״לבי רצוץ״ A Crushed Heart

Photo Credit: Este Abramowitz. “Creator.”

Rav Moshe Feinstein, one of the premier American poskim in the twentieth century, responded to an Orthodox woman’s question on how to repent for her sins. In Igros Moshe (Orach Chayim 4:117), he recounts the story of a Kollel man’s wife who became close to her boss in the workplace and engaged in physical affection over the duration of six months. Rav Moshe echoes her deep regret for these actions, noting how clear it is that this woman’s “heart is broken and crushed.” He assumes that her state of brokenness over her actions indicates a full repentance by Torah law, as dictated to us by the Rambam.

Even so, in his responsa, Rav Moshe prescribes a weekly regimen, including recitation of Tehillim and a short vidui, not to lower her spirits or put her in despair but rather to strengthen her emunah and elevate her awareness of how Gd heard and sees everything.

I encourage you to read Rav Moshe’s answer and see not only its literal beauty but the grace and gentleness with which he handles a woman who sinned gravely but genuinely wants to make things right. In this letter and through his particular choice of words, he seeks to uplift her and not put her down.

It’s unbelievable how a holy posek of his stature was able to address emotionally vulnerable and complex individuals with such finesse and dignity. His language clearly accords respect to an eishes ish who, whirlpooling into a great lapse of judgement, was inherently a good Jewish mother. Through his specific guidance, Rav Moshe directs her to move on healthfully—with dutiful awareness—for the sake of her family and happiness, instead of getting downtrodden and depressed by past sins.

I find that just like this unidentified woman, we are all weighed down in some way, whether by an enormously crushing guilt, or by the hands of those we believe should love us, or by illness and a never-ending hospital curtain that just won’t lift.

Some of us feel pain from others; while some suffer within their own minds. In this way, pain is varied just like people. Indeed, this holiday is our time to believe, that HaShem will relieve us from our suffering and inevitably concretize our dreams.

In Birchas HaChodesh and other prayers, we say that HaShem should fulfill our wishes for the good, שימלא משאלות לבנו לטובה. The word משאלות can be defined most basically as “what we wish, or seek”. More deeply though, the root verb שאל simply means to borrow. Sometimes we wish for things “on loan,” so to speak—what we temporarily think will help us in achieving our goals—and HaShem responds with a great alternative, leaving us with a true blessing to keep.

Recently I heard a speech on Bitachon of how HaShem always answers our tefillos with a Yes, whether we get our request fulfilled now or years later. On the contrary, I believe that sometimes the answer is a flat, outright No. We entreat HaShem in the first place because He is the Mastermind and knows above all what will help us thrive in life.

I think the particular speaker was trying to give people hope that a person’s prayers never go unanswered and he shouldn’t give up on his requests. But I’d reframe this statement to something more realistically encouraging: HaShem always answers our tefillos! But whoever guaranteed us it’d be a yes?!

Figuratively, HaShem perfectly tailors all the outfits in our wardrobe. He knows if we’ll get fat or lose some weight. He knows if we’ll grow or if, chalilah, we’ll shrink—things we couldn’t know, but He does because He’s King. And with this knowledge that we don’t have, HaShem custom-fits all of our situations to be the most suitable to our future success and happiness.

On hope and Chanukah, Rav Moshe Feinstein once shared a beautiful insight:

The miracle of Chanukah was not just the oil burning for eight days; it was the courage to light it in the first place in a time of darkness.

It’s upon us to believe in miracles nowadays, in addition to celebrating those which occurred in our collective past. No matter what our pains are, may we have the bravery and resourcefulness to lift our arms, crease our elbows, and strike that match. Sometimes the friction of our one last attempt is what brings us the light.

May we very soon see the end to the war, recognize Gd’s hand in all this craziness, and wait around for some wondrous miracles to appear, just as they had בימים ההם—and so too, with HaShem’s help only, בזמן הזה.