Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate’s Life For Me

Ahoy there!

My name is Pontius and I am a pirate.

It wasn’t always this way. For years I pinballed between yes and HOT. I imagined that I could control my own destiny even while others controlled which channels I received. Until one day, I cracked.

Pontius: I would like to cancel my subscription.

HOT/yes rep: But why? We offer such excellent service slash value for money slash unparalleled range of channels.

Pontius: I can never get what I want without paying more for other things that I don’t want. I’m done. Please let me go.

yes/HOT rep: Of course. Just send us an email and a fax and a telegram and a postcard and a pound of your flesh and we’ll send someone round to disconnect you on Febtember the twelveteenth, 2525. Will there be someone at home between mumble o’clock and half past?

Pontius: You’re not going to call me again later this week and try to offer me all your channels for cheaper, are you?

yacht/HESS rep: Certainly not, sir. Er… would that work?

Pontius: No. I’m adamant.

STRESS/knot rep: Of course. But would you mind if I asked you a question, sir?

Pontius: Ask it.

snot/PEST rep: What on earth will you do without TV?

… without TV… without TV… without TV…

The question haunted me. I spent restless nights doing nothing but reading books, pursuing healthy hobbies and enjoying intelligent conversation with my immediate family. And all the while the rep’s question persisted. What would we do without TV?

They say that a cornered animal is the most dangerous, and, gentle reader, I can tell you this is true. Only when cut off from broadcast television with no alternative did I commit my first act of piracy. It felt like a victimless crime, although given that I streamed the pilot episode of Two and a Half Men you could say that I was the victim of my own crime.

Later as I grew in piratical confidence (and discernment) I learned that there was no content that I could not bring into my home, even if there was plenty that I should not bring into my home.

So what have I watched since canceling my TV subscription and leaving my old Sony gogglebox out on the sidewalk?

The Wire? It’s all in the game, yo.

The Sopranos? Fugeddaboutit!

The Daily Show? Daily.

I make no claims of nobility. I am an outlaw. I live outside the bounds of propriety. But each week I shall return here and report on the things I have seen. Nothing is sacred and no one shall be spared.

My name is Pontius. I am a pirate.

If you’re a pirate too, leave a comment below. We have much to discuss.

About the Author
For years, Pontius was a model citizen generously overpaying for TV companies to show him ads between reruns for shows he never liked. But then, like Walter White, he just broke bad. These days Pontius Pirate is beholden to no man's TV schedule. He sails the content seas under the skull and crossbones committing daily acts of piracy. In this version of 'drag the net,' the names have been changed to protect the guilty.