Yes We Can. Stop Laughing, I Really Think We Can

President Obama’s thought processes are interesting. They appear to go something like this, and he directs his personal appeal straight at the hearts and minds of American Jews:

“I have a dream: I wish to smash the nation of Israel for daring to democratically and freely elect a Prime Minister whom I personally dislike.

I intensely dislike this man, Benjamin Netanyahu, because he constantly insists on speaking up on behalf of HIS vision for the state of Israel, when my own vision for the state of Israel is very different.

I fully support Jerusalem as the sole and eternal undivided capital of the soveriegn state of Israel. I am a man of principle and I firmly held this view throughout my election campaign.

I was elected 6 years ago and re-elected 2 years ago. I now no longer support my own view. Instead, I demand that Benjamin Netanyahu give up half of Jerusalem to create the capital city of Palestine.

And no, Palestine does not have to reciprocate either by recognising Israel or by toning down its jihadi rhetoric against the Jewish state. In fact, Palestine doesn’t even need to pay its electric bill debt to Israel, currently totalling about 1 billion US dollars.

I know, just KNOW, that if only the Jews give up half of Jerusalem, all the Middle East’s problems will evaporate overnight – IS will stop raping and then beheading Yazidis, al Shabbab will no longer kidnap and sell teenage Christian girls in Nigeria, Boko Haram will not butcher Christians in Kenya, the Taliban will not kill everyone in Afghanistan, Iran will stop waging proxy wars in Lebanon, Syria and Yemen, and al Qaeda will congratulate me for having Osama bin Laden, who as we know was very un-Islamic and did not represent Islam in any way, shape or form. In fact, none of the above represent Islam. Trust me on this, I know what I am talking about.

Jews need to stop worrying about giving up half of Jerusalem and converting the Jewish provinces of Judea and Samaria into the state of Palestine, because take it from me when I say that territorial compromise is what is needed to forge peace. it worked when Israel withdrew from Lebanon, it worked when Israel withdrew from Gaza.

OK, so it didn’t work either time, and Fatah, the PLO and the Palestinian Authority repeatedly – and openly – affirm that any foothold they get in Judea and Samaria will merely be a springboard to taking over the rest of the territory between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean Sea. That is to say Israel, kicking into the sea any Jews who survive the Palestinian onslaught. But hey, that’s just rhetoric, they don’t really mean it. I didn’t mean it when I said Jerusalem must remain the sole and eternal undivided capital of the state of Israel, and look where I am now…

Trust me on this one.

In my bid to clip Netanyahu’s wings I have now empowered the terrorist state of Iran, which has carried out massive terrorist campaigns against Israelis, Americans, Britons, Argentinians, Lebanese, Bulgarians, and Jews everwhere.

I empowered Iran by rescuing its theocratic, actively anti-democratic regime from the ropes. I engineered an economic, political, strategic and diplomatic rescue. STOP obsessing about their nuclear ambitions. So they repeatedly claim they want to annihilate Israel. And the USA. Do I look worried? They’re just saying that, they don’t really mean it. Trust me on this.

My name is Barack Obama and I do president impressions in my spare time.

In exchange for aiding Iran – while subverting reactionary US allies such as Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Israel – I want your full assistance and unquestioning support, as US Jews. The name of the game today is progress – we cannot any longer be tied to tired old alliances. And stop obsessing about the word ‘loyalty‘ – it’s not about loyalty, it’s about legacy.My legacy. I need one.

At these existential crossroads I need your assistance. The assistance I want from you is your blind support for me in everything I do.

I know my foreign-policy record appears to have failed on every single count in the more than 6 years I have been in power – the security and/or political catastrophes in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Egypt, Russia, China, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Yemen all speak their clear language – but I want you to trust me on this one when I say I really, truly, know what I am doing with regard to the future, and existence, of the one and only Jewish state in the entire world, Israel.

No, seriously, trust me on this one, I know what I am doing. If only Netanyahu hadn’t survived the political coup I engineered against him in the runup to the Israeli elections, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation, so really it’s all his fault. Blame Bibi. I do.

I am not allowed to run for the US Presidency for a third term, so I would like you all to back me for my remaining two years, and I urge you all to unquestioningly back my favoured candidate to take over after me: Hillary Clinton. She says some very nice things about Israel. Trust her on that. I know I do.

Thank you for your unquestioning support and for assisting me in my social experiment. And before you can ask, my answer is still “Yes We Can.” Stop asking what we can, you’re getting REALLY irritating.

Regards, Barack Obama.”

“PS: I do President impressions in my spare time.”