What holds family together?

When hundreds of my Zaidy OBM and my Bubby’s (may she be well) grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and some great-great-grandchildren, gathered last Shabbat, I kept asking, “What were the factors that made this possible?”

Zaidy was pulled from the gas chambers of Auschwitz. Bubby escaped Russia on fake Polish documents. They got married as refugees in France with barely an ability to buy a new suit.

What did they do, and what can I emulate to build a family that wishes to stay connected with their faith and each other?

Here are some observations my cousins and siblings shared:

The power of faith: Having a large family was not a “plan”  Zaidy OBM and Bubby made. It was simply an act of faith. Their marriage was based on sharing the values of Judaism and actively living by them. They built a Jewish family out of faith not out of strategy.

Live one’s values: The scars of the Holocaust were literally on Zaidy’s body. At every Shabbat table, one could see the number on his arm. Yet he clearly took comfort in a Talmud class and found joy in celebrating his Judaism. He lived and loved Judasim, he did not preach it.

It’s not about you; it’s about them: One of my cousins observed how Bubby and Zaidy reflected back any respect they were shown. They did not assert their position as the “patriarch” or “matriarch”; rather, they leaned into it for the good of the family. As I was saying goodbye on Sunday morning, Bubby shared how her purpose in convening the family was so that they get to know each other. It was about the family not about her.

Initiate connection: On a grandchild’s birthday, Zaidy OBM may have shown up at their door with their favorite ice cream. Bubby has a family phone book, and if a grandchild does not call her, she will call them. As one of my cousins put it, “It’s not taught, it’s lived.”

Don’t take yourself too seriously: My brother observed that laughter, self-deprecation, fun, taking a joke is the glue that keeps families together. Life is full of stress and competition, and if a family can be an oasis of support and joy, people will be driven to stay together.

It takes drivers: Gathering a family and keeping one connected takes energy. Be thankful and recognize those who are willing to put in the time to organize and host. It is much to their credit that the family actually convenes.

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What do you think we can add to this list? Comment below.