Jesus f%^&ing Christ!”
I must have said it louder than I should have. Everyone in the Church of Mary Magdalene in Jerusalem stopped and stared at me. I pretended to be having a spiritual moment. A seizure of religious enlightenment. A moment of metaphysical transcendence. I made the sign of the cross and said it again, this time without the “f*#&ing.” What was I supposed to do? It was crowded and some oafish looking Russian tourist had accidentally shoved me into one of those hanging candles. The wax, hot and painful, poured all over my hair and shoulders.
I was anointed. Then and there. King of the mustachios. Don’t call it Jerusalem Syndrome. Call it Movember 2016
What is Movember? It’s a mash up of the words “November” and “Mo,” which in Australia, means mustache. During Movember, men are encouraged to grow a mustache as a way of raising awareness for men’s mental health issues (ironic, I know) and prostate cancer. The movement started in Australia in 1999 and arrived in Israel (like all good things) 10 years too late.
I started growing a mustache in 2013 and since then I’ve learned a lot about mustaches and made a few friends (or “MoBros” as we refer to ourselves in the glory holes er… I mean Facebook groups). I’ve learned a few valuable lessons over the years, and, as your lord and saviour, I’ve decided to share these with you. Without further ado (and while I try and get the wax out of my hair) here is a list of the top 10 things NOT to do when growing a Movember mustache:
1. Do NOT ask other men whether you can touch their mustache. It’s really creepy. Don’t bother trying to explain the nuances of Movember to them OR offer them a free prostate screening either. Don’t nod and wink at them knowingly, like you’re part of some secret exclusive club. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to avoid prolonged eye contact.
3. Do NOT insist on photographing selfie style semi-nude re-enactments of classical mustachioed men. The “Burt Lancaster” naked on a bear skin rug might have seemed like a good idea when you were stoned, but it really was not. I know you really want to try the Ron Jeremy this year, but enough is enough.
4. Do NOT buy beard grooming oil, you pseudo-hipster. You’re not cool enough to pull off the hipster mustache. The best you can hope for is the Egyptian movie idol or Estonian bus driver.
5. Do NOT get married in the month of November. Otherwise every picture of you and your spouse/sex bot/one legged midget dominatrix on your anniversary will be with a silly mustache. And your kid will grow up thinking that his old man ALWAYS had a mustache. Do yourself a favor and get married in December or October. Oh, and happy anniversary, honey.
6. Do NOT snicker at all those mustache-free men with a condescending air about you. Your mustache may make you more virile, masculine and overall attractive, but there’s no need to rub it in those poor saps’ faces. They would grow a mustache too if they had balls as big as yours. Speaking of big balls, this might be the time to emphasize the importance of getting a prostate exam if you’re a man. Just do it, dude. Seriously. I’ll be waiting right here.
7. Do NOT hang out by your son’s school. This applies to ANY school. You look like a perv no matter how cool you think you look. Just ask your wife to pick up your son and sit in the car with a binoculars watching them from afar. Scratch that. Terrible idea. Just sit in your car hiding your face with a hoodie and sunglasses. Umm… that’s even worse. You’re just making it worse.
8. Do NOT pretend like you’re doing any of this for an actual cause. Yes, Movember is awesome and a great cause, but this goes way, way, way deeper than that. This is about a man and his mustache. This is an unbreakable bond, a covenant hatched in secret between you and your lip-tickler. This is about you expressing your manliness through facial hair and we all know you’re using Movember as a pretext. In fact you’ve raised more money for the “get Jason stoned” campaign than for men’s prostate cancer. That’s fine, just don’t get swept up in self-righteousness. You’re a closet mustache-lover and this month is little more than a beard. A mustache-beard. God, this is so confusing. Is it a beard-mustache? Or a mustache-beard? Are you gay? Um… forget that last part.
9. Do NOT make the list 10-deep. You’ve got eight or nine reasons max. I know 10 is a sexy number to aspire to, but you should learn to accept that some lists will never reach 10. Wow, that’s incredibly wise! It’s almost as if the mustache is making me wiser… STOP!
10. Do NOT be tempted to keep the mustache post-Movember. I know you think it’s the coolest thing ever and you and your mustache are like BFFs now, but seriously, your wife hates looking at your face with that stupid lip brow. You remind her of the Uzbeki cab driver from downstairs. And for Christ’s sake, when you do decide to shave it off, don’t make a big ritual out of it. Don’t invite all your friends to some taco joint in Florentine and bring a shaver and a video camera. It’s weird and awkward and highly unsanitary.
Now that you’re clear on what NOT to do, I’ve asked the organizers of Movember Israel these past few years to give some tips on what you SHOULD do when growing a mustache.
Yam Regev, Organizer of Movember Israel and CMO at WebyDo
Always let your partner know you are going to grow a mo at least four months in advance. Don’t wake up on the morning of November 1st and surprise your son and partner.”
Ben Kol, Movember devotee
Don’t be a stranger. If, during the month, you see a fellow mo-bro sporting a stache, give him a gentleman mo-nod — it’s just like a normal nod, but with a mustache.
Tal Shmueli, Organizer of Movember Israel
Don’t wear a ‘pouch’ and walk slowly near schools and kindergartens while fostering a mo.