It’s that time of year again, and the Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu is speaking at the UN.
He’s got a tough act to follow: Just a few days ago, PA President Mahmoud Abbas accused Israel of “genocide.”
And ooooooh Bibi is (rightfully) pissed:
“In my address to the UN General Assembly, I will refute all the lies being directed against us, and I will tell the truth about our country and the heroic soldiers of the IDF, the most moral army in the world,” the Prime Minister said while making sure his good side got caught on camera as he boarded his plane to NYC.
But let’s be real: Even if Bibi brings it with a red pen and a whiteboard, even if those of us in Israel following at home are high-fiving and fist-pumping our way through his speech, it isn’t going to change much in terms of public opinion.
Which is why I’ve been muttering the following mantra:
God, grant me a double-shot espresso to change the things I can, and single malt whiskey to change the things I can’t.
And which is why I propose we play a drinking game during Bibi’s speech.
First: Decide what you’re drinking – I’m opening the Glenmorangie a dear friend gave me for my birthday. (Bonus points for Goldstar or Manashewitz or anything that would piss off the BDS-ers)
Second: Decide on the size of the glass. I will be using my LA Lakers shot glass, as a way of remembering my roots. 310, REPRESENT!)
Here are the rules: Every time Bibi mentions “lies,” or “I’m here to refute all the lies” or “Abbas lies!” or “all these lies make me want to lie down with a bottle of lye,” take a shot.
Every time he says the word “outrageous,” “slanderous,” or “that ain’t right” take a shot.
One shot for “The Patriarchs” and/or “The Matriarchs.” A shot for each mention of King David, King Solomon, or Queen Bar Refaeli.
If he ends any sentence with “because, ISIS,” take a shot.
If Bibi says “partner for peace/ peace partner” take two shots. (One for Israelis, one for Palestinians, because, partners. )
If he whips out a white board? Three shots.
If he mentions a duck? Four shots if it’s nuclear, five shots if he’s talking about Donald and an upcoming trip to Disneyland, and six if he’s a hockey fan. (Fight on, Mighty Ducks, fight on.)
Barack Obama, or John Kerry get a shout-out? A shot each. (Ditto David Cameron.)
Polish off the bottle if he mentions The Times of Israel.
Anything guilt-inducing — like the Holocaust, or the Babylonian exile — pour a shot out for our homies.
What else should we add? Besides a painkiller for the morning after.