Parashat Vayishlach: Have A Simply Divine Meeting

וַיֹּ֣אמֶר יַעֲקֹ֗ב אַל־נָא֙ אִם־נָ֨א מָצָ֤אתִי חֵן֙ בְּעֵינֶ֔יךָ וְלָקַחְתָּ֥ מִנְחָתִ֖י מִיָּדִ֑י כִּ֣י עַל־כֵּ֞ן רָאִ֣יתִי פָנֶ֗יךָ כִּרְאֹ֛ת פְּנֵ֥י אֱ-לֹהִ֖ים וַתִּרְצֵֽנִי׃

“But Jacob said, “No, please, if, please, I find favor in your eyes, accept my gift from my hands; for to see your face is like seeing the face of Gd, and you have favored me” (Genesis 33:10).

Once upon a time, this verse inspired me with a simple, yet highly effective method for getting along with more people. From this extreme case of Jacob, who was particularly afraid of Esau, we learn there can either be several different steps of conflict management or it can be quite simple. I really like it because it not only teaches us how to elevate any relationship, but also highlights the unique pleasure of seeing a divine spark in everyone. Being able to see this can bring a certain inner peace – one that I wish for everyone to experience.

It’s interesting how this poignant verse isn’t singled out for elaboration in the Zohar. The common Kaballistic notion that everyone has a spark of Hashem within them is emphasized in this verse. There is always something positive in any person that we can direct our attention to. By considering the sefirot, the attributes of Hashem, we can identify what we appreciate most in a person. A nice side effect of noticing these traits is that we begin to see more of these qualities in all the people around us.

There are many possible traits to consider, so I will focus more on the sefirah of Jacob, Tiferet. This attribute can be seen as hiddur mitzvah (literally, the beautification of a mitzvah). This means performing a mitzvah in the most beautiful way. Tiferet also signifies balance, harmony, and honor. From just this parasha, these qualities remind me of Jacob’s encounter with Esau, as he prepared to meet him, and his repeated acts of making places sacred, naming them or improving the name given to his last son. 

Jacob is also the messenger of Gd to instruct his sons on how to purify themselves (35:1) because sometimes the less we carry, the more we can see of what is good. It is not necessary to actually think about the negative traits of others even if we are evolutionarily predisposed to bring our attention to them from a point of survival. If you really think about it, one only needs a few good traits to focus on in another person: even just, one or maybe at most four. 

Some other positive traits from the other six emotional sefirot include:

• Chesed: Kindness and compassion 
• Gevurah: Rigour and discipline
• Netzach: Perseverance and consistency
• Hod: Acknowledgement and humbleness
• Yesod: Loyalty and righteousness
• Malkhut: Effective communication and showing nobleness/values

I did not include the first three sefirot, Keter, Chokhmah, and Binah because they are more traits that relate to ourselves rather than other people and are precursors to the above emotional attributes that connect us with people. 

The qualities we like in others are often the qualities that also reside within ourselves. So doing this exercise might be as simple as allowing ourselves to be inspired by some quality of the other person to look inwards at what we like about ourselves. Remember, all “negative” traits can be used for good too. Most importantly, ask Hashem to help you see the best in yourself and in as many people as possible.

Even by focusing on just one trait that you like in a person, other positive traits might become apparent, depending on how much this person is meant to be part of your life or world. The reason I suggest focusing on even just one trait, the one you like the most, is that it helps you to effortlessly be inspired to think of other praiseworthy traits in that person. 

You don’t need to like everyone; in fact, this is evolutionarily advantageous for maximizing our attention and resources; however, this is different from seeing the divine in everyone. It’s about how that person shows up to us. Let’s give everyone the chance to be their best and what is good for us only affects us positively. There are people with whom this exercise becomes harder to apply for them. I wish you all not to have anyone like this in your life.

The commentators Pardes Yosef and Penei David say regarding our verse that it is forbidden to literally look at the face of a wicked person. My first thought was the psychological concept of mirror neurons, which suggests that our bodies tend to imitate what we see in others. By imitating some behaviors we imitate more. Or maybe it can work the other way, and a wicked person looking at the face of a good person can be influenced for the better. Perhaps these commentaries can also be understood in reverse logic: how psychological research suggests that looking at the face of someone we love can heal us. In any case, not looking at someone directly can be metaphorical for trying to see how they contribute to a divine plan that we cannot fully comprehend.

Sometimes, there might need to be other steps before we see the divine in someone, like Jacob having to wrestle with an angel – whether those steps involve developing qualities within himself or defeating the “angel” of Esau. I think both of these interpretations can be true at the same time: he was wrestling both with himself and with Esau’s angel. And I think that the angel could not reveal its identity because that would defeat the purpose of overcoming something if Jacob (now renamed Israel) thought it was part of himself. Before Jacob meets his brother, he seems to do a lot for him. After Jacob wrestles with the angel, I think his actions are now motivated by a true desire to give to his brother and not by fear. A desire to balance things between him and express the love he feels. 

Being humble and showing high respect to someone, as Jacob does in the story of his reconciliation with Esau, are both consequences of recognizing that Esau, also, contains part of Hashem. It doesn’t matter what happened between the two bothers, as I have heard, most conflicts are ego based. The more we focus on the divine in people, the more automatic it becomes to do this with everyone in our lives. The other person will feel inspired to keep showing us their best and in a way that is beyond what we can predict. There are many divine attributes someone can have and we need to just focus on even just one attribute. One that is meaningful and true to us, that we will be inspired to see more from them and feel empowered to see even more divine qualities in ourselves and others. Life is designed to mirror us and multiply what is good.

For the peace of kol Yisrael and the world.

My poetry book about elevating relationships: Better Than You Wished For