OK this has gone too far. This whole Syria thing. I’m not talking about the use of chemical agents or the tomahawking of some palace. I’m talking about pushing Iran and the nuclear destruction of Israel to the second page of the newspapers. It’s just not right. I was getting used to pictures of bombs with red lines and apocalyptic scenarios. Where’s my man Ahmadenijad with some holocaust denying and Zionist bashing when you need him? Well if mainstream media won’t scare the shit out of me anymore with end-of-days scenarios I will. Well, not really. But I will list some of the reasons why we should never, ever, ever attack Iran. In no particular order:
1. They make better movies than we do. That’s right. I said it. A few years ago we had our own version of war games when Israel’s “Footnote” went head to head with Iran’s “The Separation” in the highly anticipated category of “Best Foreign Film” at the academy awards. Having seen both of them I wholeheartedly agree with the (Self) hating Jews running Hollywood. I mean come on. “Footnote” was a very intelligent movie but lacked any heart whatsoever. “The Separation” on the other hand was a beautifully scripted, wonderfully filmed tale of a marriage gone wrong. The Oscar went to the Iranians and rightfully so. Over the years Iranian directors have made some of the most compelling and intimate stories in cinema. Majid Majidi’s epic “The Color of Paradise” about a blind boy being abandoned by his father is enough to make you cry for weeks.” The White Balloon”, about the young Iranian girl whose sole desire in the world is to get a goldfish. I mean Abbas Kiarstomi is a genius. “The Taste of Cherry” too. That’s not to say that Israel is lacking in cinematic genius. Clearly we’re not. There’s just something amazing about film directors (or, artists in general) who live and create so beautifully whilst living under an oppressive regime. For that reason alone we should never, ever bomb Iran. The world would miss out on some great films. And thousands of people would die. That would suck too.
2. They do social protest better than us. Granted, the uprising in 2009 that preceded the Arab Spring (and in many ways inspired it) was one hell of an uprising it didn’t do anything in the way of changing the regime. Essentially the good people of Iran were outraged at the rigged elections that put that Jew-hating, megalomaniacal power hungry midget Ahmadenijad back in power. What started out peacefully soon turned into a three million man and woman bloody riot. People were detained and tortured. That didn’t stop them from coming out in huge numbers. That’s commitment folks. We, on the other hand are utterly fucking pathetic at protesting. We had a cottage cheese protest. Oh no! Don’t raise the price of my cottage cheese Tnuva! Let’s go to the streets and force them to reduce the price from 6 NIS to 5 NIS. Yes! We did it. But wait, how much is it now? 5.50 NIS? I call that a compromise. Besides, no one died to reduce the price of cottage cheese. Not like that famous woman in Iran, Neda, whose picture dying on the streets of Tehran became a symbol for the Green Movement. So this leads me to believe that there are a great number of people living in Iran who don’t hate us Jews. They disagree with the minority that rules and have no interest in going to a nuclear duel with Israel. Therefore, for their sake, let’s not drop bombs on them. The way I see it they’ve had it bad enough.
3. We have a lot more in common with them than we like to think. Especially when it comes to discriminating against women. There are no shortages of examples from this year alone of women experiencing extreme bias and discrimination by Ultra-Orthodox assholes in Jerusalem. I mean Jesus Christ people, its 2013 and we’re still fighting to abolish laws that force women to sit in the back of the bus? And we call ourselves a modern, enlightened society? Bullshit. OK, so we don’t force women to dress in a certain way. Wait, we do don’t we? Shit.
4. They’re better at football than we are. They qualified for the World Cup in 1998 in France, 2006 in Germany and 2010 in South Africa. We haven’t qualified for shit. Granted, if we were allowed to play in the Asian Football Confederation and compete against teams like Lebanon, Qatar and Uzbekistan as opposed to the European powerhouses we are forced to play against shit might look a bit different and Israel might be able to finally achieve the dream of playing on the world stage. That being said, I think that instead of lobbing bombs on each other and threatening nuclear annihilation we should just set up a winner take all football match. Like that movie about the prison guards and inmates. Victory?
5. The Persian cuisine is much better than ours. My wife tried making Ghormeh Sabzi (a beef stew that is considered the Persian national dish) once and I… er it was great honey. But seriously, the Persian kitchen is deep and rich in flavor. And what do we have? Falafel? I’m not knocking the falafel. I love me some falafel but it can’t compete with the intricate and exotic aromas and tastes of the Iranians. Kebab and Ice Cream, to name a few, are rumored to have their origins in Persia. As a fatty Mcfatso who loves me some good eatin’, I always look forward to having dinner with friends who I know have Persian background. So Netanyahu, before you go about strategizing on nuking them Iranians, think about food. I know your wife Sarah LOVES her some ice cream. To the tune of 10,000 NIS a month from the Tax payer’s pocket if I’m not mistaken.
6. Some of the world’s greatest Jews come from Iran. Abie Nathan, the peace activist and the founder of the Voice of Peace radio station was born in Iran. One of M.’s favorite singers, Rita (her full name is Rita Yahan-Farouz) was born in Iran. She is probably Israel’s best known and most famous singer. Astoundingly enough she is also somewhat of an underground sensation in Iran. She released an album in 2012 called “All my Joys” which was sung both in Hebrew and Persian. She is also something of a cultural ambassador between the two countries and attempts to bridge the gap between us and them. Unfortunately the Iranians also gave us disgraced former President and convicted rapist Moshe Katzav. Hey Mr. Supreme Leader sir, you can have him back. We have no use for him here anymore. But aside from him, and to a lesser degree that bumbling fool Shaul Mofaz, most of the Jews coming out of Iran have been pretty awesome, which is a very good reason not to bomb them. Did I mention that TOI blogger and famed “American Rabbi” Shmuley Boteach is also Iranian?
Recently my son has been watching the animated movie Aladdin on loop. Granted, it’s a great movie but three times in a row, D.? For the entire month of August? Ironically it’s this movie that got me thinking about the great people of Iran who first gave us the tales from One Thousand and One Nights (or Arabian Nights). Scheherazade, to avoid getting killed by the pathological serial killer aka the Persian king, begins telling him stories with no ending so that he won’t kill her. Using her brilliant model, let’s keep telling Netanyahu and the Supreme leader of Iran a bunch of wild stories about flying carpets and thieves in Baghdad in the hopes that they’ll spare us nuclear obliteration.