US to say “pretty please” to Iran

In an announcement made Sunday, the United States administration pledged that they are willing to take all steps necessary to curb Iran’s nuclear production including asking really nicely.

Secretary of State John Kerry told a group of reporters, “Based on our conversations and actions at the P5+1 talks, Israel and Prime Minister Netanyahu know that we take the Iran issue very seriously.  In fact, President Obama turned off “The Big Bang Theory” last night just to deal with it.   And Mr. President loves Sheldon.”

Secretary Kerry reiterated no less than seven times the gravity with which the United States holds the Iranian issue:  “No, really.  For serious, y’all.  We’re not joking around (unlike last time).  I’m not crossing my fingers, look.  C’mon, Iran, it’s enough.  Pretty please with sugar on top?  MOOOOOM, IRAN IS BOTHERING MEEEEEE!!!!”

With talks prepared to resume this next week in Geneva, some pundits have speculated that the US will offer new “carrots” to Iran including being their Best Friend Forever with the swapping of heart necklaces.  There has been no word as to whether Obama and President Rouhani would sit next to each other at lunch and tell the UN that they are going out.

When asked for comment, Netanyahu told US to “sweep the leg”.