You Go, Ehud

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I am in the midst of an arduous process–writing a blog proposing a comprehensive solution to the Israel/Palestine issue– but I am putting it aside for the moment because Ehud Olmert might have preempted me, by beating me to the finish line.  Fortunately, in the process, Mr. Olmert awakened me to new vistas and new opportunities for my own creativity.  (Also because the issue is really intractable, and I keep finding flaws in my proposal; moreover, I am pretty certain that once I publish it, I will receive the sort of hate mail that shouldn’t bother me, but does.  Most of those people who write didn’t even know my parents, so who are they to say those things?)

Anyway, to the comprehensive Olmert Solution that, for the moment, has shunted my own thoughts on the subject to the sidelines.  Arutz Sheva and the Jerusalem Post report that former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Nasser al-Qudwa, a former Foreign Minister of the Palestinian Authority (who is also Yasser Arafat’s nephew, to the extent that he required any additional moral authority), have jointly signed a proposal for an agreement between Israel and the Palestinians. They plan to “work together to promote the achievement of peace in the Middle East.”

I guess that settles it.

Those of you who still remember Former Prime Minister Olmert (whose current title, in case you happen to run into him, is “His Glorious Irrelevancy”) will not be surprised to learn that the agreement establishes a Palestinian State, likely to be known as Olmertarafatistan, within the 1967 borders, with Israel to annex 4.4% of Judea and Samaria, presumably so some Jews may keep their homes, and to transfer a similarly-sized area of pre-1967 Israeli land to the new state, including a corridor connecting Gaza to the West Bank. The new state will have its capital in East Jerusalem, but Israel will be able to maintain West Jerusalem and some of the newer Jewish neighborhoods.

For initial governance, a Council of Commissioners, linked to the PA,  would govern Gaza, but would be replaced in general elections within 24-36 months.  The negotiators might not have considered the present popularity of Hamas, or maybe they think that there is a Muslim Mahatma Gandhi waiting in the wings to bring an enlightened government, unburdened by the past, that wishes to live in peace with Israel.  Or–wait–isn’t Barack Obama available?  Of course, there would be a “temporary” Arab Security Presence, coordinating with the IDF and the new Palestinian security force.  They will prevent attacks from Gaza into Israel.  One assumes that the reason for its “temporary” status is that it is to last only as long as it takes for Hamas to be fully rearmed and deployed by Iran, or until all its members are murdered, whichever occurs first. The new Palestinian State will also be demilitarized (until it isn’t).

There’s lots of other good stuff, like an international peace force stationed along the Jordan River (you know, like the one in Lebanon), a “Donors Conference” of rich, generous nations willing to contribute with minimal oversight (admittedly, something with which Olmert has lots of experience), and a five-state Trusteeship over Jerusalem (thus fulfilling the biblical vision of many nations coming to Jerusalem and forming a Trusteeship), but I am on to better things, for the moment.

Given the fact that this proposal, measured on a probability scale of 1-10, does not register at all, and would be somewhere in negative territory if the scale so permitted (like a minus 212 Celsius), and given the fact that an almost identical proposal failed back when Olmert actually, and unfortunately, had some relevance, and given the fact that any such agreement would be politically unacceptable to pretty much everyone living in Israel other than His Glorious Irrelevancy, and given the fact that Abbas has previously stated that he rejected the Olmert plan as soon as he saw it back in 2008, and given the fact that, if adopted, it would actually reward the Palestinians for perpetrating and supporting the most horrific assault on Jews since the Holocaust, why, you ask, would I put aside my own proposal immediately upon reading about it?

Because, as I said, it opened new vistas, previously beyond my wildest dreams. Just imagine.  Two people with no credibility and no power and no relevance and no significance, have actually entered into a comprehensive, totally meaningless and absurd, agreement.  They expect the relevant parties to take it seriously and use it as a basis for future discussions and implementation.  And it is being reported as news.  I may not be a former Prime Minister or Foreign Minister, but neither am I consumed by hatred for and jealousy of the present incumbent, nor have I been incarcerated for taking bribes and obstructing justice. Moreover, I can say, without fear of contradiction, that in the matters I am about to discuss, I similarly have no credibility, no power, no relevance, and no significance.  Who knew that those characteristics entitled me to a public forum?

Thank you, His Glorious Irrelevancy. We who, at times, also feel underappreciated and inconsequential, and long for the days when we might have commanded respect, no matter how undeserved, salute you. It appears that a delusion of grandeur, even in small doses, can go a long way.

So here goes, and, in my humble opinion, my proposals should carry even more weight than Olmert’s because mine deal with situations, unlike that of Israel, in which colonizers actually replaced indigenous populations.

I have met, secretly of course, with former officials of Australian aborigines (in a bar, if you must know), a descendant of a former war council member of the Oglala Sioux, and a great-grandson of a deputy chief of the Leni Lenape tribe of New Jersey.  We have entered into a series of agreements, pursuant to which Sydney, Melbourne, half of Canberra, and the Outback will become the Aboriginal State of Australia (ASA).  Descendants of European and other immigrants who arrived after the initial Botany Bay contingent in 1788 will be granted provisional citizenship in the rest of the continent, but they need to leave ASA, and their property will be subject to liens in favor of the descendants of natives until appropriate reparations are made. That may take a while.

We hope and anticipate that negotiators from the relevant parties will fill in the details.

Regarding the United States, soon to be “formerly known as the United States,” I and the Native Americans have agreed that such wishy-washy arrangements are inappropriate, given the magnitude of the expropriations.  Anyone who is unable to prove direct descent from a Native American will be transported to California, Chicago, or Mississippi (the Native Americans don’t want them); a corridor connecting those areas will be constructed.   The rest of the continent will revert to its original owners, with distribution among the tribes to be supervised by me and Ehud Olmert. New residents of Calicagossippi may be licensed to operate casinos in designated areas therein.

We hope and anticipate that negotiators from the relevant parties will fill in the details.

I have also met with a few former residents of Northern Cyprus and we agreed that Turkey should withdraw its forces and get the hell out. (And that is for real, except for the imaginary meeting.)

I now see why Olmert does this stuff.  It is so empowering and so liberating.  Just to make believe that you still matter and that what you say might actually be taken seriously, no matter how inane. I have often wondered about the phrase, “Credo quia absurdum est,” frequently misattributed to Tertullian.  Why would anyone believe something because it is absurd?  And then you read that Ehud Olmert is, apparently in all seriousness, entering into signed agreements for the future of Israel.  Absurdity will never again be a disqualification.  For anything.

You might call his efforts delusional.  Or it might be a symptom of dementia.  But I think it’s terrific.

You go, Ehud.

[Note to readers:  I hope to finish my interrupted proposal for a comprehensive solution this week–unless Ehud Barak comes up with his own scheme for peace in the Middle East.  I don’t think that I could resist that opportunity.]