David Swidler

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Jun 8, 2015, 11:34 PM

Harsh Conditions Threaten Grades Of Inmates Taking Free College Courses

Ofer Prison, June 8 - A recent tightening of rules in this military prison has made it difficult for inmates to focus properly on the free postsecondary education they receive, prisoners are complaining. After an inmate gave an interview last...

May 10, 2015, 9:10 PM

Abbas Issues Peace Terms: Heads We Win, Tails You Lose

Ramallah, May 10 - In an attempt to break an impasse of more than a year in Israeli-Palestinian final status talks, Palestinian Authority President and PLO Chairman Mahmoud Abbas departed from precedent and proposed his own settlement, under which...

Apr 20, 2015, 1:28 AM

EU To Combat ISIS Beheadings By Labeling Settlement Products

Brussels, April 19 - Fresh on the heels of yet another brutal video clip featuring a mass-execution of "infidels" by Islamic State fighters, sixteen Foreign Ministers of the European Union decided to address the danger by voting to mark...

Mar 9, 2015, 12:07 AM

Leviathan Gas Field Found To Result From Jewish Cooking

An aerial view of an Israeli offshore gas rig (Albatross Aerial photography/Noble Energy/Flash90/File)

Purim joke or hard science? You decide

Feb 24, 2015, 3:00 PM

Online Retailers Endorse Al-Shabaab’s Threat To Attack Malls

Seattle, February 24 - E-commerce giants such as Amazon expressed approval today for the announcement by Somali terrorist organization Al-Shabaab calling for attacks on "Jewish-owned" malls around the world. The Al-Qaeda-affiliated militant group in the Horn of Africa attempted to...

Feb 3, 2015, 10:05 PM

Israel To Send Small Arms To Lilliput

Tel Aviv, February 3 - Sources in Israel's Ministry of Defense confirmed today that the country would supply small arms to the island nation of Lilliput to shore up the government there in its ongoing conflict with neighboring Blefuscu. Israel...

Jan 28, 2015, 1:08 PM

Confused Obama Informed He Can’t Veto Israel’s Existence

Washington, January 28 - Fresh from a triumphant State of the Union address in which he repeatedly invoked his power to veto legislation not to his liking, US President Barack Obama sought to apply his veto over the existence...

Jan 21, 2015, 4:39 PM

Rabbit Pope: You Don’t Have To Breed Like Catholics

Butte, Montana, January 21 - The spiritual leader of the lagamorph community caused an uproar today when he announced that, contrary to popular perception, there is no inherent obligation for adherents to reproduce without restraint, in the manner of...

Jan 14, 2015, 11:51 PM

Fodor’s Top 10 Places Least Likely To Get Stormed By Islamists: A Family Guide

Vacation is stressful enough without having to worry that little Timmy will wind up beheaded, or little Emma abducted and sold as a child bride to a Sunni warlord. So where can you go that won't put you and...

Jan 12, 2015, 10:44 PM

In Interest Of Balance, France Also Invited Hitler To Paris Rally

Paris, January 12 - Amid reports that France had discouraged the Israeli Prime Minister from attending yesterday's rally, and that when he informed them of his intention to attend they invited Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, sources within the Elysee Palace...

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About Me

David was spawned in an unfortunate lab accident in Weehawken, New Jersey, in 1975, and things have only gone downhill from there. When he's not picking his nose, David creates content for PreOccupied Territory. And sometimes even then.