funny

Top 12 Yom Kippur Apologies

With just hours to go before our fates are determined, the Times of Israel reveals the top 12 Yom Kippur apologies from the past year. May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life. #yk5776sorrynotsorry

12. The white-and-gold dress, for making us think it was black-and-blue

11. Ahmed Mohamed, for not just buying an Apple watch

10. Kim Kardashian’s butt, for breaking the internet

9. The Minnesota dentist, for not shooting Barney the dinosaur

8. The North Korean hackers, for making Jews have to watch yet another movie on Christmas

7. American chumus makers, for adding all that unnecessary crap

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Seriously, what the hell is that? Don’t make me barf while fasting.

6. Iran, for being too busy enriching uranium to wish death to more countries

5. Ashley Madison, for your wife realizing you weren’t at an insurance conference

4. Syrian cleaning ladies, for not dealing with their disgusting sand problem

3. George RR Martin’s psychiatrist, for taking him off his meds

2. The UN, for being the UN

and, finally….

1. Hamas, for feeding gluten to the Zionist spy dolphin

And looking forward….

Donald Trump, for everything he will do in 5776

Gmar chatima tova!

About the Author
Since making aliyah in 2006, Benji Lovitt has performed stand-up comedy and educational programs for groups including Jewish Federations, Chabads, synagogues, Masa Israel Journey, and Birthright Israel. His perspectives on aliyah and Israeli society have been featured on Israeli TV and radio and in publications such as USA Today, Time Magazine, the BBC, and more. Benji has worked as a cross-cultural trainer with groups including the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Masa Israel and is a popular presenter on the Limmud International circuit. During 2014's Operation Protective Edge, his humorous observations on the war led to his being called in Israel "the only reason to go on Facebook.”