West Hempstead, NY, September 11 – Like all the Jews who worked in and around the World Trade Center in September 2001, Morris Zaitchik received a phone call the night of September 10 that year warning him to stay at home. The call spared him the fate that claimed the lives of thousands of others, all thanks to the efforts of the Zionist Conspiracy to which all Jews belong. But Zaitchik also expected to receive a call alerting him that it was now safe to leave his house, a call that never came. He has not set foot outside in 13 years.

Israel’s vaunted intelligence service maintains close contact with every Jew in the world, and was able to save the lives of thousands of coreligionists that September morning, though its efforts and foreknowledge of the attacks that killed almost three thousand people remain known only the zealous researchers of the Storm Front website and nine out of ten Muslims.

The 41-year-old securities analyst Zaitchik, now a father of four, was at the time employed by Cantor Fitzgerald, a bond-trading firm that occupied five of the topmost floors of the North Tower. Cantor Fitzgerald lost two thirds of its workforce, none of them Jews, and the episode spooked Zaitchik into remaining confined to his house even as the thousands of other Jews who lost colleagues – and competitors – realized it was safe to venture outside immediately after the attacks.

WTCHis liaison at the International Zionist Conspiracy arranged for Zaitchik to work from home for a different firm, though a separate arm of the Conspiracy was working to bring Cantor Fitzgerald back into the finance business, as it was and remains a linchpin in controlling the global securities markets. The liaison, known to him only as Avi, also arranged for a therapist to pay home visits, and the latter, Max Blumenthal, believes Zaitchik is finally making progress.

“A year ago I would have written him off as a lost cause and advised him to simply make the necessary adjustments for a permanently homebound existence,” says Blumenthal. “But over the last eight months Morris has taken to looking out the window for long periods. I’ve even been able to get his doctor to stop prescribing vitamin D pills.”

Blumenthal sees Zaitchik able to walk to synagogue within three years, where he will be able to socialize and make the contacts necessary to continue manipulating markets at the expense of hardworking gentiles everywhere.

“He should be in fine form by the time that devastating earthquake destroys Manhattan in 2020,” he said.

Find more of David’s tasteless sarcasm at PreOccupied Territory.