Trump Learns About Tikkun Olam (Satire)

Donald opened his eyes, stretched his spine, and realized he was old. He knew this because the words that left his mouth were, “Thank you G-d for another day of life.”

Those were old people’s words. He thought he would never say them.  Those were religious words. Words about a deity he did not believe in. For G-d had never played a role in his life until that bullet whizzed by his ear and almost tore it off. Yes, something had changed.

Then Donald remembered two other words he had heard the night before at the Mar-a-Lago reception.

“Tikkun Olam.”

What did those two Hebrew words mean?

Donald picked up his phone and called one of his rabbi friends.

“Hello rabbi, Donald here. How are you doing this lovely morning?

Sorry to bother you on your day of rest but one of my Jew supporters mentioned two Hebrew words that I have never heard. He said if I embossed them on my gold sneakers, I would sell a whole bunch more of them to my Jewish supporters.”

“What were the two words?”

“I think they were Tikkun Olam.”

President Trump, you’re right they are Hebrew words. They translate to “repairing the world” or “mending the world.”

“Well, that supporter knows what I’m all about. I love keeping my golf courses in perfect shape. I have my gardeners, tend, mend, and repair them daily. I believe in protecting the environment on my fairways and greens.”

“Mr. President, I think your supporter also meant followers of Tikkun Olam are never racists, bigots or anti-Semites.”

“Well, I’m none of those things. I got a Jewish daughter and my grandkids are yids. So how can I be an anti-Semite?”

“Well, your supporter might have been talking about committing felonies, frauds, sexual batteries, and insurrections?”

Donald raised his voice and yelled, “That’s a bunch of crap. I never did any of those things. Just ask my MAGA buddies or watch Fox News. They know that all those charges against me are all lies. Lies that were all drummed up by the Democrats.”

“Donald, calm down. Followers of Tikkun Olam speak calm kind words. They don’t yell like a bully.”

“Rabbi that’s great news for me. I’m the kindest guy in America. I don’t have a selfish bone in my body. But rabbi, before I hang up, I have two more questions for you. The first one is, since I’m not a member of your tribe do I have to practice Tikkun Olam?”

“Well, no but it couldn’t hurt. Why don’t you give it a try? And what’s your other question?”

“Rabbi, do you think I would sell more sneakers to Jews if I embossed them with the words “Tikkun Olam?”

The rabbi smiled, realizing his words had whizzed by the former president’s ears and he said, “Donald, I’m not sure but it couldn’t hurt.”