Haviva Ner-David
post-denominational inter-spiritual rabbi, mikveh specialist, spiritual counselor, author
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What I learned from Rebecca this year

Before the matriarch was married to Isaac, she was asked a revolutionary question

This year, when I read the story of Abraham’s servant going to find Isaac a wife, I was struck by how closely the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony resembles the steps of Rebecca and Isaac’s betrothal and marriage. When Abraham’s servant (Abraham and Isaac’s proxy) decides that Rebecca is “the one,” he adorns her with a nose ring and bracelets (evoking the kiddushin ring ceremony). When Rebecca sees Isaac in the distance, she covers her face with her scarf (the bedekin veiling ritual). Then Isaac “takes” Rebecca into his dead mother Sarah’s tent and seemingly consummates their marriage sexually with her (chuppah and yichud).

While it is comforting to read a story of our fore-fathers and -mothers and recognize our own reality in theirs, it is also discouraging that in a culture that has experienced a feminist revolution, traditional Judaism has not only not progressed in this area but has actually regressed.

Before Rebecca’s family will send her off with Abraham’s servant, they ask her if she agrees to go: “We will ask of her mouth” is the literal translation of their words (Genesis 34:57). Her answer is a succinct but clear: “I will go.” It seemed obvious to Rebecca’s family that she must verbally consent, whereas today any Jewish couple who marries legally in Israel (or marries in a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony anywhere!) follows the traditional unilateral model of the chattan (groom) giving the kallah (bride) a ring and reciting a line sanctifying her to him. She says nothing, and gives nothing.

Some rabbis approved by the Israeli Rabbinate will allow the bride to give the groom a ring and even recite a poetic verse, as long as it is clear that her act has no Jewish legal significance. She is set aside for him alone, but the same is not true for him. That is why it is much easier for a man to remarry if his wife does not agree to a Jewish divorce, and that is why a man can father children with as many women as he wants: none will be considered mamzeirim unless the mother is married to another man.

Rashi comments that we learn from Rebecca’s story that a woman cannot be legally married against her will. My take on this is that if even then a woman had to verbally agree to a wedding proposal, how much more so must she now not only do likewise under the chuppah, but also show in ways that are acceptable today that she agrees to its terms, as must he. In other words, the wedding ceremony and the entire Jewish legal marital relationship model should be updated to match current egalitarian marital relationships. Moreover, any ceremony that does not reflect the couple’s actual reality is a farce, an empty show, with no legal significance.

It fascinates me that modern – even feminist – women agree to be even less empowered during the ritualization of their own marriage processes than Rebecca was. Women who marry in a traditional unilateral ceremony do not verbally accept the ring under the chuppah nor show any other sign of approval except the motion of putting out their ring finger. And most even agree to walk veiled down the aisle – although if you asked them what they think of veiling in modern day Iran they would say it is appalling! Moreover, many walk to meet their groom while he stands under the chuppah, signifying that they are entering his “tent”.

Perhaps Rebecca’s family asked for her verbal consent because they knew her well; Rebecca is not one to be pushed around. Even with the limited power she was then granted as a woman, she manages to get her way most of the time. Perhaps because the only way for Jews to marry legally in Israel is to marry through the Rabbinate, many Israeli Jewish women today feel they have no more choice than Rebecca did back then. By learning from Rebecca’s model of self-empowerment, such women may realize they have more of a choice than they think. The Rabbinate, and all rabbis who perpetuate the unilateral ceremony here and abroad, have only as much power as the public allows them.

Thankfully, I have attended and even officiated at completely egalitarian Jewish wedding ceremonies where the bride did not wear a veil and if any rings were given at all, they were given and accepted by both parties along with the recitation of totally parallel phrases. There was no groom’s “tent,” rather a joint chuppah representing the home this couple planned to build together. These ceremonies evoked Rebecca and Isaac and a whole line of Jewish marriages that came after, but in a way that was authentic for the couple and appropriate to a world that has progressed since the day when asking a woman if she wants to marry was considered revolutionary.

About the Author
Rabbi Dr. Haviva Ner-David is a rabbi and writer. She is the rabbinic founder of Shmaya: A Mikveh for Mind, Body, and Soul, the only mikveh in Israel open to all to immerse as they choose. She is the author of two spiritual journey memoirs: Chanah's Voice: A Rabbi Wrestles with Gender, Commandment, and the Women's Rituals of Baking, Bathing, and Brightening, and Life on the Fringes: A Feminist Journey Towards Traditional Rabbinic Ordination, which was a runner up for the National Jewish Book Council Awards. Ordained as both a rabbi and an inter-faith minister, certified as a spiritual counselor (with a specialty in dream work), and with a doctorate on mikveh from Bar Ilan University, she offers mikveh guidance and spiritual counseling for individuals and couples, and mikveh workshops and talks for groups. She is currently working on a novel and a third spiritual memoir, and her latest book, Getting (and Staying) Married Jewishly: A Guidebook for Couples, is slated for publication in 2019. She lives on Kibbutz Hannaton with her husband and seven children.
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