(Photo Credit: thegrindstone.com)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 12/22/2015 at 9:30 AM
Tel Aviv, Shapira: The Break Room in Haaretz’s South Tel Aviv Headquarters has become a microcosm for the Arab-Israeli Conflict, with its Day Shift and Night Shifts unable to come to a peaceful solution about who is allowed to Occupyutlilize their refrigerator. Things recently got so bad that a “Two Refrigerators for Two Shifts” policy was enacted by John, an outside mediator from Massachusetts brought in by the Editorial Board. The Daily Freier spoke to traumatized Haaretz intern Zoe D. about the ongoing tragedy.
“So when I moved here from Canada for this position I was so excited. Like a dream come true.” explained Zoe. “But I quickly realized that the Break Room was spinning out of control. At first we had one fridge. But that didn’t work out. Night shift kept accusing Day Shift of “dispossessing” their food. It was just nuts. Let me give you another example. As Day Shift, Amira is allowed to put her things in our fridge, but she insists on keeping her food in the Night Shift Refrigerator. She tells everyone that their fridge is more “authentic”. But get this…. I hear that last year Night Shift removed her hummus spread and pita from the top shelf…and she turned around and blamed Day Shift. Then yesterday she told me that as an overseas intern, my food was committing a crime. What the hell?”
Zoe continued her recollection of recent events. “So last week John the mediator brought in from America said that if Day Shift and Night Shift couldn’t figure this out, he would impose a compromise, but that’s exactly what Night Shift wants, isn’t it?”
Zoe also explained that Night Shift had begun placing spoiled containers of milk in Day Shift’s refrigerator just to annoy them. The Daly Freier then shared with Zoe that maybe Night Shift personnel were doing this because recent events had insulted their honor and left them not trusting Day Shift’s true intentions with the refrigerators. Zoe retorted sarcastically “Really? Night Shift said its feelings were hurt? That’s a first. I’m surprised it’s taken them until noon to “Break Their Silence” on this life-changing event.”
In order to get a balanced perspective of the dispute,The Daily Freier was able to get further first-hand testimony by phone from a worker who identified himself only as “Gideon”, who shared his views of the ongoing tragedy. “I always bring olives to work so I can snack on them. Everybody knows this. So one day, Night Shift simply uprooted moved my olives. Just like that. They’ve been there for generations….Or at least since last Wednesday.”
The Break Room Naqbadisaster already threatens to bring in further external actors, with a woman in Sweden blaming these events for the malfunctioning of the microwave oven in her Stockholm apartment.
In preparing this hard-hitting journalism, The Daily Freier had to spend an hour or so actually reading Haaretz and now it needs to lie down and/or pour itself a drink.