Benji Lovitt
Because the Middle East is Funny

US to say “pretty please” to Iran

In an announcement made Sunday, the United States administration pledged that they are willing to take all steps necessary to curb Iran’s nuclear production including asking really nicely.

Secretary of State John Kerry told a group of reporters, “Based on our conversations and actions at the P5+1 talks, Israel and Prime Minister Netanyahu know that we take the Iran issue very seriously.  In fact, President Obama turned off “The Big Bang Theory” last night just to deal with it.   And Mr. President loves Sheldon.”

Secretary Kerry reiterated no less than seven times the gravity with which the United States holds the Iranian issue:  “No, really.  For serious, y’all.  We’re not joking around (unlike last time).  I’m not crossing my fingers, look.  C’mon, Iran, it’s enough.  Pretty please with sugar on top?  MOOOOOM, IRAN IS BOTHERING MEEEEEE!!!!”

With talks prepared to resume this next week in Geneva, some pundits have speculated that the US will offer new “carrots” to Iran including being their Best Friend Forever with the swapping of heart necklaces.  There has been no word as to whether Obama and President Rouhani would sit next to each other at lunch and tell the UN that they are going out.

When asked for comment, Netanyahu told US to “sweep the leg”.

About the Author
Since making aliyah in 2006, Benji Lovitt has performed stand-up comedy and educational programs for groups including Jewish Federations, Chabads, synagogues, Masa Israel Journey, and Birthright Israel. His perspectives on aliyah and Israeli society have been featured on Israeli TV and radio and in publications such as USA Today, Time Magazine, the BBC, and more. Benji has worked as a cross-cultural trainer with groups including the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Masa Israel and is a popular presenter on the Limmud International circuit. During 2014's Operation Protective Edge, his humorous observations on the war led to his being called in Israel "the only reason to go on Facebook.”