Urgent Mission: Stop Israeli Doctors

Attention liberals! Hearken peace-lovers, human rights advocates, aspiring hipsters, ninety-ninety percenters, and trendy kafia wearers everywhere! I shudder to tell you the newest threat to freedom; the most recent setback in our struggle to bring peace and love to all humanity.

Of course, anyone who follows the UN Human Rights Counsel probably has a suspicion of which country is responsible for this latest atrocity. After all, over 40% of country-related resolutions and one-third of special sessions have targeted one state alone. You guessed it, this “cancer cell that…must be removed” (Ahmadinejad, 2011) is no other than the murderous, venomous, and downright bloodthirsty State of Israel. Its crime is a new low: Israeli doctors treating Syrian refugees.

Let me give you a moment to catch your breath. Some things are almost too difficult to publish, but the world must know of the Zionist entity’s newest atrocity. Medical humanitarianism is a heinous crime, but that doesn’t excuse us from taking action. Petitions must circulate! Benefit concerts must be held! Grab your iPhones, we’ll have a protest! We must stop Benjamin Netanyahu and his bloodthirsty gang of Jewish doctors before things get worse.

But wait,” I can hear you thinking. “Israeli doctors helping Syrian refugees sounds like a good thing. Isn’t that (pause for dramatic effect) human rights?” While I hope that any one of you is smart enough to see through the Zionists’ grand schemes, I’ll explain it for the sake of anyone who’s confused (although hopefully most people stopped reading this article after learning that Israel did something bad).

Any experienced critic of Israel knows the golden rule: “The Jewish state can do no good.” In general, the better Israel’s actions look, the worse they actually are (please note: there are no exceptions to this rule). That is why, for example, if an Israeli does the seemingly benevolent action of welcoming you into their home, they probably intend to use your blood to make their matzah (I know it sounds hard to believe, but it was said in May by Al-Zaafrani of the Egyptian Justice and Progress Party, and anything with the word ‘justice’ in it must be legit. Right?!). Israel’s newest crime against Syrian refugees and the world at large is no exception to the golden rule.

Israel is engaging in a treacherous act called ‘human rights washing’ (Term coined by me! I’m gonna be famous!). The plot is simple: if Israel invests energy and manpower in treating helpless refugees from neighbouring war-torn Syria, they’ll pull a veil over the world’s eyes in order to allow them to continue to perpetrate even worse, more horrendous acts (e.g. drink bubbly water from their bloodstained SodaStreams). Israel’s humanitarian treatment of Syrians is clearly just a ploy to distract the world from its human rights abuses occurring on a constant basis.

Allow me to address a few questions that I’ve been asked. According to reports, Israeli doctors are doing everything possible to keep their own identities and those of their patients secret. As an enemy country, officially in a ‘state of war’ with Israel, Syria’s citizens are forbidden on threat of death from entering Israel. Israeli doctors are also discouraged from entering neighbouring Jordan, where large Syrian refugee camps are but where the presence of Israeli doctors is seen as a threat to Jordanian sovereignty. Some critics of mine (read: fascists) have asked why Israeli doctors are risking their lives to treat Syrians. The answer is obvious: the Jordanians are right. The power-hungry Israelis plan on first colonizing the Middle East, and then taking over the world (for further reading, see The Protocols of the Elders of Zion).

I suspect that the hundreds of Syrians entering Israeli hospitals from the Syrian border are being paid by the Israeli government. After all, why else would they risk being killed upon their return to Syria for life-saving treatment? Videos of Syrians meeting the doctors even show the patients claiming such Arabic profanities as “God bless Israel.” Do not be fooled by Syrians who claim that they are terrified of returning to their homeland, where they might be accused of collaboration with the enemy. If they are accused, it is rightly so. As the anonymous director of iL4Syrians, and Israeli organization operating covertly in Syria, states, “Nobody asks permission to kill. We do not ask permission to save lives.”

The horror is real: Israel is saving lives, and not even asking permission.

My ‘human rights washing’ theory is being endorsed by liberal academics worldwide. Many academics, including Jasbir Puar of Rutgers University, accuse Israel of ‘pinkwashing;’ using gay rights as a ploy to distract the world from its treatment of the Palestinians. Yes, Israel may have a near-perfect gay rights record. Yes, Israel may be the only country in the Middle East where homosexuality is not forbidden on threat of death penalty. But Dr. Puar knows the golden rule: the Jewish state can do no good! Just as Israel uses its gay rights and gender equality to fool the world, just as Israel pretends to care by setting up field hospitals after disasters worldwide, so too Israel feigns concern for the Syrians in order to trick us all. True, there’s been almost no publicity about Israel’s actions in Israeli or international media, but, um, like, whatever.

Some may accuse me of anti-Semitism. Jewish activists (read: world domineers) will probably claim that my double standards show bigotry towards the world’s only Jewish state. But I assure you; I’m no anti-Semite (Arabs are also Semites so that’s, like, pretty ignorant). I even have, like, three Jewish friends (okay, one of them isn’t actually Jewish but her name is Sarah and she has curly brown hair so whatever). So friends, join me in this new struggle against the Zionist entity: Israeli doctors risking their lives to help Syrian refugees must be stopped.

About the Author
Sean is an undergraduate student studying at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. In addition to the Times of Israel, he loves the Land of Israel, the People of Israel, the Torah of Israel, the beaches of Israel, and the chocolate milk of Israel. He dislikes the cats of Israel, the arsim of Israel, and the politics of Israel.