Yam Ha-Tichon

Family Portrait II by Jewish feminist artist Florine Stettheimer, 1933, at the MOMA in NYC. Educational Fair Use copyright

It is a lonely spot having the capacity to see both sides this election year. And dems are every bit as intolerant as maga. I don’t see either candidate being good for the Jews. I don’t even see Jews being good for the Jews.

I was in the Jewish Women for Kamala Harris group. I engaged with some wonderful centrist women, knowledgeable and strong in their loyalty to Israel. But mostly, I saw the most staggering amount of self-loathing and ignorance I have ever encountered as a Jewish woman in my life. It tears me up and haunts me.

Don’t get me wrong. Personally, I could never vote for Trump. I knew him back in the day. Not a trustworthy bone in his body. Terrible for too many I care about, I don’t believe anything he says. Lived that nightmare, have no interest in revisiting it.

But Harris, she keeps moving increasingly left and as a strongly committed Jewish woman – emphasis on Jewish – I cannot go left. October 7th changed everything for me. It wasn’t just a wake up call. It has been a nonstop blaring siren for over 300 days.

I was such a Kamala superfan. Now she’s running for President again and 5 years later, I am looking around at the dumpster fire our country has become for the Jews. It’s impossible for me to see America without the filter of being Jewish. I also cannot see it without the filter of being a woman.

This has been going on my whole life. Jewish. Woman. Jewish. Woman. My identities are fused together, welded over time and life experiences.

Lately it feels my vote has been hers to lose. Sometimes she says all the right things. Okay, some of them. Sometimes she says all the wrong things. Knife in the back, knife in the heart wrong. I’m worried, trepidacious that her rhetoric will lead to bad actions.

So, I’m watching, waiting, advocating. Feeling naked and alone in a sea of others’ mob thrill. I notice for some it is genuine, for some it is a desperation to be part of something. Many feel compelled to save democracy with her.

If you read my columns previously in years past, I felt it then. I don’t feel the excitement for her that I once did. And I can’t and won’t force it on myself.

The thunderclap of October 7th happened. And my whole heart came alive for Israel. I am crying right now, as I often do, when I think of the hostages. I cry for what Israelis are having to endure. I want to tell the rescued hostages and Nova survivors, do not give up. Give yourself time to heal. I want Israel to heal.

What will it take for the national will to rise up and find a way to give Bibi the potch in tuchus he so sorely needs, and oust him? To the moon, Bibi. Some of you are old enough to get the reference.

The marches are not enough. Pleas from the hostage families aren’t enough. Letters and declarations from Intelligence and Security experts aren’t enough. Ironic, I see special elections in Israel as the salvation for one country – while elections are so hellish for America. I fear that if Trump wins, it will only embolden Bibi more.

I look at America’s political landscape and feel disassociated. This year we saw a black cloud descend on our streets, on our campuses. Suddenly, seemingly overnight, America became 1930’s Germany.

We are forced to witness and experience the most insane, hypocritical betrayal my generation has ever seen here. Unimaginable, really. My daughter’s generation? Never did I envision that such a progressive generation could so easily, stupidly, dumbassedly sign on for such a gaslighting, Jew-hating death cult, antithetical to every value they claim to hold. I think of Israeli survivors and how their American peers are retraumatizing them.

While we were minding all the simultaneously shiny and terrible distractions, all along Jew-hatred was bubbling under the surface. Ready to be activated. Like a massive amount of antisemitic sleeper cells. I discovered the lies of friends – and it shocked and stung.

The disinformation campaign is a mountain of a task. I chip away every day. Speak out for Israel. Speak out for the hostages. Speak out for Jewish students. Speak out for Jewish rape victims.

I decided the whole world was shouting for Gaza – they started on October 8th. Instead, I will speak out for vulnerable Jews the best I can. I will speak out for a country I have loved since I was a young girl – a bit up close and personal, a lot from a distance. I realized that Israel is the blue and white blood that courses through my vains. Inextricable.

That social media group I mentioned… I saw Jewish women so uneducated about the history of Israel that it was mind-boggling. Their intense fear of being seen as too Jewish in America came out at every turn. I saw women so assimilated that everything took precedence over their Jewishness to the point of rendering it negligible, dispensible. I saw Jewish women tuned out to the scourge of antisemitism. I saw women who would say they were proud Jews – while literally saying they were against the creation of the State of Israel in 1948. They found bizarre ways to justify Hamas’ rapes, kidnapping and slaughters, continually spread blood libels and spewed messages of hate for Jews. It defied logic. What was their Jewish pride about exactly? And I saw Jewish women being exorted – hey, stop writhing about your Jewish concerns – get on board the Kamala salvation train already!

I cannot unsee what I’ve seen. I can’t forget the deep antisemitism I’ve been on the receiving end of this year. I feel like I’ve seen the enemy – and it’s both outside and from within. I feel responsible to not let tragedy befall the Jewish people.

Should I even be writing this during the 9 days? Perhaps not. My intention isn’t to denigrate but to mourn, get up and allow lessons learned to create change. Combatting antisemitism begins with knowledge and reverberates successfully through pride and courage – Jewish feminist fearlessness.

One thing I know for sure from taking a step back and observing – people are comfortable with, almost addicted, to the narrative that the real, only threat is coming from the far right. They’re stuck. They refuse to see the equally devastating threat coming at us from the far left. And not so far left.

I don’t have answers yet. I’m sure others do. For now, all I can do is share my kishkes. See what unfolds next. Alternate between treading water and practicing the front crawl.