Idit Solomon
Idit Solomon

Yom Kippur, Hawaii and Infertility

pixabay.com
Pixabay Hawaiian Beach

Self-blame is often an uninvited guest at an infertility experience. It sometimes tags along with curiosity. Is this because I was on birth control pills? Sometimes it just walks in the front door. I waited too long. I didn’t take care of my body. I didn’t eat well. Other times you don’t see it come in and it is just there. I must deserve this.

Yom Kippur is an entire day for the Jewish people to confess all their mistakes to God, make amends, and return to better ways. The Hebrew word for this is teshuvah, which means return. This return is meant to be a return to God and Godly ways. The process traditionally includes stopping the offending behaviors or thoughts, regretting them, asking forgiveness from the person you wronged, and committing to not repeating the mistakes. Regret followed by asking another for forgiveness, however, skips over a crucial step: self-forgiveness.

Forgiveness requires relationship. One does not ask their sister for forgiveness for breaking their neighbor’s power tool. You ask your neighbor. One does not ask forgiveness of God for arguing with another person. You ask that person. In turn, we turn to God for sins that are an affront to God: being jealous, haughty and xenophobia. Yet feelings of untrustworthiness or being a bad friend may remain in one’s own heart. One can do the steps of teshuva and still harbor self-blame.

Some things in life, like infertility, are not as simple as a power tool. Infertility often leads to deeper and more complex guilt intertwined with loss and longing. The self-blame is sometimes subtle and sometimes overwhelming. However, the full process for addressing remains the same.

Two years ago I went to Hawaii to lead Yom Kippur services. Next year in Hawaii, I quipped as I flew home.  This past year, Hawaii came to me.  Someone taught me about a Hawaiian ritual that over time evolved – or perhaps was simplified – into the Ho’oponono prayer. It comes from a Hawaiian healing tradition. It is linked in part to Hala, the Hawaiian concept to miss the thing aimed for, or to err, to disobey. This is similar to the hebrew word het, which rather than sin, means to miss the mark. The prayer also fits beautifully into the process of teshuvah. More to the point, it allows space for forgiveness in all relationships, including with one’s self.

This prayer has the power to work for a broken tool and for self-blame. Assume for a moment that it makes no difference if you waited too long to have children or if you stayed in good enough physical condition to have children. Or whether or not the broken tool really was the result of an accident or not. It simply is the situation and that cannot be changed. What makes a difference is that you are blaming yourself. You feel you have done wrong.

If you are able, bring something to mind that is lingering with you. Then say this prayer in your heart:

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

You may ask, to whom do I direct this? Direct it to whoever you need to say it. Psychologists have written about the power of this prayer, the power of its directness and simplicity (not to be confused with ease). We focus our view of situations around ourselves. We see ourselves as flawed. We see the world or some external force as preventing us from moving forward. Yet, it is okay to have made mistakes. More often it is our own minds that need changed. Our hearts need compassion. Our souls need to be cleansed.

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

Keep saying it. Say it slowly. Say it quickly. Say it directed to another. Say it directed to yourself. Then say it again until you feel movement inside your heart or your body. It is a movement towards healing. And maybe you need to repeat this later today, or tomorrow, or next week and keep releasing it. Returning to ourselves is an ongoing process. Some make a practice of saying it every day.

Starting with yourself prepares you to ask others for forgiveness.  Or God. In your compassion for yourself, you are able to be open with others.  Either way the release will allow you to move forward in your life and your decisions. The change that is needed, the change within you, will happen.

On Yom Kippur, invite in the memories of all the mistakes, perceived or real. Or any time of year when the uninvited guests arrive – self-blame, doubt, guilt or regret – welcome them gently. Invite them on a trip with you. To Hawaii. Acknowledge your guests.

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

Welcome yourself back. You are ready to reach to others and to God from your place of return.

About the Author
Rabbi Solomon is the founder and CEO of Hasidah, a Jewish infertility support non-profit. She has a Master's of education and rabbinic ordination as well as a background in business and technology. Her career has spanned from summer camps to the college campus, retirement village, Federation and Hasidah. She lives in Northern California with her three daughters.
Related Topics
Related Posts
Comments