Billowing white smoke. A good thing when waiting for the Pope to be selected. Not a good thing when it comes out of your car’s engine. Especially when trying to sell said car.
President Obama was recently quoted as saying that Marijuana is no worse than alcohol. Which I (wait for it) kind of agree with. With Colorado and Washington recently passing legislation to legalize the purchase of weed I think it’s time we stopped for a second and put a face to those people who are about to suffer from any widespread paradigm shift in the war on drugs. That’s right. The little people. No, not the Liliputians. Our friends and neighbors.
1. The local neighborhood pot dealer. For years he’s been that guy you called. And went over to his house. And bought overpriced weed from. And he would always engage you in conversation. About his daughter. Or his son. Or his dead end job. Or his girlfriend. Or boyfriend. And you would prepare an excuse ahead of time. Like: “Oh man, I’d definitely like to stick around but I’ve gotta take my kid to his extreme rock climbing class.” But your local neighborhood pot dealer would ignore that and start washing the dishes. Or tell you about that time he played Frisbee golf. Professionally. Or came up with the idea for a gay pride parade. While you wait. Impatiently.
2. Tel Aviv University undergrad. Who, thanks to this impending legalization, will never know the difference between a gram, an ounce, a pound. Or a kilo. And what’s worse, he’ll never learn about supply and demand. Or gain any business acumen whatsoever while he’s achieving a useful degree in comparative 19th century Russian Lit. When asked to comment he replied: “I’ll be fine when I graduate. I’m working on a short sci-fi screenplay.”
3. The Pharmaceutical company exec. Who has three kids. And a wife. And they live in Yavne. And she cheats on him with Presidential candidate Meir Sheetret. He relies on the sales of Cipralex and other psycho meds to make ends meet. How’s he gonna keep making payments on his boat? Or take the family to the Italian Alps for the annual ski trip?
4. The Glaucoma patient. Who has been bragging to his friends for years about his “horrible, painful condition” in order to get a prescription to medical marijuana. And then smoking it all by himself. “I’d be stuck with this bum eye and possible blindness with nothing to show for it.” He said upon hearing news about possible legislation.
5. Hassan Nasrallah of the Hezbollah. The drug trafficking and the vast growing fields in Syria account for approximately 6 billion (!) dollars in the terror group’s funding. That’s three times more than Iran gives them. From his bunker in the Lebanese capital of Beirut, Nasrallah vowed to fight any legalization of Marijuana “to the death!” while simultaneously advising his aides to “chill out fools” and to definitely “stop bugging out”.
6. A Sudanese refugee/infiltrator/drug mule. He risked his life, barely escaped snipers on the Egyptian side, swallowed two kilos of Hash and ended up spending two months in a detention facility down south. When asked to comment on potential legalization, the alleged drug mule (under condition of anonymity) replied: “Do you know how hard it is to separate the poop from the Hash brick in the toilet?”
7. Travel Agent specializing in The Netherlands. When asked about the effect a possible legalization could have on his livelihood: “Who the fuck is gonna visit Amsterdam then? Huh? You think people are lining up to freeze their asses off on some shitty canal or see the Rijksmuseum? For the tenth time? I mean let’s face it, there’s only so many tulips one can feign interest in”.
8. Correction facilities officers in Israeli prisons. Who would greatly outnumber the prisoners in case of legalization. When asked to comment on possible legislation one of the correctional officers began crying. “We’d be surrounded by murderers, rapists and deadbeat dads. You know how depressing that would be? We have a whole bunch of stoners in here. We jam out to Bob Marley. Eat Doritos. And they never try to escape. Ever. They are so lazy. Shankings are down 30% over the past few years. And almost no cases of non-consensual sodomy.” Mass layoffs of prison guards can be expected as a result of any future decriminalization.
9. My wife. Who thinks I’m fat, slow and lazy as it is. And that I spend waaaay to much money on getting stoned. “He’s like a fifteen year old kid” she’s been heard mumbling to herself after seeing me sleeping on the couch with a finished tub of Haagan Dazs ice cream. At three in the afternoon. On a weekday.
10. Mental Health Professionals. Who have been wined and dined by Pharmaceutical reps for so long they can’t remember what it is like to actually pay for a trip to Paris. “I’d have to buy my own ticket and pay for my own hookers and coke at those bogus conferences. That’s a nightmare! I’d never, ever recommend cipralex again!”
11. Drug testers (and the people who sell their drug-free piss). Anybody who has ever failed a drug test because of marijuana (ahem) knows how humiliating the process can be. But no one ever thinks about the poor guy or gal who has to hold that urine filled cup and check the results. Or the poor bastard that makes a living selling his drug-free piss online. When asked to comment, @IPFreely, a noted piss merchant, commented: “What, now I gotta start pissing for free?”
So the next time you light up your doob and send billowing white smoke into the cool winter air, please think about all the people you are either hurting, alienating or depriving of an income.
And if you have a new engine for my car (preferrably one that doesn’t spew white smoke) please let me know
Via smoke signals.